..:::Raining Grace:::..

I've moved!!

2007-06-27T14:48:00.000-07:00

No, not to San Francisco ;) Not yet anyway!

I've moved from Blogger over to Wordpress. I like the features and templates a bit better. Make sure to change your RSS feeds if you use a blog reader.

Here's the new address:

http://raininggrace.wordpress.com

And don't forget about our other blogs:

* http://themarieke.wordpress.com
* http://nathanandmarieke.wordpress.com

Contentment

2007-06-19T14:18:00.000-07:00

I've been discovering the joy of contentment lately...and it's not like my life is full of sunshine and roses right now, either. I've been processing a lot spiritually and mentally, on top of preparing for some huge life change (the big move).

Content with less
The biggest thing that I've noticed is that I don't feel the same need to have new things that I used to. I still like shopping (especially for yarn and other craft stuff) but because we've been watching our pennies a bit more closely, I've realized that I don't really need much. I probably have a year's worth of yarn at least if I just put my mind to actually using it. And when I do decide to spend a little money on something, it is more often than not something I will use and enjoy, rather than a frivolous purchase.

Since I'm spending less, the desire to actually buy new things has been quelled a bit. I've been finding myself re-purposing items, finding new ways to use old things, and realizing how little I really need even of the things I have.

As I've been sorting out our belongings into what we really want to keep and what we don't need, it's been a joy to give things away to people who will use them and enjoy them more than I will, or use them for a better purpose (like sewing supplies to a woman who teaches kids to sew, or kitchen items to my sister who runs a house for international students).

The goal with our move is to end up with less stuff than we have right now so we don't move crap we'll never use or don't need. And in the process, I've found that there is peace is minimizing and getting rid of the distractions that clutter not only physical space, but mental space as well.

I don't have the same desire to bigger and better things. With a 425 square foot apartment, I do hope that we'll have a slightly larger place considering our menagerie of musical equipment (electric piano and music production equipment) that takes up space, but I don't have a desire for a huge house or anything. Just something that suits our needs and allows us to offer hospitality to the hundreds of people who want to come visit us! LOL

Content with unrest

A lot has been going on. This is a huge move for me, considering I've never moved further than 5 miles from my childhood home. It's the first time I'm moving out of my beautiful hometown in the nearly 24 years I've lived here. It's a bit scary. It's caused tension and lots of unrest.

There are things in our lives that aren't perfect and never will be. There are issues coming to the surface, and there are difficulties to work through. There are things that have to be put on the backburner. But despite the impending changes, and the desires to work towards other changes (like getting more toned and less flabby), I feel content about where we're at. It doesn't need to be perfect. There is joy in the journey and I know that God has us close to Him.

This honestly really surprises me because I can be such a perfectionist and such a stress-case. And while I still am at times, something has shifted in my spirit to where I recognize that I am right where God wants me, in my imperfection, and He will bring it all to good. I just need to look at what He's doing and step into the center of His will for me. He knows what I need and when. He knows when I'll be ready for the next thing He's got going on.

And I am finding that there is contentment in just holding His hand as He makes sense of all the craziness.

July Synchroblogs

2007-06-15T08:30:00.000-07:00

I'm not participating again this go around, but here are the people who are!

Mike Bursell muses about Untouchables
David Fisher on Touching the Pharisees - My Untouchable People Group
Adam Gonnerman with Quickened Pen
Michael Bennet writes Nothing more than the crust life
Jeremiah at Models of church leadership and decision-making as
they apply to outreach
John Smulo talks about Christian Untouchables
Sally Coleman shares on The Untouchables
Sam Norton talks about Untouchables
Steve Hayes on Dalits and Hindutva
Sonja Andrews visits the subject here
Fernando A. Gros speaks up on Untouchability And Globalisation
Phil Wyman throws out the Loose Lips - A "SinkroBlog"
Josh Rivera does his stuff with the Untouchables

I am a blog addict!

2007-05-18T14:47:00.000-07:00

Yup, I have created another blog on top of the two I update regularly.

http://nathanandmarieke.wordpress.com

I designed it to keep family and friends updated on what's up as Nathan and I get ready and move to San Francisco. I'm gonna start by giving info on our preparations (apartment hunting, visiting the schools and whatnot) and then what comes up after we move. Hopefully both of us will update it, depending on what's going on.

(I also have an option for people who want to get the info via email if that's easier for ya.)

I will still be regularly updating this blog and "Work in Progress" through the summer, and hopefully beyond since these are more personal ones.

Counter-Hegemony: Borat Meets Jesus

2007-05-16T00:00:00.000-07:00

SynchroBlog May 2007: Christianity & Film

I'm coming up on finals week, so I don't have time to write an original post, but a recent paper I wrote for my Sociology class dovetails nicely with the theme this month. I've been considering posting it anyway, so I guess it was meant to be!

There is one particular scene that this post is mainly referring to, which you can see here (it's about 4 minutes long and this clip is PG): Jesus Saves Borat

The fictional character Borat, particularly as played by Sacha Baron Cohen in the movie ”Borat: Cultural Learnings of America for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan”, has generated both controversy and laughter since he first started gaining widespread popularity before the movie’s release in 2006. Some people love Borat and appreciate how the movie pushed the boundaries of what is culturally appropriate in America under the guise of Borat - a foreigner who is unabashedly open about his personal, political, and culturally-influenced thoughts and ignorant of the cultural norms and “politically correct” way to express oneself in our culture. Others however have been offended by what was interpreted by them as outright bigotry, prejudice, misogyny, deception and/or exploitation, or the glorification of such behavior.

While I personally thought the movie was hilarious overall, when it came to the church scene where Borat becomes “born-again” and starts speaking in tongues, I could not help but feel offended because of my own faith, my spiritual foundation within conservative Christian beliefs (and the conservative Christian culture in which I grew up), and the church community I currently am a part of which is part of a charismatic denomination. I've known some who have been offended by the movie on a personal level based on their faith (both Christian and Jewish), but also many who found it enjoyable in its humor as I do.

Borat, the character, is everything opposite of the “approved” cultural values and norms within our society. He is politically incorrect in his words and actions, he is racist, views women objectively, has no manners (according to American standards), and shows open disdain for his wife and family – but he doesn't violate our cultural norms intentionally. In this way, he is a symbol of counter-hegemony within our society in his total openness and transparency. But is the movie progressive in its treatment of Christianity and Pentecostalism?

Many Pentecostal and charismatic churches are made fun of and derided for their physical actions: raising hands, jumping up and down, running through the aisles, being “slain in the spirit” (a spiritual phenomena that occurs when a person is so overcome by the Holy Spirit that they cannot function – often encouraged, sometimes forced, by a spiritual leader who prays over someone while touching their forehead, shoulder, or chest – that is depicted in the movie), and being vocal in their praise; all actions that the church scene in Borat highlights. Within highly Pentecostal circles, the body is used to express spirituality in a way that is outside the mainstream. On the other hand, mainstream Christianity (the hymn-singing, don't dance in the aisles variety) is typically given more respect than Pentecostal Christianity and highly respected, upper-crust members of society would more likely be seen in a mainstream church than a Pentecostal one.

The fact that the makers of Borat chose a Pentecostal revival meeting goes along with many of the themes in the movie that correspond to the body: an extended scene where Borat and Azamat chase each other around a hotel naked, multiple scenes where Borat openly ogles, propositions, or makes derogatory comments towards women, awkward situations with feces, etc. Much, if not all of the humor in Borat is related to the “lower” parts of body in some way or another, including the revival meeting. Borat utilizes crass, gross, and bodily humor to not only provoke laughter, but draw attention to the subjects that are taboo in our culture at large, as well as taboo within the specific sub-cultures in America where the character Borat finds himself throughout his journey.

However, is Borat progressive in its counter-hegemony within the context of the church revival scene? I believe it is, even within the sub-cultures of Christianity and Pentecostalism. Christians, particularly conservative ones, have a tendency to take themselves too seriously (I know because I have and still sometimes do). I consider myself a devout Christian, but it's my personal opinion that humor that mocks aspects of Christianity can be educational because it forces us to look at some of the apparently “weird” things we might believe, say or do and consider “why?” It also gives us insight as to how others view Christianity and how some people can feel very alienated if they're not familiar with the norms and values of Christian culture.

Additionally, it points out the faults of some within Christianity. As viewers, we all know that Borat isn't really speaking in tongues as the preacher prays over him. It begs the question of whether everyone else is just making it up as well. Is it necessary or beneficial in that context, or alienating? Is there a way to be true to our beliefs and values while relating to American culture? If Christians as a group would be more open to laughing at themselves and learning from what culture is telling us, we might actually find that there is something to learn, get off our high horses, and laugh at ourselves.

May 16th Synchroblog: Christianity & Film

2007-05-15T15:28:00.000-07:00

It's that time! And this month I'll be participating again :-)

Below are the contributors. Posts will up at each blog at some point Tuesday evening through Wednesday (I'll probably be posting mine around 5pm PST so I don't forget to put it up tonight).

May Synchrobloggers:

Steve Hayes ponders The Image of Christianity in Films
Adam Gonnerman pokes at The Spider's Pardon
David Fisher thinks that Jesus Loves Sci-Fi
John Morehead considers Christians and Horror Redux: From Knee- Jerk Revulsion to Critical Engagement
Marieke Schwartz lights it up with Counter-hegemony: Jesus loves Borat
Mike Bursell muses about Christianity at the Movies
Jenelle D'Alessandro tells us Why Bjork Will Never Act Again
Cobus van Wyngaard contemplates Theology and Film (as art)
Tim Abbott tells us to Bring your own meaning...?
Sonja Andrews visits The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly: Christ in Spaghetti Westerns
Steve Hollinghurst takes a stab at The Gospel According to Buffy
Les Chatwin insists We Don't Need Another Hero
Lance Cummings says The Wooden Wheel Keeps Turning
John Smulo weaves a tale about Spiderman 3 and the Shadow
Josh Rivera at The Rivera Blog
Phil Wyman throws out the Frisbee: Time to Toss it Back
Sally Coleman is Making Connections- films as a part of a mythological tradition

Free Hugs

2007-04-30T13:57:00.000-07:00

I am constantly amazed at where God has taken me the last few months. Never would I have thought I'd end up in the County Psychological Health Department, but that's where I've found myself the last couple days, visiting my friend who ended up there due to a mess of circumstances (no, she's not crazy). Her experience has taught her some tough lessons, and it's opened my eyes as well.

It was interesting to find myself in a place that holds the people that society so often forgets about. The budget they have is minuscule - who thinks of giving resources to the Psych Dept? I didn't even know where the place was, much less what it looked like or what resources they have. And who is going to support these people who are in desperate need of healing?

A thing as simple as as flowers, or fresh underwear can bring joy and the touch of cheer that someone needs in their process of healing. Heck, just having someone visit is a big deal! A lot of the people there are on the fringes of society already - criminals, those with spiritual and mental illnesses, outcasts, people who may have little hope.

Sometimes the little things can mean so much to a person - more than you may ever realize.

Nathan and I have a very tight budget, especially as we're preparing for our move. It's scary to have to rely on God to provide on a month-to-month basis....and our incomes are pretty stable at this point. But I've been reminded lately that I need to be sure I'm not so scared for my well-being that I don't give to those around me, both in time and in resources. I know that as I give of myself to those who need a touch of God in their lives, God will provide the emotional, mental, spiritual, physical, and financial strength I need to keep going.

It's in those moments of giving of ourselves that we really connect with God and find ourselves right where God wants us - reflecting His image.

Along this vein, I was downtown with my mom and sisters yesterday and we walked by a man holding a sign that read "FREE HUGS". I didn't take him up on his offer, but I did give him a thumbs up. Then I came across this video, posted on another blog. Go to the Free Hugs Campaign website and read the story behind this movement. This video moved me to tears - if a simple hug can change a person's day, imagine what we as followers of Christ can do to encourage people! We carry a hope that goes beyond the world we see in front of us.

Persecution: Synchroblog

2007-04-12T08:48:00.000-07:00

I didn't put together a post this time around, but a bunch of my fellow Synchrobloggers are posting on Persecution today:

The Promise of Jesus We Ignore- Be the Revolution
Fishing for Trouble - Phil Wyman's Square No More
Mike Bursell - Mike's Musings
Restoring Our View of Humanity - Eternal Echoes
Persecuting the Marginalized - JohnSmulo.com
The Ends Justify the Means - Calacirian
"Persecution" and the bully in the schoolyard - Billy Calderwood
Seeking First Righteousness - Tim Abbott
Could That Be What Jesus Meant? - More Than Stone
Persecution and Martyrdom - Handmaid Leah
"Don't squash the counter-revolutionary/the plank in my own eye" - Jeremiah
The Martyrs of Epinga at Notes from the Underground
Terrorism in Christianity at The Rivera Blog
Persecution or Poor Elocution? "Hello," said Jenelle

Recycle, Reduce, Reuse #2: Baby Steps

2007-04-11T08:32:00.000-07:00

Baby Steps

It can be really overwhelming to realize all the different issues that can be helped by taking action. Boycott this, email/snail mail a CEO in protest over that, stop using this product, start eating that food. I think if I tried to do it all, I'd end up going crazy. So I'm starting with baby steps and I'll keep adding things in as time goes by. So I don't forget things that I come across, however, I've been copying and saving info and links into a Word document so I can look into them in depth later on.

Treehugger Tidbit of the Day:
www.myfootprint.org - This is an interesting site and very enlightening. I took the quiz to see what my "footprint" is and here are my results as I am right now:

HERE ARE YOUR FOOTPRINT RESULTS:

CATEGORY GLOBAL ACRES
FOOD 4.7
MOBILITY 0.2
SHELTER 1.2
GOODS/SERVICES 1.2
TOTAL FOOTPRINT 7

IN COMPARISON, THE AVERAGE ECOLOGICAL FOOTPRINT IN YOUR COUNTRY IS 24 GLOBAL ACRES PER PERSON.

WORLDWIDE, THERE EXISTS 4.5 BIOLOGICALLY PRODUCTIVE GLOBAL ACRES PER PERSON.

IF EVERYONE LIVED LIKE YOU, WE WOULD NEED 1.7 PLANETS.

Scary! And I'm not even that bad compared to most Americans.

I don't know about you, but I have no idea when Jesus is coming back (there's a lot to discuss in that statement alone, but I won't get into that now), and I don't want to leave a worn out Earth for future generations. Some Christians seem to have the attitude that because the Earth is going to be obliterated during Armageddon, we don't really need to worry about environmental issues. I think that's an arrogant way to think and act (and I admit that's been my attitude often, even if it I didn't think it consciously), as well as selfish. Our actions will affect future generations and I don't want to contribute to literally wearing out the earth God gave us.

Getting Down to Business

Here is a list of some things that we or I already do or have just started doing to lower our footprint, be healthier physically/mentally/spiritually, and better stewards in general:

Home:
- Turn off lights every time we leave the room for more than just a few seconds.
- Use natural lighting as often as possible
- Set aside unnecessary items to be sold at a garage sale at a later date
- We only drive one vehicle - a gas-efficient Toyota Camry. While this wasn't necessarily our original choice (we can only afford one car and the good gas mileage was a plus financially),
we really don't need two cars here, or when we move. If I had a choice of a new-to-us car, I'd go for a hybrid like the Toyota Prius.)
- Use cloth napkins (we have 'em, might as well put 'em to use!)
- Re-use paper grocery bags (we use them for trash bags/containers for garage sale items, etc)
- Re-use glass containers
- Started setting aside recycling (while our city picks up commingled recyclables from homes, our apartment complex does not have recycling pickup for some reason - I'm looking into other options, most likely taking our recyclables to the local recycling center ourselves)

Body:
- I use the Diva Cup (and highly recommend it! check out LunaPads.com for other options, too)
- Use a more natural method of birth control (We've used the Fertility Awareness Method since we got married - see www.tcoyf.com)
- Eat more natural, less processed foods

Mind/Spirit:
- Watch less TV/Movies (We don't actually get cable, but I'd gotten hooked on some TV shows that you can watch online. I've limited how much I watch now. We also get Netflix and considered canceling it, but opted to just not use it quite as much as we were.)
- Spend more time doing crafts and other activities.
- Unsubscribe from unnecessary email lists (as they come into my inbox) to limit the bombardment of information

That's all I can think of for the moment...there are a LOT more changes I'm hoping to implement. I'll talk about that in my next post.

Recycle, Reduce, Reuse: A beginning

2007-04-10T11:56:00.000-07:00

♫And close the loooooop!♫ (Sorry, can't help myself!)

A Beginning
I've been re-thinking a lot of things lately. I'll admit it, I've been very lazy and purposefully ignorant about a lot of things simply because I didn't want to put the time and effort into even considering that my pre-conceived notions might be wrong or out-of-date compared to what I *do* know now.

As I learn about different issues, particularly in regards to social justice and the environment, I gain a responsibility to do something with that knowledge. But I haven't. And I want to change that.

Call me crunchy, call me a hippie, but I've been realizing that it is my responsibility to do what I can to minimize my ecological footprint on this earth. Being eco-friendly/green/etc is a matter of being a good steward of what God has given us. I wasn't really taught this growing up, particularly not in the Christian circles I was in. I was taught to be a good steward of money (tithe, save, etc), to take good care of the material things I possessed (don't dent the car, don't throw your toys). But there wasn't the same emphasis on taking care of Creation - which God specifically gave us to take care of.

To be fair, it wasn't completely ignored. My family went on backpacking trips every summer when we were young, and my parents emphasized that we were to leave every place we visited just as it was when we arrived (or better, if some less conscientious backpackers were there before us). We were taught to be respectful of nature and to enjoy it.

But materialism is pervasive in our culture, not to the exclusion of Christian culture (Case in point: how much stuff in Christian bookstores is sold just to make money? I mean, who really needs all that stuff?) I have fallen into that trap MANY MANY times also. All my life I've hoarded things. I still have birthday cards in boxes from grade school. I do not need to keep them. I have so much stuff that I need to sort through, it doesn't all fit in our apartment.

Lately, I've been finding myself in an odd place, both spiritually and mentally. For some reason, I've been captured by the fact that I need to simplify my life in a LOT of different areas and keep only the things that are beneficial, or that I truly love. All the rest I do not need and it just serves to clutter my home, my mind, and my spirit.

Since all these things have come up in my mind and as I've been pondering them, I've realized that there is a definite spiritual affect. I've hit a fairly low place in my spiritual journey, to be completely honest. I've felt very disconnected and haven't really been disciplined or devoted to nurturing my relationship with God. Not all my thoughts and ponderings are completely worked out yet, but I think there has been purpose in all this. After our Easter service Saturday night at Aqueous, I realized that this low point I've been going through is allowing me to start fresh in my walk with God and I have hope that as I point myself back towards Him (cause He's always there, whether I am "in it" or not), I am going to end up with a totally new relationship with Him, and a new identity in Him that is closer to the person He created me to be.

And that person is going to continue to take more personal responsibility for the social and ecological issues that are so rampant in this world. Setting aside all the debate, what does it hurt anyway? There are a lot of practical reasons to pursue simpler living as well (hello moving truck!)

I still have a lot of thoughts on this, particularly getting into specifics, so I will probably make this into a series as I continue to flesh things out.

Inspiration
Some links to blogs I've recently discovered that have been both inspirational and educational.

No Impact Man

Sara - Walk Slowly, Live Wildly
(Check out the pics of her family's small, but well utilized, living space on her blog and here on Flickr)

About my tattoo...

2007-02-27T10:07:00.000-08:00

Phil posted on his blog about a member of The Gathering (the church he pastors in Salem, MA) who got a tattoo and it made me think back to when I got mine (this pic of my tattoo was taken when it was only a few hours old) and the significance of why I got it. To be honest, Phil's comments about tribal identity made me realize a deeper significance to it that I didn't even consciously recognize before.

I was 20 when I got this tattoo (on January 15, 2005) and I had considered it for about a year by the time I actually had it done (I made myself do that to make sure it wasn't a passing fancy). I went through a lot of changes in 2004, particularly in regards to trusting the leading of the Holy Spirit in my life.

1) At the very beginning of the year, I flew to Denver, Colorado for a conference...and I only knew one person there (a leap of faith right there!). But it was an immensely rewarding experience and God really spoke to me about the year ahead. I relinquished control over my love-life and made an agreement with God that I would not seek out or put any effort (including emotional) into finding a man. If God brought someone into my life, I'd be open to it, but I wasn't going to put so much emotional energy into it like I tended to.

Oddly enough, a few weeks later, I had the distinct impression that I was going to meet the man I would marry that year (it ended up being true!)

2) I got up the nerve to quit working for my dad (which had some nasty consequences, unfortunately) and go back to school as a music major. This was a huge step and broke some unhealthy ties between my father and me. I did end up going back to work for him (and have since), but our relationship has been much better since that time.

3) I'm also glad I took that step (a step that was taken after much prayer, fasting, and wisdom-seeking) because I met my husband in the musicianship and music theory classes we both took. We became very good friends over the Fall semester and while I denied it at the time (at least from my end of things), we fell head-over-heels for each other.

4) I also realized the power of prayer and fasting in a deeper way. I was constantly praying for Nathan because he didn't yet acknowledge Jesus as the Lord over his life. He began to recognize him more, especially through our discussions, but he didn't follow him with his life yet.

5) During this whole time, I was growing incredibly close to Jesus. Probably the closest I've ever been (yes, I'll admit, even compared to now), and I grew exponentially in my faith. I used to rely so much on the words of other people, but I learned to listen to His voice, to trust both His word, and my spiritual ears. I didn't take it for granted, though. I earnestly sought after Him because I didn't want to "hear" God only to have it turn out to be my own voice.

A large part of my life was the community of believers I was a part of at Aqueous and the Charismatic branch of Christianity that we are a part of. The leading of the Holy Spirit (always evaluated through the lens of Scripture) and the spiritual gifts that have been given to followers of Jesus are a significant part of our expression of faith. And that had become something very important to me.

So, this leads me to the significance of the different aspects of the image I had designed. The dove obviously represents the Holy Spirit. Most often Holy Spirit doves are depicted with fire. But I chose a depiction of wind because the Greek words (like pneuma) that translate to "Spirit" often have a connotation of or would directly translate to "wind" or "breath". I've always identified with that more than the "tongues of fire" imagery for whatever reason. It's a strength you cannot see (after all, you can't see the winds of tornadoes, but they sure are powerful!).

Lastly, the dove is angled down and positioned on my upper back as a sign of anointing. I want my life to be one that is led by God and by His Spirit. So I chose to permanently depict that on my physical body as a sign of what has occurred in my spiritual life.

Overwhelmed

2007-01-29T10:28:00.000-08:00

Psalm 57

Have mercy on me, O God, have mercy!
I look to you for protection.
I will hide beneath the shadow of your wings
until the danger passes by.
I cry out to God Most High,
to God who will fulfill his purpose for me.
He will send help from heaven to rescue me,
disgracing those who hound me.
Interlude

My God will send forth his unfailing love and faithfulness.

I am surrounded by fierce lions
who greedily devour human prey—
whose teeth pierce like spears and arrows,
and whose tongues cut like swords.

Be exalted, O God, above the highest heavens!
May your glory shine over all the earth.

My enemies have set a trap for me.
I am weary from distress.
They have dug a deep pit in my path,
but they themselves have fallen into it.
Interlude

My heart is confident in you, O God;
my heart is confident.
No wonder I can sing your praises!
Wake up, my heart!
Wake up, O lyre and harp!
I will wake the dawn with my song.
I will thank you, Lord, among all the people.
I will sing your praises among the nations.
For your unfailing love is as high as the heavens.
Your faithfulness reaches to the clouds.

Be exalted, O God, above the highest heavens.
May your glory shine over all the earth.

Wow, this decision to go to school full-time in the Fall (well, for both of us to go) has proven to be quite challenging. A lot of hurdles have popped up and it's gotten a tad overwhelming due to the urgent nature of it all, at least for the next few weeks. This Psalm has spoken to me so many times over the course of my life that it's become my favorite, especially with the references to music (for obvious reasons!). I was feeling particularly overwhelmed when I went home for lunch and I felt drawn to read this out loud. I couldn't help but cry as I read it.

The desire of my heart is to use music to bring glory to God. If someone realizes the depth of God's love for them more deeply because of my music, that is all I can hope for. I know that God has gifted me in this area for a purpose and it has been so frustrating to feel like the dreams that God's put on my heart get pushed further away from my reach.

Before, when challenges on the educational front came up, I fought it as much as I could, but eventually have to give up, at least temporarily. But now I'm in a position in life where I have more freedom than I've had before to pursue my educational dreams, and to have hurdles come up again is so frustrating. I am both weary of the fight and even more determined to fight for what I believe God is leading me to. Granted, I know that God could again have other plans for me and for Nathan, but I'm gonna keep fighting in the direction God's given us unless it becomes obvious that God has other plans.

If you think of it, please pray for us. Nathan's school shouldn't be an issue, but I will have to get an exception from the Director of the Music Dept in order to be able to transfer to the school I hope to eventually get my degree from (San Francisco State University). God's already given me someone "on my side" in Dr. Josh Habermann (Choir Director and Advisor for voice students - who is friends with my choir director here at SBCC, Nathan Kreitzer) who has taken up my cause on the recommendation of Prof Kreitzer. I also have very good grades on my side (Thank you Jesus!)

However, I have to give a strong audition (vocal performance), as well as take placement tests for musicianship and theory, and piano. Normally, placement tests would be just that. But since I'm trying to get an exception, my test scores will have some bearing in the decision.

I have been out of practice in all these areas for a year and I only have THREE WEEKS to prepare! I'm also hoping to get a scholarship, which will also be determined by my audition. Be praying for me on February 22nd in particular (the day of the tests and audition). I'm gonna need it!

Thankfully, the faculty at SBCC are incredibly helpful and I should be able to get all the help I need through them. There are just so many details, especially with applying for financial aid. And I'm trying to get used to being in school while working fulltime on top of making sure I have time for my husband.

It'll be a miracle in and of itself if I don't have a mental breakdown in the next few weeks.

Jumping off the cliff

2007-01-22T11:23:00.000-08:00

Aaaaaahhhhh!

I am both excited and a little nervous about it, but we've decided to take the leap and move up to San Francisco (probably in August) and both pursue school fulltime. We took all day Saturday to talk, reconnect, and discuss the future. It was time well-spent and I think we both realized that this is the path we need to take, whether it may lead.

We both feel a lot of peace about living in the SF area, and in our choice of schools, etc. Nathan will be going to Ex'pression College for Digital Arts and I'm hoping to be able to get into San Francisco State (I'm still not 100% decided - and I'm not even totally sure I CAN transfer there yet - since I've got a little researching to do).

Nathan mentioned it to a trusted friend of his at church and his friend said that SF would be the best place for us to go. It was an awesome confirmation after a day of seeking and discussing.

In practical terms, I'm behind the curve in terms of applying to schools, which limits my opportunities for Fall, but even if I have to go to another Community College up there for a semester before transferring to a 4-year, I'll do it.

In terms of seeking financial aid, scholarships, loans, etc, IT'S ON! There's a lot to get put together in a relatively short amount of time, but it's all in God's hands. I'm trusting Him to work things out and I'm trying (somewhat successfully) to not run around like a chicken with my head chopped off.

It's crazy to think we'll be moving 6-7 months from now. And if I do go to SFSU, I could end up starting school the day after our first anniversary.

Taking a Risk

2007-01-19T11:32:00.000-08:00

Over the past few days I've been feeling a lot of different things... Dread.... Fear... Excitement ... Restlessness.

It may not seem like a huge change is happening in my life, but I'm going back to school (for the umpteenth time) next week and it's brought up a bunch of different things to consider. One of my friends told me that I'm making things too complicated. Perhaps I am, or perhaps in my life it truly is a complicated matter. I don't want to end up on the wrong path and have my actions affect both my life and the life of my husband.

Anyway, now is the time of year to apply for Financial Aid (FAFSA, CalGrant, Scholarships, Loans, etc, etc) and I've never been able to really do that since I wasn't considered "independent" enough and my parents weren't willing to give their financial information so I could properly fill out applications.

So I'm finding myself having to answer questions as to whether I will be in school Fulltime or Parttime in the 2007-2008 school year. How the heck do I know? Since we got engaged nearly a year and a half ago, our plans have changed fairly significantly. Between now and the Fall, things could change again, depending on what God's got in store for us. What should I be working towards?

Nathan and I are going to have a chat this weekend and take some time to really pray and discuss where we want to go. I don't want to be 30 by the time I get my degree unless that's part of God's plan somehow (please no!!).

And so here we are at a point of deciding whether to take a risk and both go back to school fulltime, at the same time, and trust God to provide the financial means to do this, or does God have something else in store for us? If God wants us to go on this adventure with Him, are we willing to truly seek His voice and take the plunge?

It's a scary thought, and to work towards it will require both work (saving money, applying for financial aid) and risk (moving to an unknown area, trusting in God to provide finances and part-time jobs), but at the same time it's exhilarating to think about what God may have in store for us if we run after His plans and purpose for our newly minted marriage.

Yikes!!!!

Tagged! 5 things you may not know about me...

2007-01-18T10:33:00.000-08:00

Ryan tagged me over on my other blog, but I thought I'd post it here too for those of you who may read one and not the other :)

1. I went to a Catholic school K-4th grade, then was homeschooled after that.

2. When I was a baby, I gave my parents a cancer scare (turns out one of my kidneys has a cyst and doesn't function, but it wasn't a problem and doesn't affect me other than not being able to play contact sports and stuff like that)

3. I started Civil War Re-Enacting when I was 13 and got my family into it (we spent my 14th Birthday at a Re-enactment in Fresno!). I wore a corset, hoopskirt, the whole deal. And I would totally do it again if I had the time and means (and if I could convince Nathan to join me! HA!!!)

4. I "wrote" and recorded my first song when I was about the same age. The lyrics were:
Goldilocks and the Three Bears (repeat indefinitely)

5. I locked my sister Veronica outside on the deck when she was a baby (I would have been 2 or 3). After my mom rescued her before she could fall, she told me Veronica could have died. My loving big-sister response: "That's ok, we can just get another one".

Edit: Oh yeah, I'm supposed to tag other people. I don't think there are 5 people who read this blog who haven't already been tagged, so I'm not gonna pass it on. If you want to do it though, go ahead! Consider yourself tagged!

Grace in War

2007-01-09T20:35:00.000-08:00

Today is SynchroBlog day! There's going to be a lot of discussion (here and elsewhere) on the subject of Spiritual Warfare.

I've fairly recently discussed the topic already from a personal point of view and I didn't want to simply re-hash those thoughts. As I was thinking about Spiritual Warfare and how the term is used, abused, and thrown about, I got to thinking about what really matters in all this. The name I chose for my blog kept popping into my brain as I was pondering and so I decided on the subject of Grace and how it relates to spiritual warfare and what our attitudes should be in regards to it.

Definitions:

Here are a few of Dictionary.com's descriptions of the word Grace that relate:

grace /greɪs/
–noun
3. favor or good will.
4. a manifestation of favor, esp. by a superior.
5. mercy; clemency; pardon: an act of grace.
8. Theology.
a. the freely given, unmerited favor and love of God.
b. the influence or spirit of God operating in humans to regenerate or strengthen them.
c. a virtue or excellence of divine origin: the Christian graces.
d. Also called state of grace. the condition of being in God's favor or one of the elect.
9. moral strength: the grace to perform a duty.

The following passage is from Ephesians 6 and is the word picture that prompted the use of "warfare".

10 A final word: Be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. 11 Put on all of God’s armor so that you will be able to stand firm against all strategies of the devil. 12 For we are not fighting against flesh-and-blood enemies, but against evil rulers and authorities of the unseen world, against mighty powers in this dark world, and against evil spirits in the heavenly places.

13 Therefore, put on every piece of God’s armor so you will be able to resist the enemy in the time of evil. Then after the battle you will still be standing firm. 14 Stand your ground, putting on the belt of truth and the body armor of God’s righteousness. 15 For shoes, put on the peace that comes from the Good News so that you will be fully prepared. 16 In addition to all of these, hold up the shield of faith to stop the fiery arrows of the devil. 17 Put on salvation as your helmet, and take the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God.

18 Pray in the Spirit at all times and on every occasion. Stay alert and be persistent in your prayers for all believers everywhere.

Ephesians 6:10-18

"Spiritual Warfare"

Call it what you will, Spiritual Warfare is a very real thing. Most of the time it doesn't feel very war-like though. We're not perpetually caught up in heated battles, duking it out with demons and evil presences. There are times when you may come face to face with evil, either in your own life, or in the lives of those around you, but for the most part, it's not a very "sensational" thing in American life.

As Christians, we are constantly fighting for the Kingdom of God, but what I find I'm fighting most often is myself. I struggle between what I know I should do and what my flesh and sinful desires would have me do. My first priority as follower of Jesus is to be with Him, learn from Him, and communicate who He is with others, be it through actions or words.

Christians are called to be where He is, to enter into what He is already doing in us and the world around us. We are given blessing that we don't deserve because of the grace of God. We are given the Spirit of God to lead us and speak for us when we don't have the words. We become heirs to the Kingdom of God and are given the spiritual authority to fight "against evil rulers and authorities of the unseen world, against mighty powers in this dark world, and against evil spirits in the heavenly places." in the powerful name of Jesus.

The Dangers and the Benefits

It can be too easy to swing to the extremes when it comes to attitudes about spiritual warfare. One extreme is to basically ignore that it happens. The second is to emphasize it so much that it negates the power of God. We need to recognize that it exists so we can constantly be on alert for how we might fall prey to our own human, sinful tendencies, so we can rely on God to give us the strength to win over through His Spirit.

I have found that spiritual warfare within my own life has been a source of growth, knowledge through experience, and healing in my journey towards understanding God and becoming closer to Him and closer to who he created me to be. He has constantly continued to show His power over evil things I let into my life and became so entrenched that I didn't think I'd ever be free of them. He continually restores me closer towards His original intention of who He created me to be. He has given me knowledge through experience that has helped me walk beside people in my life through similar experiences and be a part of bringing them closer to Jesus.

Through the work of God in our own lives, through the internal wars that go on throughout our lives, God shapes us. He sharpens us, and softens us. He enables us to be a part of his plan in the lives of others as they journey closer to Him.

Grace Towards Others

Throughout it all, the important thing to remember is that just as God has given us all this through His grace and love, so we need to treat others with the same grace and love. We are not fighting against other people, regardless of whether they are followers of Jesus or not. It's easy to judge and put someone in a box when they lean towards an extreme attitude towards spiritual warfare, have differing beliefs, or speak incorrectly about spiritual warfare.

Our priority should be to pray for them, treat them with the same grace God's given us (after all, we could be the ones who are wrong!) and depending on the relationship with the person, challenge them about their attitudes in a spirit of love.

Pray in the Spirit at all times and on every occasion. Stay alert and be persistent in your prayers for all believers everywhere.

Stand firm against evil, but be filled with love and grace, let those guide your actions. Consistently be in prayer for fellow believers as we fight for the same causes, no matter how different our strategies may be.

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Others in the Discussion

Here's a list of the other SynchroBloggers participating on the discussion of Spiritual Warfare - I'm excited to see what other thoughts come out of this discussion...

Phil Wyman - Pagans, Witches, and Spiritual Warfare
John Smulo - Portraits of Spiritual Warfare
Mike Crockett - Sufism: How the Inner Jihad relates to Christian Spiritual Warfare
Steve Hayes - Thoughts on Spiritual Warfare
Marieke Schwartz - Grace in War
Cindy Harvey - Spiritual Warfare. (?)
Jenelle D'Allesandro - The Militancy of Worship
Mike Bursell - Spiritual Warfare: a liberal looking inwards
David Fisher - Spiritual Warfare: Does it have to be loud and wacky?
Brian Heasley - Something from Ibiza via Ireland
Webb Kline - Webb Kline
Sally Coleman - Sally Coleman
Mike Murrow - Mike Murrow

Sychronized Blogging

2007-01-05T10:02:00.000-08:00

I'm participating in a "Synchronized Blogging" event next Wednesday, when a group of bloggers are going to post their thoughts on Spiritual Warfare. I'm oddly excited as some of the people participating are pastors and spiritual leaders I respect. I feel like I am reaching some new level of blogging or something, ha!

Anyway, my theme is going to be on grace and how it relates to spiritual warfare. I don't really know quite where I'm going with that yet, but the thought has been stuck in my head, so I'm going with it!

I'm gonna be doing a lot of thinking, praying, and studying my Bible this weekend (which is something I was planning on doing anyway...I just have a little extra impetus)....

Changes and a Restless Spirit

2007-01-04T13:32:00.000-08:00

Changes:

2006 was a year of big changes, most notably, my marriage to Nathan.

There were a lot of associated changes and events that came along with it:

- Planning a wedding and all the spiritual and emotional stuff that goes along with preparing for marriage
- Moving into the 425 square foot apartment that Nathan and I now share from a spacious house I shared with 4 other girls.
- Sleeping next to another person
- Experiencing the spiritual changes that happen when you vow yourself to another person for life....there is no way I could describe it, since I don't totally understand it
- Joining finances and learning how to manage them with another person (whew!)
- Developing a different relationship with my parents and family and same with my husband and his family (we're both the first children to marry from our respective families)

One touchy subject for me lately is this:

- My friendships have changed.

I don't know if it's marriage that has changed things, or if there's something else, but it seems as though my relationships have morphed over the last year.

I've never tended towards having tons of friends. I usually have just one or two close female friends. I'm a pretty friendly person (I think) and have many people that I would consider friends, but I like having just one or two that I really make an effort to get together with and talk to about the deeper things of life.

At this point, I don't feel like I have any female friends I can easily talk to at a deeper level. I had that in the not too distant past, but it seems as though changing seasons have pulled me apart from those relationships. I can see how they gradually shifted through my engagement and into my marriage. Honestly, it's painful. But for some reason, it seems to happen over and over again in my life. I'll have one close friend during a particular season of my life and then we'll drift apart and eventually another friend comes into the pictures and so on. I know there is a natural ebb and flow to friendships, but it seems like very few of them actually stay in my life over the long haul. I'll end up trying to stay connected, but eventually give up after repeated attempts. This time, I am fighting harder to keep one friendship in particular, so we'll see how that plays out.

But, on the plus side, I did something unlike myself and joined a Knit Group that meets weekly, even though I didn't know a single person prior to joining. It's helped me get back into a hobby I enjoy (crocheting and now knitting) as well as introduced me to some women who are quickly becoming dear friends. Knit Group has become a precious thing to me and I hate missing it (which I only do when absolutely necessary!). I love the connection I have with other women, especially women who understand my passion for creating things.

Creativity and Community:

Another thing I've noticed about myself is how much I need community to fuel my creativity. I love music and creating it is a passion of mine, but I feel as though the fueling lines have been blocked. I realized that when I was at my peak musically, I was in the company of fellow musicians on a daily basis who encouraged me and vice versa. I was surrounded by music and creativity and others who shared that passion. So, despite the hecticness of my life, the lack of sleep, and the heightened stress-level, my passion was fueled and I was creating music, pushing myself to dig deeper. Since then, I've tried to fuel that passion on my own and it hasn't been very successful. Sadly, my music has fallen to the wayside and I wish I knew what to do to fix that.

On the flip side, during the height of my musical creativity, most of my other creative passions took a backseat. Now, it's through fiber arts that I am letting my creativity shine, and that probably wouldn't be happening if it weren't for the fact that I have a community of other women that I'm connected with who share that passion and cheer each other on.

Restlessness

There is a restlessness in my spirit that goes along with all these things. I can sense the music within me that wants an outlet...that is simmering below the surface of my soul ready to emerge when the time is right and the lines are unblocked.

This same restlessness keeps me from becoming too complacent in my relationship with God. Whenever God's wanting to do some work in me, the restlessness grows until I can't deny it. I get melancholy and crave time alone, time to think, time to spill out my spirit onto paper in the quietness of the presence of God and say "See this paper? These are the things on my heart...reveal to me what you want me to see. What changes do you want to make in my heart, in my life?"

I am glad for it because it keeps me from becoming too self-reliant. It reminds me that it is only in Jesus that I find true peace, direction, and security.

The future

2007 is going to bring many changes as well...possibly some big ones. I sense that melancholy restlessness as I prepare for going back to school to pursue my dream (currently one class at a time).

It's time to get out the Bible and journal and find some quiet space to reflect, pour out my heart to God, and wait on Him.

Living "offensively"

2006-12-29T15:18:00.000-08:00

Offensive meaning "proactive", that is.

My husband, Nathan, and I were talking as we walked to lunch today and I shared with him how I feel like a lot of things in life have changed since we got married, not all directly related to marriage.

Lately I've been frustrated in the area of friends. I'm having to take the offensive and be the one to pursue my relationships outside my marriage (although that one also takes work, especially being only 4 months old). The thing is, I feel like I'm the only one making the effort to take the initiative. Whether it's my close friend that I don't see anymore unless we make specific plans, or the new friends I'm making through my knit group and other places. Honestly the lack of effort on my friends' sides at times makes me feel like I'm not important to them. And taking the initiative isn't always easy for me, which means that I end up not spending the time with my dear friends that I wish I did.

I could easily live "defensively" and end up a hermit, only spending time with my husband and probably driving him nutso. Perhaps if I waited long enough, someone would decide to actually call me up. It can also be tiring and discouraging, but in the end, when I'm connecting with that friend who's been with me through this and that, it's all worth it.

But I crave community and I crave the encouragement of others, especially other believers. It's the way God designed us. We are to sharpen iron on iron and that's what Church is about whether that's your normal church service, or two friends coming together in Christ to encourage, exhort and lift each other up.

On a spiritual level, the Bible is constantly using "offensive" terminology, and perhaps that's where the term "warfare" comes from, especially considering the continuous warring that went on in the Old Testament and throughout Israel's history. The wars and battles fought were both spiritual and literal. I think that we like to be able to label things, so we put the label of "warfare" on the spiritual battle that goes on in our lives. I know I feel a warring going on between my soul and my fleshly desires. And it's too easy to name off the demons "Greed, Lust, Self-righteousness, Pride, Anger". And it certainly feels like demonic oppression.

...and on this rock I will build my church, and the gates of Hades will not overcome it. Matt 16:18

The gates don't move. The church does. WE are on the offensive and the "powers of Hell" (as another translation puts it), are on the defensive. But that doesn't mean that we are knocking down people along the way. We are to overcome evil with GOOD. The greatest of these is LOVE. I think that's where a lot of us get confused (particularly in Charismatic circles). We become so impassioned, that we forget that Jesus' focus was on healing, restoration, touching the untouchables, recognizing people's needs and meeting them where they are at. He didn't sit back and just let people travel to him from wherever they were (although that did happen as well), he traveled to the people...he went to their homes and ate with them, healed them, and restored them.

We aren't better than people who don't know Jesus like we do. We aren't above them, or in some Holy club, we are simply followers of a God who has touched us and we are called to share His touch with those around us. He's given us His spirit so that we have authority and power over evil, but he calls us to love our neighbors above all else.

What do you struggle with when it comes to contemporary understandings of spiritual warfare?
What should spiritual warfare look like in everyday life?

I struggle with recognizing that I am CALLED to be on the offensive, to be proactive, in how I live my life. To GO. I can't just float along on the barge to heaven. But I'm not called to be on a "battleship" either. Rather, I'd like to think of it more like a mercy ship. Wherever I am, I should be reflecting the love of Christ to those around me. I need to See the people around me as Jesus sees them. I need to Touch them as He would touch them. I need to Meet them where they are and give of what Jesus has given to me.....I need to LOVE them.

So in the day to day, I think the number one thing is to be connecting with God...to See Him, to Touch Him, and to let Him meet our needs, to fill us with Himself. Without His love and life in us, we can't do it. I know I can't. We need him to open our eyes, our ears and our hearts to what's going on in our lives and the lives of those around us.

I do think that there may be times (moments or even longer periods of time) when the spiritual is more present in my awareness and there is a strong sense of very real, very demonic activity, but in the day to day it's not that sensational.

"Spiritual Warfare"?!?

2006-12-29T11:07:00.000-08:00

This thing commonly referred to as "Spiritual Warfare" has been coming up quite a bit lately in some blogs I've been reading (Phil Wyman and John Smulo in particular).

Honestly, it's messing with my head. In a good way. At the moment, I somehow feel the desire to cry after reading Smulo's latest entry on the topic, which I don't understand at all. He asks the questions:

What do you struggle with when it comes to contemporary understandings of spiritual warfare?
What should spiritual warfare look like in everyday life?

Honestly, I have no clue at the moment. I could wax on about something or another and make it sound coherent and logical, but I don't feel that would do myself or anyone else justice. So instead, this post is simply a spilling out of what's in my head and heart...all to be taken with a grain of salt.

Perhaps I'm feeling emotional about it because if certain parts of my current understanding of spiritual warfare (and I agree that we need another term for that, John) aren't "real" then it casts a completely different light on some of the experiences I've had and I have to re-think and re-process them with a different spiritual understanding of what happened at those points in my life. Not to say that God didn't do anything, but the question would be, what did He actually do? Was some of it simply in my head?

Silence

2006-11-17T11:55:00.000-08:00

Louann Mims was forced into a kind of stillness that few can imagine. But stillness is something we all need more of. As Mother Teresa wrote, "We need to find God, and he cannot be found in noise and restlessness. God is the friend of silence. See how nature — trees, flowers, grass — grow in silence; see the stars, the moon and the sun, how they move in silence ... we need silence to be able to touch souls."

As we struggle to find our way through situations that make us feel helpless, we need to take time to rest in God. Those silent moments can become a source of strength and clarity. As it says in Isaiah 30:15, "In returning and rest you shall be saved; in quietness and confidence shall be your strength." Surviving Desperation by Jenny Shroedel

Wednesday night I went to the House of Blues in Anaheim with Nathan for the Hotel Cafe Tour (see my review of the show here). Rachael Yamagata was playing a song and had the audience singing along. She got to a point in the song where she paused, and there was silence. An audience member started singing the next line and she stopped them saying "that was a dramatic pause" and launched into an amusing explanation of the dramatic pause while playing the piano.

Music has been on my mind a lot lately as well as how Music, that huge part of myself, relates to God and my relationship with Him.

The above quote made me think of that moment between Rachael and the audience and how silence has it's own purpose, even with music, which we mostly think of in terms of sound, not silence.

Silence is a reprieve.

It is a moment to take in what you've just hear. To anticipate what's to come. To simply sit back and enjoy the eye of the storm.

Sometimes there is silence before the drop that fills your soul with excitement.

There is silence that reverberates with the harshness of what has passed, allowing your senses to recuperate.

Other times there is silence filled with suspense...in eager anticipation of that final resolution of a chord, the echoes of a music suspended in the conscious.

Yet it all has purpose. Silence is not a void, so much as it is a space. A space to grieve, to heal, to wait, to anticipate. Sometimes you rest, sometimes you are frustrated waiting for what's to come. It is not always restful if you're waiting for that resolution.

How does this realization apply to my life now?

I feel in some ways my soul, my musical soul, has been in a period of silence, even with a cacophony of sound happening in the outside parts of my life.

The music within me is swirling, unknown, untouched, waiting for the right moment of silence and openness to reveal itself.

I get frustrated. Sometimes it's because of the outer sounds of life that crowd out the silence that I desperately need. Other times it's because I am not letting myself be still and try to create noise that shouldn't be there.

When I am quiet, when I allow the silence to come over me. That is when I often hear the deep, gut-wrenching cry of my soul to touch the Creator and to create something that honors, praises, and adores Him.

Voodoo Practitioner tries to Jinx Bush

2006-11-16T14:17:00.000-08:00

BOGOR, Indonesia - A renowned black magic practitioner performed a voodoo ritual Thursday to jinx President George W. Bush and his entourage while he was on a brief visit to Indonesia.

Ki Gendeng Pamungkas slit the throat of a goat, a small snake and stabbed a black crow in the chest, stirred their blood with spice and broccoli before drank the "potion" and smeared some on his face.

"I don't hate Americans, but I don't like Bush," said Pamungkas, who believed the ritual would succeed as, "the devil is with me today."

He said the jinx would sent spirits to posses Secret Service personnel guarding Bush and left them in a trance, leading them into falsely thinking the President was under attack, thus eventually causing chaos in Bogor Presidential Palace, where the American leader was scheduled to meet President Susilo Bambang Yudhoyono on Monday.

Indonesia the world's most populous Muslim country, however many still practicing animist rituals, including black magic, that predate Islam's arrival in the archipelago.

"I am doing voodoo, because other ritual would not work," he told reporters after he conducted the gory ritual about 1 kilometers from the palace.

This gave me the chills! Regardless of what you think of Bush, it's sobering to realize the spiritual warfare leaders endure. Who knows how many things like this happen to our President, to other political leaders, and especially spiritual leaders?

Definitely a reminder to be praying for our leaders on all levels.

In response: "To Whom Can the Pastor Confess?"

2006-11-08T17:07:00.000-08:00

Rather than take up a ton of comment space, I've decided to repond here (I'm too long-winded!!)

The numbered questions/notes are PB's and the responses are mine...his original post is linked above.

1. Do we subtly want our leaders to be inhuman?

I think that many do. My guess is that the root is that people want a connection with God and end up placing a pastor in an idolatrous position, rather than seeing them for who they are: humans who make mistakes and are on this journey with us. What they really need is JESUS in that place of leadership in their lives, rather than relying on the leader to facilitate their relationship with God (directly or indirectly) to the point that they

I touched on this in my own blog today, but I personally feel *closer* to leadership that ARE human. I feel like I can relate more and in a sense trust that leader more because I know they’ve gone through the things I go through in my attempts to get closer to God and learn more about who he is and what that means in my life and my actions.

On a personal and specific level, I love that you pastor in a way that you are honest about your searching, your doubts, your failing and weaknesses (obviously not telling us everything…some things should only be for close, trusted mentors and friends). I think that makes a stronger spiritual leader, because you are allowing God to be glorified, rather than yourself. Plus, I appreciate knowing how I can pray for you more effectively.

I think showing honesty, brokenness, and a lack of knowledge as a spiritual leader (thereby allowing God to work through it) is one of those things that can only make sense in the Kingdom of God, because the world will think us foolish. Somehow, I am drawn to leaders who confess, even on a “small” level of their failings because I know they are being genuine.

2. Should the pastor confess to others in the local faith community?

I think the answer to this lies in what kind of relationships are fostered within that community. I think that pastors may be surprised at how people will support them in their struggles. But it depends on the person with whom they foster that relationship.

There may be issues that come up specifically within leadership that only other leaders will fully understand, just as there are issues within every person’s life that only someone else who’s walked in those shoes can understand (a few that come to mind are marriage, parenthood, death of a loved one, gender differences, age, different work experiences), though someone who hasn’t may be able to empathize.

No matter what our own personal and differing experiences may be, anyone can pray for another person! And that is the most powerful thing, because it allows God to do the work.

3. The myth of “up the ladder” confession.

I totally know what you mean, even without specifically being in leadership. I think there is a built in fear of being truly vulnerable (and confession is definitely that!) to someone in a position “above” you, not to mention the complexity of different relationship “hats” like you mentioned. I can understand to a degree, as someone in a relationship that takes on two different expressions (work and family) and how the mixture can create tension in either or both expressions because of that blurring of lines.

4. Pastors without peers.

The buddy-buddy thing so many church communities have has never failed to bug the hell out of me. I always get excited to see pastors of different communities come together to share life and share the unique challenges and joys you share…and especially to pray for one another and the Church as a whole. A separated church was not God’s intention, and I don’t see isolated pastors as being part of his intention either. I’m glad you take time to foster relationship with other young leaders in our community in a joint effort.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

On a personal note, my prayer for you and other leaders is that you’d find true fellowship and friendship and that would pave the way in creating real relationships and fostering honesty and that God would pour out grace upon you in this area. I think you have paved the way already…certainly much more than I’ve ever seen in any other leader that I’ve known.

I think the first steps in that are to encourage that within the community you lead, and because Aqueous is so community-based, I think that there is much more of a “friendly” environment in terms of confessing and receiving grace, no matter if you’re a leader or not.

~Marieke

Why do I care about Ted Haggard?

2006-11-08T11:48:00.000-08:00

Ted Haggard's Statement to New Life Church

A Letter by Jack Hayford Regarding Ted Haggard & NAE Statement Release (Blogged by Billy Calderwood)

Billy's blogpost regarding Haggard & Comments

(I listed the links above instead of embedding them because they (and the news websites like CNN and MSNBC) are where I've gotten my information and are worth reading.)

I just posted my most recent comment on Pastor Billy's Blog (the third link) and it got me thinking...

Why do I care about the Ted Haggard situation?

I don't have any personal connection to him, to his church, and I don't think I've read any of his books. I don't even know that I would have recognized his name immediately as a Christian leader until recently (though I have heard his name before). Yet for some reason, I'm finding myself drawn into dialogue in various places and pondering his situation.

Growing up in the culture of modern Evangelicalism, specifically pretty conservative and "traditional" expressions, but now having a bit more of a post-modern, emergent church outlook, I have been on two sides of the coin, so to speak, when it comes to issues of leadership, sin, and the collision of both.

I remember the outrage that ensued after Amy Grant got divorced and then remarried not too long after. Christian radio stations stopped playing her music, people pointed fingers and condemned her without knowing the full story. I'll admit, a part of myself condemned her (there was no admittance of abuse or adultery or unfaithfulness- situations where divorce is Biblically allowed to my understanding - that I can recall), but I also started to question how people who don't know her personally could possibly cast judgement when each of us deals with our own sin issues and personal failings.

Then later on, through my own personal journey, my understanding of grace increased as I came to know God's grace more fully in my own life. I realized that there truly are complexities in so many modern-day situation that aren't explicitly addressed in the Bible. It forces us to dig deeper and look at the root values God gives us...the issues that truly matter, beyond a list of "Do's and Don'ts".

What of women who are abused or abandoned, both physically and emotionally? Again, there's no physical act of adultery, yet is that not unfaithfulness? Who in their right mind would tell a woman who is being emotionally or physically battered by her husband to stay with him because to divorce would be a sin?

Then there is the issue of Church Leaders.

Pastor Billy (PB) cited Scot McKnight's comments on the issue of Ted Haggard and the lack of openness about sin issues in evangelicalism:

But, what I find here is what I want to call the evangelical environment. In evangelicalism, and the charismatic stream in which Ted Haggard swims, sin is bad and sin by leaders is real bad. This leads to a complex of features that creates a serious problem:

1. Christians, and not just pastors, do not feel free to disclose sins to anyone;
2. Christians, including pastors, sin and sin all the time;
3. Christians, including pastors, in evangelicalism do not have a mechanism of confession;
4. Christians and pastors, because of the environment of condemnation of sin and the absence of a mechanism of confession, bottle up their sins, hide their sins, and create around themselves an apparent purity and a reality of unconfessed/unadmitted sin.
5. When Christians do confess, and it is often only after getting caught, they are eaten alive by fellow evangelicals — thus leading some to deeper levels of secrecy and deceit.

What we saw with Haggard is not just about leaders; it is about all of us.

Thus, a proposal, and I can only suggest it and hope that some evangelical leaders will catch the same vision — some at the national and international leadership level: evangelicals need to work hard at creating an environment of honesty. It is dishonest to the human condition to pretend that Christians don’t sin; but as long as we are afraid to confess to one another we will continue to create an unrealistic and hypocritical environment.

This "environment of honesty" is an idea that has always been something on my heart, even if it's lain dormant for periods at a time.

I've always put the most trust in leaders who were willing to admit to their failings, past or present. Whenever I heard a pastor mention some example of a failing in his own life as an object lesson, I tended to listen up more. Those moments of vulnerability were the catalyst for trust, ironically.

If a leader can be open about their failings, they seem more human and there is less of this "you are great, I am not" barrier that prevents the layperson from hiding their own sin to "impress" others with their strong faith.

It takes more strength to admit to mistakes and lay it out there for others to help you gain the spiritual strength to continue tackling the sins that persist, than to simply hide it all from prying eyes...which then compounds the problem by letting it grow in darkness.

McKnight further states:

To do this, we need to begin at the local church level of learning to utter honesty with one another, to confess sins, privately as much as possible, to mentors who are spiritually sensitive. I believe if confession becomes a safe environment — and exposure of what is confessed in private must be treated as a serious offense — that an entirely new environment can be created in which time will bring out the sins of Christians in such a way that it is both recognized and simultaneously dealt with responsibly so that ongoing growth and periodic healing and restoration can take place.

This is SO HUGE. It is not just "leaders" who need to make changes, but ALL of us...because each one of us who claim to follow Christ as the Lord of our lives have a responsibility to reflect Him. We are ALL called to a higher standard by the God who has called us to Him.

Rather than pointing the finger at others, we need to check out the fingers pointing right back at us and search ourselves. We need to pursue honesty and grace within that. We need to seek out mentors and those we ourselves can mentor and create that safe environment of honesty one person at a time.

The times of greatest healing in my life have been when I've faced the demons and sins in my own life and I've called them out for what they were to people that I trusted. In those times, I knew that what I said and experienced wouldn't be spread beyond the eyes and ears in that room.

I care because Haggard is a fellow Christian who has fallen like all of us do and needs our grace and mercy.

I care because he is hurting, his family is hurting, and a great many others are hurting and they need God's healing touch.

I care because I want to see God glorified through Haggard's weakness.

I care because Christians' reactions (grace or condemnation) will affect how others view our faith.

Most of all, we should all care because Jesus cares enough about each one of us that he died for EACH ONE of our sins. Not one of us is spotless, nor are we in any position to judge another just because our sins are more "acceptable".

Music & God - Creativity & God

2006-10-09T14:55:00.000-07:00

Over the last year in particular, I've been grappling with what exactly I should be doing with this gift of music that God's given me. I've dabbled in songwriting, but lately its been a frustrating effort for me as I am not involved in a community of music like I was when I wrote my best songs (as a music major at City College). Being involved in that community was what fed my creative spirit and it's harder to motivate yourself when not in that type of environment.

Anyway, I've also been on a path of discovering what the idea of "music" means to God, to my relationship with God and I don't fully have words for all the thoughts in my head about the matter.

Getting to the point of this post (or perhaps, the lack of a point...) a fellow poster on the Relevant Magazine Message Boards posted this question towards "Creative Types":

I know the churh I attend is not very creative (but they think they are). Talented, yes; Creative, no!

Creative people are just too hard to handle for most people I've come across in the church so they're simply ignored or even put down until they conform.

That's my experience. I would like to hear about how other people see it.

This is what I posted in return (you can read the thread for all the responses):

I came from a church (grew up in it, actually) that was very stuck in it's ways and now I'm a part of a church that allows creativity to flow naturally (and not to the point of focusing on that and not what God is leading us to do).

I sometimes struggle with "worship" at my old church when I go there with my family since they are still involved and I truly love the people. The lack of talent, besides a lack of creativity, used to bug the hell out of me. But the problem was with ME, not with the church (well, not all of it anyway). My attitude was that my way was better and I had to fight the distraction of thinking about how much the music sucked, particularly since music is where I'm talented and where I do my best to be creative.

I'm very glad to be involved in the church community where I am now. My gifts (both creative and otherwise) are nurtured and given space to move as everyone else's are as well.

Someone mentioned how certain creative influences would be better if given space outside the standard "church" context. I totally agree! Our church doesn't have "special music" or really anything that isn't interactive in some way or another. But people are encouraged in their gifts. For instance, a band made up of various members from the church worship team (that isn't explicitly Christian in their songwriting) has been plugged in church because they are people who are trying to reach people through non-traditional means and out in the community, rather than just within the church community.

I think that certain God-given talents and creativity are better served OUTSIDE the church context (but encouraged within it) because that's where we can reach people and share God's love better than if we only use our gifts to serve the church community.

I don't know if I've made sense. I'm still figuring out what "music" means to my relationship with God, with the church, with other people, etc, since it is such a huge part of who I am and who God made me.

I don't have a neat way to close up these thoughts because they are still so open-ended to me. I certainly haven't figured it out, but I'm curious what other people may have to say (if they are even still checking my poor abandoned blog!)