..:::Raining Grace:::..

I've moved!!

2007-06-27T14:48:00.000-07:00

No, not to San Francisco ;) Not yet anyway!

I've moved from Blogger over to Wordpress. I like the features and templates a bit better. Make sure to change your RSS feeds if you use a blog reader.

Here's the new address:

http://raininggrace.wordpress.com

And don't forget about our other blogs:

* http://themarieke.wordpress.com
* http://nathanandmarieke.wordpress.com

Contentment

2007-06-19T14:18:00.000-07:00

I've been discovering the joy of contentment lately...and it's not like my life is full of sunshine and roses right now, either. I've been processing a lot spiritually and mentally, on top of preparing for some huge life change (the big move).

Content with less
The biggest thing that I've noticed is that I don't feel the same need to have new things that I used to. I still like shopping (especially for yarn and other craft stuff) but because we've been watching our pennies a bit more closely, I've realized that I don't really need much. I probably have a year's worth of yarn at least if I just put my mind to actually using it. And when I do decide to spend a little money on something, it is more often than not something I will use and enjoy, rather than a frivolous purchase.

Since I'm spending less, the desire to actually buy new things has been quelled a bit. I've been finding myself re-purposing items, finding new ways to use old things, and realizing how little I really need even of the things I have.

As I've been sorting out our belongings into what we really want to keep and what we don't need, it's been a joy to give things away to people who will use them and enjoy them more than I will, or use them for a better purpose (like sewing supplies to a woman who teaches kids to sew, or kitchen items to my sister who runs a house for international students).

The goal with our move is to end up with less stuff than we have right now so we don't move crap we'll never use or don't need. And in the process, I've found that there is peace is minimizing and getting rid of the distractions that clutter not only physical space, but mental space as well.

I don't have the same desire to bigger and better things. With a 425 square foot apartment, I do hope that we'll have a slightly larger place considering our menagerie of musical equipment (electric piano and music production equipment) that takes up space, but I don't have a desire for a huge house or anything. Just something that suits our needs and allows us to offer hospitality to the hundreds of people who want to come visit us! LOL

Content with unrest

A lot has been going on. This is a huge move for me, considering I've never moved further than 5 miles from my childhood home. It's the first time I'm moving out of my beautiful hometown in the nearly 24 years I've lived here. It's a bit scary. It's caused tension and lots of unrest.

There are things in our lives that aren't perfect and never will be. There are issues coming to the surface, and there are difficulties to work through. There are things that have to be put on the backburner. But despite the impending changes, and the desires to work towards other changes (like getting more toned and less flabby), I feel content about where we're at. It doesn't need to be perfect. There is joy in the journey and I know that God has us close to Him.

This honestly really surprises me because I can be such a perfectionist and such a stress-case. And while I still am at times, something has shifted in my spirit to where I recognize that I am right where God wants me, in my imperfection, and He will bring it all to good. I just need to look at what He's doing and step into the center of His will for me. He knows what I need and when. He knows when I'll be ready for the next thing He's got going on.

And I am finding that there is contentment in just holding His hand as He makes sense of all the craziness.

July Synchroblogs

2007-06-15T08:30:00.000-07:00

I'm not participating again this go around, but here are the people who are!

Mike Bursell muses about Untouchables
David Fisher on Touching the Pharisees - My Untouchable People Group
Adam Gonnerman with Quickened Pen
Michael Bennet writes Nothing more than the crust life
Jeremiah at Models of church leadership and decision-making as
they apply to outreach
John Smulo talks about Christian Untouchables
Sally Coleman shares on The Untouchables
Sam Norton talks about Untouchables
Steve Hayes on Dalits and Hindutva
Sonja Andrews visits the subject here
Fernando A. Gros speaks up on Untouchability And Globalisation
Phil Wyman throws out the Loose Lips - A "SinkroBlog"
Josh Rivera does his stuff with the Untouchables

I am a blog addict!

2007-05-18T14:47:00.000-07:00

Yup, I have created another blog on top of the two I update regularly.

http://nathanandmarieke.wordpress.com

I designed it to keep family and friends updated on what's up as Nathan and I get ready and move to San Francisco. I'm gonna start by giving info on our preparations (apartment hunting, visiting the schools and whatnot) and then what comes up after we move. Hopefully both of us will update it, depending on what's going on.

(I also have an option for people who want to get the info via email if that's easier for ya.)

I will still be regularly updating this blog and "Work in Progress" through the summer, and hopefully beyond since these are more personal ones.

Counter-Hegemony: Borat Meets Jesus

2007-05-16T00:00:00.000-07:00

SynchroBlog May 2007: Christianity & Film

I'm coming up on finals week, so I don't have time to write an original post, but a recent paper I wrote for my Sociology class dovetails nicely with the theme this month. I've been considering posting it anyway, so I guess it was meant to be!

There is one particular scene that this post is mainly referring to, which you can see here (it's about 4 minutes long and this clip is PG): Jesus Saves Borat

The fictional character Borat, particularly as played by Sacha Baron Cohen in the movie ”Borat: Cultural Learnings of America for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan”, has generated both controversy and laughter since he first started gaining widespread popularity before the movie’s release in 2006. Some people love Borat and appreciate how the movie pushed the boundaries of what is culturally appropriate in America under the guise of Borat - a foreigner who is unabashedly open about his personal, political, and culturally-influenced thoughts and ignorant of the cultural norms and “politically correct” way to express oneself in our culture. Others however have been offended by what was interpreted by them as outright bigotry, prejudice, misogyny, deception and/or exploitation, or the glorification of such behavior.

While I personally thought the movie was hilarious overall, when it came to the church scene where Borat becomes “born-again” and starts speaking in tongues, I could not help but feel offended because of my own faith, my spiritual foundation within conservative Christian beliefs (and the conservative Christian culture in which I grew up), and the church community I currently am a part of which is part of a charismatic denomination. I've known some who have been offended by the movie on a personal level based on their faith (both Christian and Jewish), but also many who found it enjoyable in its humor as I do.

Borat, the character, is everything opposite of the “approved” cultural values and norms within our society. He is politically incorrect in his words and actions, he is racist, views women objectively, has no manners (according to American standards), and shows open disdain for his wife and family – but he doesn't violate our cultural norms intentionally. In this way, he is a symbol of counter-hegemony within our society in his total openness and transparency. But is the movie progressive in its treatment of Christianity and Pentecostalism?

Many Pentecostal and charismatic churches are made fun of and derided for their physical actions: raising hands, jumping up and down, running through the aisles, being “slain in the spirit” (a spiritual phenomena that occurs when a person is so overcome by the Holy Spirit that they cannot function – often encouraged, sometimes forced, by a spiritual leader who prays over someone while touching their forehead, shoulder, or chest – that is depicted in the movie), and being vocal in their praise; all actions that the church scene in Borat highlights. Within highly Pentecostal circles, the body is used to express spirituality in a way that is outside the mainstream. On the other hand, mainstream Christianity (the hymn-singing, don't dance in the aisles variety) is typically given more respect than Pentecostal Christianity and highly respected, upper-crust members of society would more likely be seen in a mainstream church than a Pentecostal one.

The fact that the makers of Borat chose a Pentecostal revival meeting goes along with many of the themes in the movie that correspond to the body: an extended scene where Borat and Azamat chase each other around a hotel naked, multiple scenes where Borat openly ogles, propositions, or makes derogatory comments towards women, awkward situations with feces, etc. Much, if not all of the humor in Borat is related to the “lower” parts of body in some way or another, including the revival meeting. Borat utilizes crass, gross, and bodily humor to not only provoke laughter, but draw attention to the subjects that are taboo in our culture at large, as well as taboo within the specific sub-cultures in America where the character Borat finds himself throughout his journey.

However, is Borat progressive in its counter-hegemony within the context of the church revival scene? I believe it is, even within the sub-cultures of Christianity and Pentecostalism. Christians, particularly conservative ones, have a tendency to take themselves too seriously (I know because I have and still sometimes do). I consider myself a devout Christian, but it's my personal opinion that humor that mocks aspects of Christianity can be educational because it forces us to look at some of the apparently “weird” things we might believe, say or do and consider “why?” It also gives us insight as to how others view Christianity and how some people can feel very alienated if they're not familiar with the norms and values of Christian culture.

Additionally, it points out the faults of some within Christianity. As viewers, we all know that Borat isn't really speaking in tongues as the preacher prays over him. It begs the question of whether everyone else is just making it up as well. Is it necessary or beneficial in that context, or alienating? Is there a way to be true to our beliefs and values while relating to American culture? If Christians as a group would be more open to laughing at themselves and learning from what culture is telling us, we might actually find that there is something to learn, get off our high horses, and laugh at ourselves.

May 16th Synchroblog: Christianity & Film

2007-05-15T15:28:00.000-07:00

It's that time! And this month I'll be participating again :-)

Below are the contributors. Posts will up at each blog at some point Tuesday evening through Wednesday (I'll probably be posting mine around 5pm PST so I don't forget to put it up tonight).

May Synchrobloggers:

Steve Hayes ponders The Image of Christianity in Films
Adam Gonnerman pokes at The Spider's Pardon
David Fisher thinks that Jesus Loves Sci-Fi
John Morehead considers Christians and Horror Redux: From Knee- Jerk Revulsion to Critical Engagement
Marieke Schwartz lights it up with Counter-hegemony: Jesus loves Borat
Mike Bursell muses about Christianity at the Movies
Jenelle D'Alessandro tells us Why Bjork Will Never Act Again
Cobus van Wyngaard contemplates Theology and Film (as art)
Tim Abbott tells us to Bring your own meaning...?
Sonja Andrews visits The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly: Christ in Spaghetti Westerns
Steve Hollinghurst takes a stab at The Gospel According to Buffy
Les Chatwin insists We Don't Need Another Hero
Lance Cummings says The Wooden Wheel Keeps Turning
John Smulo weaves a tale about Spiderman 3 and the Shadow
Josh Rivera at The Rivera Blog
Phil Wyman throws out the Frisbee: Time to Toss it Back
Sally Coleman is Making Connections- films as a part of a mythological tradition

Free Hugs

2007-04-30T13:57:00.000-07:00

I am constantly amazed at where God has taken me the last few months. Never would I have thought I'd end up in the County Psychological Health Department, but that's where I've found myself the last couple days, visiting my friend who ended up there due to a mess of circumstances (no, she's not crazy). Her experience has taught her some tough lessons, and it's opened my eyes as well.

It was interesting to find myself in a place that holds the people that society so often forgets about. The budget they have is minuscule - who thinks of giving resources to the Psych Dept? I didn't even know where the place was, much less what it looked like or what resources they have. And who is going to support these people who are in desperate need of healing?

A thing as simple as as flowers, or fresh underwear can bring joy and the touch of cheer that someone needs in their process of healing. Heck, just having someone visit is a big deal! A lot of the people there are on the fringes of society already - criminals, those with spiritual and mental illnesses, outcasts, people who may have little hope.

Sometimes the little things can mean so much to a person - more than you may ever realize.

Nathan and I have a very tight budget, especially as we're preparing for our move. It's scary to have to rely on God to provide on a month-to-month basis....and our incomes are pretty stable at this point. But I've been reminded lately that I need to be sure I'm not so scared for my well-being that I don't give to those around me, both in time and in resources. I know that as I give of myself to those who need a touch of God in their lives, God will provide the emotional, mental, spiritual, physical, and financial strength I need to keep going.

It's in those moments of giving of ourselves that we really connect with God and find ourselves right where God wants us - reflecting His image.

Along this vein, I was downtown with my mom and sisters yesterday and we walked by a man holding a sign that read "FREE HUGS". I didn't take him up on his offer, but I did give him a thumbs up. Then I came across this video, posted on another blog. Go to the Free Hugs Campaign website and read the story behind this movement. This video moved me to tears - if a simple hug can change a person's day, imagine what we as followers of Christ can do to encourage people! We carry a hope that goes beyond the world we see in front of us.

Persecution: Synchroblog

2007-04-12T08:48:00.000-07:00

I didn't put together a post this time around, but a bunch of my fellow Synchrobloggers are posting on Persecution today:

The Promise of Jesus We Ignore- Be the Revolution
Fishing for Trouble - Phil Wyman's Square No More
Mike Bursell - Mike's Musings
Restoring Our View of Humanity - Eternal Echoes
Persecuting the Marginalized - JohnSmulo.com
The Ends Justify the Means - Calacirian
"Persecution" and the bully in the schoolyard - Billy Calderwood
Seeking First Righteousness - Tim Abbott
Could That Be What Jesus Meant? - More Than Stone
Persecution and Martyrdom - Handmaid Leah
"Don't squash the counter-revolutionary/the plank in my own eye" - Jeremiah
The Martyrs of Epinga at Notes from the Underground
Terrorism in Christianity at The Rivera Blog
Persecution or Poor Elocution? "Hello," said Jenelle

Recycle, Reduce, Reuse #2: Baby Steps

2007-04-11T08:32:00.000-07:00

Baby Steps

It can be really overwhelming to realize all the different issues that can be helped by taking action. Boycott this, email/snail mail a CEO in protest over that, stop using this product, start eating that food. I think if I tried to do it all, I'd end up going crazy. So I'm starting with baby steps and I'll keep adding things in as time goes by. So I don't forget things that I come across, however, I've been copying and saving info and links into a Word document so I can look into them in depth later on.

Treehugger Tidbit of the Day:
www.myfootprint.org - This is an interesting site and very enlightening. I took the quiz to see what my "footprint" is and here are my results as I am right now:

HERE ARE YOUR FOOTPRINT RESULTS:

CATEGORY GLOBAL ACRES
FOOD 4.7
MOBILITY 0.2
SHELTER 1.2
GOODS/SERVICES 1.2
TOTAL FOOTPRINT 7

IN COMPARISON, THE AVERAGE ECOLOGICAL FOOTPRINT IN YOUR COUNTRY IS 24 GLOBAL ACRES PER PERSON.

WORLDWIDE, THERE EXISTS 4.5 BIOLOGICALLY PRODUCTIVE GLOBAL ACRES PER PERSON.

IF EVERYONE LIVED LIKE YOU, WE WOULD NEED 1.7 PLANETS.

Scary! And I'm not even that bad compared to most Americans.

I don't know about you, but I have no idea when Jesus is coming back (there's a lot to discuss in that statement alone, but I won't get into that now), and I don't want to leave a worn out Earth for future generations. Some Christians seem to have the attitude that because the Earth is going to be obliterated during Armageddon, we don't really need to worry about environmental issues. I think that's an arrogant way to think and act (and I admit that's been my attitude often, even if it I didn't think it consciously), as well as selfish. Our actions will affect future generations and I don't want to contribute to literally wearing out the earth God gave us.

Getting Down to Business

Here is a list of some things that we or I already do or have just started doing to lower our footprint, be healthier physically/mentally/spiritually, and better stewards in general:

Home:
- Turn off lights every time we leave the room for more than just a few seconds.
- Use natural lighting as often as possible
- Set aside unnecessary items to be sold at a garage sale at a later date
- We only drive one vehicle - a gas-efficient Toyota Camry. While this wasn't necessarily our original choice (we can only afford one car and the good gas mileage was a plus financially),
we really don't need two cars here, or when we move. If I had a choice of a new-to-us car, I'd go for a hybrid like the Toyota Prius.)
- Use cloth napkins (we have 'em, might as well put 'em to use!)
- Re-use paper grocery bags (we use them for trash bags/containers for garage sale items, etc)
- Re-use glass containers
- Started setting aside recycling (while our city picks up commingled recyclables from homes, our apartment complex does not have recycling pickup for some reason - I'm looking into other options, most likely taking our recyclables to the local recycling center ourselves)

Body:
- I use the Diva Cup (and highly recommend it! check out LunaPads.com for other options, too)
- Use a more natural method of birth control (We've used the Fertility Awareness Method since we got married - see www.tcoyf.com)
- Eat more natural, less processed foods

Mind/Spirit:
- Watch less TV/Movies (We don't actually get cable, but I'd gotten hooked on some TV shows that you can watch online. I've limited how much I watch now. We also get Netflix and considered canceling it, but opted to just not use it quite as much as we were.)
- Spend more time doing crafts and other activities.
- Unsubscribe from unnecessary email lists (as they come into my inbox) to limit the bombardment of information

That's all I can think of for the moment...there are a LOT more changes I'm hoping to implement. I'll talk about that in my next post.

Recycle, Reduce, Reuse: A beginning

2007-04-10T11:56:00.000-07:00

♫And close the loooooop!♫ (Sorry, can't help myself!)

A Beginning
I've been re-thinking a lot of things lately. I'll admit it, I've been very lazy and purposefully ignorant about a lot of things simply because I didn't want to put the time and effort into even considering that my pre-conceived notions might be wrong or out-of-date compared to what I *do* know now.

As I learn about different issues, particularly in regards to social justice and the environment, I gain a responsibility to do something with that knowledge. But I haven't. And I want to change that.

Call me crunchy, call me a hippie, but I've been realizing that it is my responsibility to do what I can to minimize my ecological footprint on this earth. Being eco-friendly/green/etc is a matter of being a good steward of what God has given us. I wasn't really taught this growing up, particularly not in the Christian circles I was in. I was taught to be a good steward of money (tithe, save, etc), to take good care of the material things I possessed (don't dent the car, don't throw your toys). But there wasn't the same emphasis on taking care of Creation - which God specifically gave us to take care of.

To be fair, it wasn't completely ignored. My family went on backpacking trips every summer when we were young, and my parents emphasized that we were to leave every place we visited just as it was when we arrived (or better, if some less conscientious backpackers were there before us). We were taught to be respectful of nature and to enjoy it.

But materialism is pervasive in our culture, not to the exclusion of Christian culture (Case in point: how much stuff in Christian bookstores is sold just to make money? I mean, who really needs all that stuff?) I have fallen into that trap MANY MANY times also. All my life I've hoarded things. I still have birthday cards in boxes from grade school. I do not need to keep them. I have so much stuff that I need to sort through, it doesn't all fit in our apartment.

Lately, I've been finding myself in an odd place, both spiritually and mentally. For some reason, I've been captured by the fact that I need to simplify my life in a LOT of different areas and keep only the things that are beneficial, or that I truly love. All the rest I do not need and it just serves to clutter my home, my mind, and my spirit.

Since all these things have come up in my mind and as I've been pondering them, I've realized that there is a definite spiritual affect. I've hit a fairly low place in my spiritual journey, to be completely honest. I've felt very disconnected and haven't really been disciplined or devoted to nurturing my relationship with God. Not all my thoughts and ponderings are completely worked out yet, but I think there has been purpose in all this. After our Easter service Saturday night at Aqueous, I realized that this low point I've been going through is allowing me to start fresh in my walk with God and I have hope that as I point myself back towards Him (cause He's always there, whether I am "in it" or not), I am going to end up with a totally new relationship with Him, and a new identity in Him that is closer to the person He created me to be.

And that person is going to continue to take more personal responsibility for the social and ecological issues that are so rampant in this world. Setting aside all the debate, what does it hurt anyway? There are a lot of practical reasons to pursue simpler living as well (hello moving truck!)

I still have a lot of thoughts on this, particularly getting into specifics, so I will probably make this into a series as I continue to flesh things out.

Inspiration
Some links to blogs I've recently discovered that have been both inspirational and educational.

No Impact Man

Sara - Walk Slowly, Live Wildly
(Check out the pics of her family's small, but well utilized, living space on her blog and here on Flickr)

About my tattoo...

2007-02-27T10:07:00.000-08:00

Phil posted on his blog about a member of The Gathering (the church he pastors in Salem, MA) who got a tattoo and it made me think back to when I got mine (this pic of my tattoo was taken when it was only a few hours old) and the significance of why I got it. To be honest, Phil's comments about tribal identity made me realize a deeper significance to it that I didn't even consciously recognize before.

I was 20 when I got this tattoo (on January 15, 2005) and I had considered it for about a year by the time I actually had it done (I made myself do that to make sure it wasn't a passing fancy). I went through a lot of changes in 2004, particularly in regards to trusting the leading of the Holy Spirit in my life.

1) At the very beginning of the year, I flew to Denver, Colorado for a conference...and I only knew one person there (a leap of faith right there!). But it was an immensely rewarding experience and God really spoke to me about the year ahead. I relinquished control over my love-life and made an agreement with God that I would not seek out or put any effort (including emotional) into finding a man. If God brought someone into my life, I'd be open to it, but I wasn't going to put so much emotional energy into it like I tended to.

Oddly enough, a few weeks later, I had the distinct impression that I was going to meet the man I would marry that year (it ended up being true!)

2) I got up the nerve to quit working for my dad (which had some nasty consequences, unfortunately) and go back to school as a music major. This was a huge step and broke some unhealthy ties between my father and me. I did end up going back to work for him (and have since), but our relationship has been much better since that time.

3) I'm also glad I took that step (a step that was taken after much prayer, fasting, and wisdom-seeking) because I met my husband in the musicianship and music theory classes we both took. We became very good friends over the Fall semester and while I denied it at the time (at least from my end of things), we fell head-over-heels for each other.

4) I also realized the power of prayer and fasting in a deeper way. I was constantly praying for Nathan because he didn't yet acknowledge Jesus as the Lord over his life. He began to recognize him more, especially through our discussions, but he didn't follow him with his life yet.

5) During this whole time, I was growing incredibly close to Jesus. Probably the closest I've ever been (yes, I'll admit, even compared to now), and I grew exponentially in my faith. I used to rely so much on the words of other people, but I learned to listen to His voice, to trust both His word, and my spiritual ears. I didn't take it for granted, though. I earnestly sought after Him because I didn't want to "hear" God only to have it turn out to be my own voice.

A large part of my life was the community of believers I was a part of at Aqueous and the Charismatic branch of Christianity that we are a part of. The leading of the Holy Spirit (always evaluated through the lens of Scripture) and the spiritual gifts that have been given to followers of Jesus are a significant part of our expression of faith. And that had become something very important to me.

So, this leads me to the significance of the different aspects of the image I had designed. The dove obviously represents the Holy Spirit. Most often Holy Spirit doves are depicted with fire. But I chose a depiction of wind because the Greek words (like pneuma) that translate to "Spirit" often have a connotation of or would directly translate to "wind" or "breath". I've always identified with that more than the "tongues of fire" imagery for whatever reason. It's a strength you cannot see (after all, you can't see the winds of tornadoes, but they sure are powerful!).

Lastly, the dove is angled down and positioned on my upper back as a sign of anointing. I want my life to be one that is led by God and by His Spirit. So I chose to permanently depict that on my physical body as a sign of what has occurred in my spiritual life.

Overwhelmed

2007-01-29T10:28:00.000-08:00

Psalm 57

Have mercy on me, O God, have mercy!
I look to you for protection.
I will hide beneath the shadow of your wings
until the danger passes by.
I cry out to God Most High,
to God who will fulfill his purpose for me.
He will send help from heaven to rescue me,
disgracing those who hound me.
Interlude

My God will send forth his unfailing love and faithfulness.

I am surrounded by fierce lions
who greedily devour human prey—
whose teeth pierce like spears and arrows,
and whose tongues cut like swords.

Be exalted, O God, above the highest heavens!
May your glory shine over all the earth.

My enemies have set a trap for me.
I am weary from distress.
They have dug a deep pit in my path,
but they themselves have fallen into it.
Interlude

My heart is confident in you, O God;
my heart is confident.
No wonder I can sing your praises!
Wake up, my heart!
Wake up, O lyre and harp!
I will wake the dawn with my song.
I will thank you, Lord, among all the people.
I will sing your praises among the nations.
For your unfailing love is as high as the heavens.
Your faithfulness reaches to the clouds.

Be exalted, O God, above the highest heavens.
May your glory shine over all the earth.

Wow, this decision to go to school full-time in the Fall (well, for both of us to go) has proven to be quite challenging. A lot of hurdles have popped up and it's gotten a tad overwhelming due to the urgent nature of it all, at least for the next few weeks. This Psalm has spoken to me so many times over the course of my life that it's become my favorite, especially with the references to music (for obvious reasons!). I was feeling particularly overwhelmed when I went home for lunch and I felt drawn to read this out loud. I couldn't help but cry as I read it.

The desire of my heart is to use music to bring glory to God. If someone realizes the depth of God's love for them more deeply because of my music, that is all I can hope for. I know that God has gifted me in this area for a purpose and it has been so frustrating to feel like the dreams that God's put on my heart get pushed further away from my reach.

Before, when challenges on the educational front came up, I fought it as much as I could, but eventually have to give up, at least temporarily. But now I'm in a position in life where I have more freedom than I've had before to pursue my educational dreams, and to have hurdles come up again is so frustrating. I am both weary of the fight and even more determined to fight for what I believe God is leading me to. Granted, I know that God could again have other plans for me and for Nathan, but I'm gonna keep fighting in the direction God's given us unless it becomes obvious that God has other plans.

If you think of it, please pray for us. Nathan's school shouldn't be an issue, but I will have to get an exception from the Director of the Music Dept in order to be able to transfer to the school I hope to eventually get my degree from (San Francisco State University). God's already given me someone "on my side" in Dr. Josh Habermann (Choir Director and Advisor for voice students - who is friends with my choir director here at SBCC, Nathan Kreitzer) who has taken up my cause on the recommendation of Prof Kreitzer. I also have very good grades on my side (Thank you Jesus!)

However, I have to give a strong audition (vocal performance), as well as take placement tests for musicianship and theory, and piano. Normally, placement tests would be just that. But since I'm trying to get an exception, my test scores will have some bearing in the decision.

I have been out of practice in all these areas for a year and I only have THREE WEEKS to prepare! I'm also hoping to get a scholarship, which will also be determined by my audition. Be praying for me on February 22nd in particular (the day of the tests and audition). I'm gonna need it!

Thankfully, the faculty at SBCC are incredibly helpful and I should be able to get all the help I need through them. There are just so many details, especially with applying for financial aid. And I'm trying to get used to being in school while working fulltime on top of making sure I have time for my husband.

It'll be a miracle in and of itself if I don't have a mental breakdown in the next few weeks.

Jumping off the cliff

2007-01-22T11:23:00.000-08:00

Aaaaaahhhhh!

I am both excited and a little nervous about it, but we've decided to take the leap and move up to San Francisco (probably in August) and both pursue school fulltime. We took all day Saturday to talk, reconnect, and discuss the future. It was time well-spent and I think we both realized that this is the path we need to take, whether it may lead.

We both feel a lot of peace about living in the SF area, and in our choice of schools, etc. Nathan will be going to Ex'pression College for Digital Arts and I'm hoping to be able to get into San Francisco State (I'm still not 100% decided - and I'm not even totally sure I CAN transfer there yet - since I've got a little researching to do).

Nathan mentioned it to a trusted friend of his at church and his friend said that SF would be the best place for us to go. It was an awesome confirmation after a day of seeking and discussing.

In practical terms, I'm behind the curve in terms of applying to schools, which limits my opportunities for Fall, but even if I have to go to another Community College up there for a semester before transferring to a 4-year, I'll do it.

In terms of seeking financial aid, scholarships, loans, etc, IT'S ON! There's a lot to get put together in a relatively short amount of time, but it's all in God's hands. I'm trusting Him to work things out and I'm trying (somewhat successfully) to not run around like a chicken with my head chopped off.

It's crazy to think we'll be moving 6-7 months from now. And if I do go to SFSU, I could end up starting school the day after our first anniversary.

Taking a Risk

2007-01-19T11:32:00.000-08:00

Over the past few days I've been feeling a lot of different things... Dread.... Fear... Excitement ... Restlessness.

It may not seem like a huge change is happening in my life, but I'm going back to school (for the umpteenth time) next week and it's brought up a bunch of different things to consider. One of my friends told me that I'm making things too complicated. Perhaps I am, or perhaps in my life it truly is a complicated matter. I don't want to end up on the wrong path and have my actions affect both my life and the life of my husband.

Anyway, now is the time of year to apply for Financial Aid (FAFSA, CalGrant, Scholarships, Loans, etc, etc) and I've never been able to really do that since I wasn't considered "independent" enough and my parents weren't willing to give their financial information so I could properly fill out applications.

So I'm finding myself having to answer questions as to whether I will be in school Fulltime or Parttime in the 2007-2008 school year. How the heck do I know? Since we got engaged nearly a year and a half ago, our plans have changed fairly significantly. Between now and the Fall, things could change again, depending on what God's got in store for us. What should I be working towards?

Nathan and I are going to have a chat this weekend and take some time to really pray and discuss where we want to go. I don't want to be 30 by the time I get my degree unless that's part of God's plan somehow (please no!!).

And so here we are at a point of deciding whether to take a risk and both go back to school fulltime, at the same time, and trust God to provide the financial means to do this, or does God have something else in store for us? If God wants us to go on this adventure with Him, are we willing to truly seek His voice and take the plunge?

It's a scary thought, and to work towards it will require both work (saving money, applying for financial aid) and risk (moving to an unknown area, trusting in God to provide finances and part-time jobs), but at the same time it's exhilarating to think about what God may have in store for us if we run after His plans and purpose for our newly minted marriage.

Yikes!!!!

Tagged! 5 things you may not know about me...

2007-01-18T10:33:00.000-08:00

Ryan tagged me over on my other blog, but I thought I'd post it here too for those of you who may read one and not the other :)

1. I went to a Catholic school K-4th grade, then was homeschooled after that.

2. When I was a baby, I gave my parents a cancer scare (turns out one of my kidneys has a cyst and doesn't function, but it wasn't a problem and doesn't affect me other than not being able to play contact sports and stuff like that)

3. I started Civil War Re-Enacting when I was 13 and got my family into it (we spent my 14th Birthday at a Re-enactment in Fresno!). I wore a corset, hoopskirt, the whole deal. And I would totally do it again if I had the time and means (and if I could convince Nathan to join me! HA!!!)

4. I "wrote" and recorded my first song when I was about the same age. The lyrics were:
Goldilocks and the Three Bears (repeat indefinitely)

5. I locked my sister Veronica outside on the deck when she was a baby (I would have been 2 or 3). After my mom rescued her before she could fall, she told me Veronica could have died. My loving big-sister response: "That's ok, we can just get another one".

Edit: Oh yeah, I'm supposed to tag other people. I don't think there are 5 people who read this blog who haven't already been tagged, so I'm not gonna pass it on. If you want to do it though, go ahead! Consider yourself tagged!

Grace in War

2007-01-09T20:35:00.000-08:00

Today is SynchroBlog day! There's going to be a lot of discussion (here and elsewhere) on the subject of Spiritual Warfare.

I've fairly recently discussed the topic already from a personal point of view and I didn't want to simply re-hash those thoughts. As I was thinking about Spiritual Warfare and how the term is used, abused, and thrown about, I got to thinking about what really matters in all this. The name I chose for my blog kept popping into my brain as I was pondering and so I decided on the subject of Grace and how it relates to spiritual warfare and what our attitudes should be in regards to it.

Definitions:

Here are a few of Dictionary.com's descriptions of the word Grace that relate:

grace /greɪs/
–noun
3. favor or good will.
4. a manifestation of favor, esp. by a superior.
5. mercy; clemency; pardon: an act of grace.
8. Theology.
a. the freely given, unmerited favor and love of God.
b. the influence or spirit of God operating in humans to regenerate or strengthen them.
c. a virtue or excellence of divine origin: the Christian graces.
d. Also called state of grace. the condition of being in God's favor or one of the elect.
9. moral strength: the grace to perform a duty.

The following passage is from Ephesians 6 and is the word picture that prompted the use of "warfare".

10 A final word: Be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. 11 Put on all of God’s armor so that you will be able to stand firm against all strategies of the devil. 12 For we are not fighting against flesh-and-blood enemies, but against evil rulers and authorities of the unseen world, against mighty powers in this dark world, and against evil spirits in the heavenly places.

13 Therefore, put on every piece of God’s armor so you will be able to resist the enemy in the time of evil. Then after the battle you will still be standing firm. 14 Stand your ground, putting on the belt of truth and the body armor of God’s righteousness. 15 For shoes, put on the peace that comes from the Good News so that you will be fully prepared. 16 In addition to all of these, hold up the shield of faith to stop the fiery arrows of the devil. 17 Put on salvation as your helmet, and take the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God.

18 Pray in the Spirit at all times and on every occasion. Stay alert and be persistent in your prayers for all believers everywhere.

Ephesians 6:10-18

"Spiritual Warfare"

Call it what you will, Spiritual Warfare is a very real thing. Most of the time it doesn't feel very war-like though. We're not perpetually caught up in heated battles, duking it out with demons and evil presences. There are times when you may come face to face with evil, either in your own life, or in the lives of those around you, but for the most part, it's not a very "sensational" thing in American life.

As Christians, we are constantly fighting for the Kingdom of God, but what I find I'm fighting most often is myself. I struggle between what I know I should do and what my flesh and sinful desires would have me do. My first priority as follower of Jesus is to be with Him, learn from Him, and communicate who He is with others, be it through actions or words.

Christians are called to be where He is, to enter into what He is already doing in us and the world around us. We are given blessing that we don't deserve because of the grace of God. We are given the Spirit of God to lead us and speak for us when we don't have the words. We become heirs to the Kingdom of God and are given the spiritual authority to fight "against evil rulers and authorities of the unseen world, against mighty powers in this dark world, and against evil spirits in the heavenly places." in the powerful name of Jesus.

The Dangers and the Benefits

It can be too easy to swing to the extremes when it comes to attitudes about spiritual warfare. One extreme is to basically ignore that it happens. The second is to emphasize it so much that it negates the power of God. We need to recognize that it exists so we can constantly be on alert for how we might fall prey to our own human, sinful tendencies, so we can rely on God to give us the strength to win over through His Spirit.

I have found that spiritual warfare within my own life has been a source of growth, knowledge through experience, and healing in my journey towards understanding God and becoming closer to Him and closer to who he created me to be. He has constantly continued to show His power over evil things I let into my life and became so entrenched that I didn't think I'd ever be free of them. He continually restores me closer towards His original intention of who He created me to be. He has given me knowledge through experience that has helped me walk beside people in my life through similar experiences and be a part of bringing them closer to Jesus.

Through the work of God in our own lives, through the internal wars that go on throughout our lives, God shapes us. He sharpens us, and softens us. He enables us to be a part of his plan in the lives of others as they journey closer to Him.

Grace Towards Others

Throughout it all, the important thing to remember is that just as God has given us all this through His grace and love, so we need to treat others with the same grace and love. We are not fighting against other people, regardless of whether they are followers of Jesus or not. It's easy to judge and put someone in a box when they lean towards an extreme attitude towards spiritual warfare, have differing beliefs, or speak incorrectly about spiritual warfare.

Our priority should be to pray for them, treat them with the same grace God's given us (after all, we could be the ones who are wrong!) and depending on the relationship with the person, challenge them about their attitudes in a spirit of love.

Pray in the Spirit at all times and on every occasion. Stay alert and be persistent in your prayers for all believers everywhere.

Stand firm against evil, but be filled with love and grace, let those guide your actions. Consistently be in prayer for fellow believers as we fight for the same causes, no matter how different our strategies may be.

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Others in the Discussion

Here's a list of the other SynchroBloggers participating on the discussion of Spiritual Warfare - I'm excited to see what other thoughts come out of this discussion...

Phil Wyman - Pagans, Witches, and Spiritual Warfare
John Smulo - Portraits of Spiritual Warfare
Mike Crockett - Sufism: How the Inner Jihad relates to Christian Spiritual Warfare
Steve Hayes - Thoughts on Spiritual Warfare
Marieke Schwartz - Grace in War
Cindy Harvey - Spiritual Warfare. (?)
Jenelle D'Allesandro - The Militancy of Worship
Mike Bursell - Spiritual Warfare: a liberal looking inwards
David Fisher - Spiritual Warfare: Does it have to be loud and wacky?
Brian Heasley - Something from Ibiza via Ireland
Webb Kline - Webb Kline
Sally Coleman - Sally Coleman
Mike Murrow - Mike Murrow

Sychronized Blogging

2007-01-05T10:02:00.000-08:00

I'm participating in a "Synchronized Blogging" event next Wednesday, when a group of bloggers are going to post their thoughts on Spiritual Warfare. I'm oddly excited as some of the people participating are pastors and spiritual leaders I respect. I feel like I am reaching some new level of blogging or something, ha!

Anyway, my theme is going to be on grace and how it relates to spiritual warfare. I don't really know quite where I'm going with that yet, but the thought has been stuck in my head, so I'm going with it!

I'm gonna be doing a lot of thinking, praying, and studying my Bible this weekend (which is something I was planning on doing anyway...I just have a little extra impetus)....

Changes and a Restless Spirit

2007-01-04T13:32:00.000-08:00

Changes:

2006 was a year of big changes, most notably, my marriage to Nathan.

There were a lot of associated changes and events that came along with it:

- Planning a wedding and all the spiritual and emotional stuff that goes along with preparing for marriage
- Moving into the 425 square foot apartment that Nathan and I now share from a spacious house I shared with 4 other girls.
- Sleeping next to another person
- Experiencing the spiritual changes that happen when you vow yourself to another person for life....there is no way I could describe it, since I don't totally understand it
- Joining finances and learning how to manage them with another person (whew!)
- Developing a different relationship with my parents and family and same with my husband and his family (we're both the first children to marry from our respective families)

One touchy subject for me lately is this:

- My friendships have changed.

I don't know if it's marriage that has changed things, or if there's something else, but it seems as though my relationships have morphed over the last year.

I've never tended towards having tons of friends. I usually have just one or two close female friends. I'm a pretty friendly person (I think) and have many people that I would consider friends, but I like having just one or two that I really make an effort to get together with and talk to about the deeper things of life.

At this point, I don't feel like I have any female friends I can easily talk to at a deeper level. I had that in the not too distant past, but it seems as though changing seasons have pulled me apart from those relationships. I can see how they gradually shifted through my engagement and into my marriage. Honestly, it's painful. But for some reason, it seems to happen over and over again in my life. I'll have one close friend during a particular season of my life and then we'll drift apart and eventually another friend comes into the pictures and so on. I know there is a natural ebb and flow to friendships, but it seems like very few of them actually stay in my life over the long haul. I'll end up trying to stay connected, but eventually give up after repeated attempts. This time, I am fighting harder to keep one friendship in particular, so we'll see how that plays out.

But, on the plus side, I did something unlike myself and joined a Knit Group that meets weekly, even though I didn't know a single person prior to joining. It's helped me get back into a hobby I enjoy (crocheting and now knitting) as well as introduced me to some women who are quickly becoming dear friends. Knit Group has become a precious thing to me and I hate missing it (which I only do when absolutely necessary!). I love the connection I have with other women, especially women who understand my passion for creating things.

Creativity and Community:

Another thing I've noticed about myself is how much I need community to fuel my creativity. I love music and creating it is a passion of mine, but I feel as though the fueling lines have been blocked. I realized that when I was at my peak musically, I was in the company of fellow musicians on a daily basis who encouraged me and vice versa. I was surrounded by music and creativity and others who shared that passion. So, despite the hecticness of my life, the lack of sleep, and the heightened stress-level, my passion was fueled and I was creating music, pushing myself to dig deeper. Since then, I've tried to fuel that passion on my own and it hasn't been very successful. Sadly, my music has fallen to the wayside and I wish I knew what to do to fix that.

On the flip side, during the height of my musical creativity, most of my other creative passions took a backseat. Now, it's through fiber arts that I am letting my creativity shine, and that probably wouldn't be happening if it weren't for the fact that I have a community of other women that I'm connected with who share that passion and cheer each other on.

Restlessness

There is a restlessness in my spirit that goes along with all these things. I can sense the music within me that wants an outlet...that is simmering below the surface of my soul ready to emerge when the time is right and the lines are unblocked.

This same restlessness keeps me from becoming too complacent in my relationship with God. Whenever God's wanting to do some work in me, the restlessness grows until I can't deny it. I get melancholy and crave time alone, time to think, time to spill out my spirit onto paper in the quietness of the presence of God and say "See this paper? These are the things on my heart...reveal to me what you want me to see. What changes do you want to make in my heart, in my life?"

I am glad for it because it keeps me from becoming too self-reliant. It reminds me that it is only in Jesus that I find true peace, direction, and security.

The future

2007 is going to bring many changes as well...possibly some big ones. I sense that melancholy restlessness as I prepare for going back to school to pursue my dream (currently one class at a time).

It's time to get out the Bible and journal and find some quiet space to reflect, pour out my heart to God, and wait on Him.

Living "offensively"

2006-12-29T15:18:00.000-08:00

Offensive meaning "proactive", that is.

My husband, Nathan, and I were talking as we walked to lunch today and I shared with him how I feel like a lot of things in life have changed since we got married, not all directly related to marriage.

Lately I've been frustrated in the area of friends. I'm having to take the offensive and be the one to pursue my relationships outside my marriage (although that one also takes work, especially being only 4 months old). The thing is, I feel like I'm the only one making the effort to take the initiative. Whether it's my close friend that I don't see anymore unless we make specific plans, or the new friends I'm making through my knit group and other places. Honestly the lack of effort on my friends' sides at times makes me feel like I'm not important to them. And taking the initiative isn't always easy for me, which means that I end up not spending the time with my dear friends that I wish I did.

I could easily live "defensively" and end up a hermit, only spending time with my husband and probably driving him nutso. Perhaps if I waited long enough, someone would decide to actually call me up. It can also be tiring and discouraging, but in the end, when I'm connecting with that friend who's been with me through this and that, it's all worth it.

But I crave community and I crave the encouragement of others, especially other believers. It's the way God designed us. We are to sharpen iron on iron and that's what Church is about whether that's your normal church service, or two friends coming together in Christ to encourage, exhort and lift each other up.

On a spiritual level, the Bible is constantly using "offensive" terminology, and perhaps that's where the term "warfare" comes from, especially considering the continuous warring that went on in the Old Testament and throughout Israel's history. The wars and battles fought were both spiritual and literal. I think that we like to be able to label things, so we put the label of "warfare" on the spiritual battle that goes on in our lives. I know I feel a warring going on between my soul and my fleshly desires. And it's too easy to name off the demons "Greed, Lust, Self-righteousness, Pride, Anger". And it certainly feels like demonic oppression.

...and on this rock I will build my church, and the gates of Hades will not overcome it. Matt 16:18

The gates don't move. The church does. WE are on the offensive and the "powers of Hell" (as another translation puts it), are on the defensive. But that doesn't mean that we are knocking down people along the way. We are to overcome evil with GOOD. The greatest of these is LOVE. I think that's where a lot of us get confused (particularly in Charismatic circles). We become so impassioned, that we forget that Jesus' focus was on healing, restoration, touching the untouchables, recognizing people's needs and meeting them where they are at. He didn't sit back and just let people travel to him from wherever they were (although that did happen as well), he traveled to the people...he went to their homes and ate with them, healed them, and restored them.

We aren't better than people who don't know Jesus like we do. We aren't above them, or in some Holy club, we are simply followers of a God who has touched us and we are called to share His touch with those around us. He's given us His spirit so that we have authority and power over evil, but he calls us to love our neighbors above all else.

What do you struggle with when it comes to contemporary understandings of spiritual warfare?
What should spiritual warfare look like in everyday life?

I struggle with recognizing that I am CALLED to be on the offensive, to be proactive, in how I live my life. To GO. I can't just float along on the barge to heaven. But I'm not called to be on a "battleship" either. Rather, I'd like to think of it more like a mercy ship. Wherever I am, I should be reflecting the love of Christ to those around me. I need to See the people around me as Jesus sees them. I need to Touch them as He would touch them. I need to Meet them where they are and give of what Jesus has given to me.....I need to LOVE them.

So in the day to day, I think the number one thing is to be connecting with God...to See Him, to Touch Him, and to let Him meet our needs, to fill us with Himself. Without His love and life in us, we can't do it. I know I can't. We need him to open our eyes, our ears and our hearts to what's going on in our lives and the lives of those around us.

I do think that there may be times (moments or even longer periods of time) when the spiritual is more present in my awareness and there is a strong sense of very real, very demonic activity, but in the day to day it's not that sensational.

"Spiritual Warfare"?!?

2006-12-29T11:07:00.000-08:00

This thing commonly referred to as "Spiritual Warfare" has been coming up quite a bit lately in some blogs I've been reading (Phil Wyman and John Smulo in particular).

Honestly, it's messing with my head. In a good way. At the moment, I somehow feel the desire to cry after reading Smulo's latest entry on the topic, which I don't understand at all. He asks the questions:

What do you struggle with when it comes to contemporary understandings of spiritual warfare?
What should spiritual warfare look like in everyday life?

Honestly, I have no clue at the moment. I could wax on about something or another and make it sound coherent and logical, but I don't feel that would do myself or anyone else justice. So instead, this post is simply a spilling out of what's in my head and heart...all to be taken with a grain of salt.

Perhaps I'm feeling emotional about it because if certain parts of my current understanding of spiritual warfare (and I agree that we need another term for that, John) aren't "real" then it casts a completely different light on some of the experiences I've had and I have to re-think and re-process them with a different spiritual understanding of what happened at those points in my life. Not to say that God didn't do anything, but the question would be, what did He actually do? Was some of it simply in my head?

Silence

2006-11-17T11:55:00.000-08:00

Louann Mims was forced into a kind of stillness that few can imagine. But stillness is something we all need more of. As Mother Teresa wrote, "We need to find God, and he cannot be found in noise and restlessness. God is the friend of silence. See how nature — trees, flowers, grass — grow in silence; see the stars, the moon and the sun, how they move in silence ... we need silence to be able to touch souls."

As we struggle to find our way through situations that make us feel helpless, we need to take time to rest in God. Those silent moments can become a source of strength and clarity. As it says in Isaiah 30:15, "In returning and rest you shall be saved; in quietness and confidence shall be your strength." Surviving Desperation by Jenny Shroedel

Wednesday night I went to the House of Blues in Anaheim with Nathan for the Hotel Cafe Tour (see my review of the show here). Rachael Yamagata was playing a song and had the audience singing along. She got to a point in the song where she paused, and there was silence. An audience member started singing the next line and she stopped them saying "that was a dramatic pause" and launched into an amusing explanation of the dramatic pause while playing the piano.

Music has been on my mind a lot lately as well as how Music, that huge part of myself, relates to God and my relationship with Him.

The above quote made me think of that moment between Rachael and the audience and how silence has it's own purpose, even with music, which we mostly think of in terms of sound, not silence.

Silence is a reprieve.

It is a moment to take in what you've just hear. To anticipate what's to come. To simply sit back and enjoy the eye of the storm.

Sometimes there is silence before the drop that fills your soul with excitement.

There is silence that reverberates with the harshness of what has passed, allowing your senses to recuperate.

Other times there is silence filled with suspense...in eager anticipation of that final resolution of a chord, the echoes of a music suspended in the conscious.

Yet it all has purpose. Silence is not a void, so much as it is a space. A space to grieve, to heal, to wait, to anticipate. Sometimes you rest, sometimes you are frustrated waiting for what's to come. It is not always restful if you're waiting for that resolution.

How does this realization apply to my life now?

I feel in some ways my soul, my musical soul, has been in a period of silence, even with a cacophony of sound happening in the outside parts of my life.

The music within me is swirling, unknown, untouched, waiting for the right moment of silence and openness to reveal itself.

I get frustrated. Sometimes it's because of the outer sounds of life that crowd out the silence that I desperately need. Other times it's because I am not letting myself be still and try to create noise that shouldn't be there.

When I am quiet, when I allow the silence to come over me. That is when I often hear the deep, gut-wrenching cry of my soul to touch the Creator and to create something that honors, praises, and adores Him.

Voodoo Practitioner tries to Jinx Bush

2006-11-16T14:17:00.000-08:00

BOGOR, Indonesia - A renowned black magic practitioner performed a voodoo ritual Thursday to jinx President George W. Bush and his entourage while he was on a brief visit to Indonesia.

Ki Gendeng Pamungkas slit the throat of a goat, a small snake and stabbed a black crow in the chest, stirred their blood with spice and broccoli before drank the "potion" and smeared some on his face.

"I don't hate Americans, but I don't like Bush," said Pamungkas, who believed the ritual would succeed as, "the devil is with me today."

He said the jinx would sent spirits to posses Secret Service personnel guarding Bush and left them in a trance, leading them into falsely thinking the President was under attack, thus eventually causing chaos in Bogor Presidential Palace, where the American leader was scheduled to meet President Susilo Bambang Yudhoyono on Monday.

Indonesia the world's most populous Muslim country, however many still practicing animist rituals, including black magic, that predate Islam's arrival in the archipelago.

"I am doing voodoo, because other ritual would not work," he told reporters after he conducted the gory ritual about 1 kilometers from the palace.

This gave me the chills! Regardless of what you think of Bush, it's sobering to realize the spiritual warfare leaders endure. Who knows how many things like this happen to our President, to other political leaders, and especially spiritual leaders?

Definitely a reminder to be praying for our leaders on all levels.

In response: "To Whom Can the Pastor Confess?"

2006-11-08T17:07:00.000-08:00

Rather than take up a ton of comment space, I've decided to repond here (I'm too long-winded!!)

The numbered questions/notes are PB's and the responses are mine...his original post is linked above.

1. Do we subtly want our leaders to be inhuman?

I think that many do. My guess is that the root is that people want a connection with God and end up placing a pastor in an idolatrous position, rather than seeing them for who they are: humans who make mistakes and are on this journey with us. What they really need is JESUS in that place of leadership in their lives, rather than relying on the leader to facilitate their relationship with God (directly or indirectly) to the point that they

I touched on this in my own blog today, but I personally feel *closer* to leadership that ARE human. I feel like I can relate more and in a sense trust that leader more because I know they’ve gone through the things I go through in my attempts to get closer to God and learn more about who he is and what that means in my life and my actions.

On a personal and specific level, I love that you pastor in a way that you are honest about your searching, your doubts, your failing and weaknesses (obviously not telling us everything…some things should only be for close, trusted mentors and friends). I think that makes a stronger spiritual leader, because you are allowing God to be glorified, rather than yourself. Plus, I appreciate knowing how I can pray for you more effectively.

I think showing honesty, brokenness, and a lack of knowledge as a spiritual leader (thereby allowing God to work through it) is one of those things that can only make sense in the Kingdom of God, because the world will think us foolish. Somehow, I am drawn to leaders who confess, even on a “small” level of their failings because I know they are being genuine.

2. Should the pastor confess to others in the local faith community?

I think the answer to this lies in what kind of relationships are fostered within that community. I think that pastors may be surprised at how people will support them in their struggles. But it depends on the person with whom they foster that relationship.

There may be issues that come up specifically within leadership that only other leaders will fully understand, just as there are issues within every person’s life that only someone else who’s walked in those shoes can understand (a few that come to mind are marriage, parenthood, death of a loved one, gender differences, age, different work experiences), though someone who hasn’t may be able to empathize.

No matter what our own personal and differing experiences may be, anyone can pray for another person! And that is the most powerful thing, because it allows God to do the work.

3. The myth of “up the ladder” confession.

I totally know what you mean, even without specifically being in leadership. I think there is a built in fear of being truly vulnerable (and confession is definitely that!) to someone in a position “above” you, not to mention the complexity of different relationship “hats” like you mentioned. I can understand to a degree, as someone in a relationship that takes on two different expressions (work and family) and how the mixture can create tension in either or both expressions because of that blurring of lines.

4. Pastors without peers.

The buddy-buddy thing so many church communities have has never failed to bug the hell out of me. I always get excited to see pastors of different communities come together to share life and share the unique challenges and joys you share…and especially to pray for one another and the Church as a whole. A separated church was not God’s intention, and I don’t see isolated pastors as being part of his intention either. I’m glad you take time to foster relationship with other young leaders in our community in a joint effort.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

On a personal note, my prayer for you and other leaders is that you’d find true fellowship and friendship and that would pave the way in creating real relationships and fostering honesty and that God would pour out grace upon you in this area. I think you have paved the way already…certainly much more than I’ve ever seen in any other leader that I’ve known.

I think the first steps in that are to encourage that within the community you lead, and because Aqueous is so community-based, I think that there is much more of a “friendly” environment in terms of confessing and receiving grace, no matter if you’re a leader or not.

~Marieke

Why do I care about Ted Haggard?

2006-11-08T11:48:00.000-08:00

Ted Haggard's Statement to New Life Church

A Letter by Jack Hayford Regarding Ted Haggard & NAE Statement Release (Blogged by Billy Calderwood)

Billy's blogpost regarding Haggard & Comments

(I listed the links above instead of embedding them because they (and the news websites like CNN and MSNBC) are where I've gotten my information and are worth reading.)

I just posted my most recent comment on Pastor Billy's Blog (the third link) and it got me thinking...

Why do I care about the Ted Haggard situation?

I don't have any personal connection to him, to his church, and I don't think I've read any of his books. I don't even know that I would have recognized his name immediately as a Christian leader until recently (though I have heard his name before). Yet for some reason, I'm finding myself drawn into dialogue in various places and pondering his situation.

Growing up in the culture of modern Evangelicalism, specifically pretty conservative and "traditional" expressions, but now having a bit more of a post-modern, emergent church outlook, I have been on two sides of the coin, so to speak, when it comes to issues of leadership, sin, and the collision of both.

I remember the outrage that ensued after Amy Grant got divorced and then remarried not too long after. Christian radio stations stopped playing her music, people pointed fingers and condemned her without knowing the full story. I'll admit, a part of myself condemned her (there was no admittance of abuse or adultery or unfaithfulness- situations where divorce is Biblically allowed to my understanding - that I can recall), but I also started to question how people who don't know her personally could possibly cast judgement when each of us deals with our own sin issues and personal failings.

Then later on, through my own personal journey, my understanding of grace increased as I came to know God's grace more fully in my own life. I realized that there truly are complexities in so many modern-day situation that aren't explicitly addressed in the Bible. It forces us to dig deeper and look at the root values God gives us...the issues that truly matter, beyond a list of "Do's and Don'ts".

What of women who are abused or abandoned, both physically and emotionally? Again, there's no physical act of adultery, yet is that not unfaithfulness? Who in their right mind would tell a woman who is being emotionally or physically battered by her husband to stay with him because to divorce would be a sin?

Then there is the issue of Church Leaders.

Pastor Billy (PB) cited Scot McKnight's comments on the issue of Ted Haggard and the lack of openness about sin issues in evangelicalism:

But, what I find here is what I want to call the evangelical environment. In evangelicalism, and the charismatic stream in which Ted Haggard swims, sin is bad and sin by leaders is real bad. This leads to a complex of features that creates a serious problem:

1. Christians, and not just pastors, do not feel free to disclose sins to anyone;
2. Christians, including pastors, sin and sin all the time;
3. Christians, including pastors, in evangelicalism do not have a mechanism of confession;
4. Christians and pastors, because of the environment of condemnation of sin and the absence of a mechanism of confession, bottle up their sins, hide their sins, and create around themselves an apparent purity and a reality of unconfessed/unadmitted sin.
5. When Christians do confess, and it is often only after getting caught, they are eaten alive by fellow evangelicals — thus leading some to deeper levels of secrecy and deceit.

What we saw with Haggard is not just about leaders; it is about all of us.

Thus, a proposal, and I can only suggest it and hope that some evangelical leaders will catch the same vision — some at the national and international leadership level: evangelicals need to work hard at creating an environment of honesty. It is dishonest to the human condition to pretend that Christians don’t sin; but as long as we are afraid to confess to one another we will continue to create an unrealistic and hypocritical environment.

This "environment of honesty" is an idea that has always been something on my heart, even if it's lain dormant for periods at a time.

I've always put the most trust in leaders who were willing to admit to their failings, past or present. Whenever I heard a pastor mention some example of a failing in his own life as an object lesson, I tended to listen up more. Those moments of vulnerability were the catalyst for trust, ironically.

If a leader can be open about their failings, they seem more human and there is less of this "you are great, I am not" barrier that prevents the layperson from hiding their own sin to "impress" others with their strong faith.

It takes more strength to admit to mistakes and lay it out there for others to help you gain the spiritual strength to continue tackling the sins that persist, than to simply hide it all from prying eyes...which then compounds the problem by letting it grow in darkness.

McKnight further states:

To do this, we need to begin at the local church level of learning to utter honesty with one another, to confess sins, privately as much as possible, to mentors who are spiritually sensitive. I believe if confession becomes a safe environment — and exposure of what is confessed in private must be treated as a serious offense — that an entirely new environment can be created in which time will bring out the sins of Christians in such a way that it is both recognized and simultaneously dealt with responsibly so that ongoing growth and periodic healing and restoration can take place.

This is SO HUGE. It is not just "leaders" who need to make changes, but ALL of us...because each one of us who claim to follow Christ as the Lord of our lives have a responsibility to reflect Him. We are ALL called to a higher standard by the God who has called us to Him.

Rather than pointing the finger at others, we need to check out the fingers pointing right back at us and search ourselves. We need to pursue honesty and grace within that. We need to seek out mentors and those we ourselves can mentor and create that safe environment of honesty one person at a time.

The times of greatest healing in my life have been when I've faced the demons and sins in my own life and I've called them out for what they were to people that I trusted. In those times, I knew that what I said and experienced wouldn't be spread beyond the eyes and ears in that room.

I care because Haggard is a fellow Christian who has fallen like all of us do and needs our grace and mercy.

I care because he is hurting, his family is hurting, and a great many others are hurting and they need God's healing touch.

I care because I want to see God glorified through Haggard's weakness.

I care because Christians' reactions (grace or condemnation) will affect how others view our faith.

Most of all, we should all care because Jesus cares enough about each one of us that he died for EACH ONE of our sins. Not one of us is spotless, nor are we in any position to judge another just because our sins are more "acceptable".

Music & God - Creativity & God

2006-10-09T14:55:00.000-07:00

Over the last year in particular, I've been grappling with what exactly I should be doing with this gift of music that God's given me. I've dabbled in songwriting, but lately its been a frustrating effort for me as I am not involved in a community of music like I was when I wrote my best songs (as a music major at City College). Being involved in that community was what fed my creative spirit and it's harder to motivate yourself when not in that type of environment.

Anyway, I've also been on a path of discovering what the idea of "music" means to God, to my relationship with God and I don't fully have words for all the thoughts in my head about the matter.

Getting to the point of this post (or perhaps, the lack of a point...) a fellow poster on the Relevant Magazine Message Boards posted this question towards "Creative Types":

I know the churh I attend is not very creative (but they think they are). Talented, yes; Creative, no!

Creative people are just too hard to handle for most people I've come across in the church so they're simply ignored or even put down until they conform.

That's my experience. I would like to hear about how other people see it.

This is what I posted in return (you can read the thread for all the responses):

I came from a church (grew up in it, actually) that was very stuck in it's ways and now I'm a part of a church that allows creativity to flow naturally (and not to the point of focusing on that and not what God is leading us to do).

I sometimes struggle with "worship" at my old church when I go there with my family since they are still involved and I truly love the people. The lack of talent, besides a lack of creativity, used to bug the hell out of me. But the problem was with ME, not with the church (well, not all of it anyway). My attitude was that my way was better and I had to fight the distraction of thinking about how much the music sucked, particularly since music is where I'm talented and where I do my best to be creative.

I'm very glad to be involved in the church community where I am now. My gifts (both creative and otherwise) are nurtured and given space to move as everyone else's are as well.

Someone mentioned how certain creative influences would be better if given space outside the standard "church" context. I totally agree! Our church doesn't have "special music" or really anything that isn't interactive in some way or another. But people are encouraged in their gifts. For instance, a band made up of various members from the church worship team (that isn't explicitly Christian in their songwriting) has been plugged in church because they are people who are trying to reach people through non-traditional means and out in the community, rather than just within the church community.

I think that certain God-given talents and creativity are better served OUTSIDE the church context (but encouraged within it) because that's where we can reach people and share God's love better than if we only use our gifts to serve the church community.

I don't know if I've made sense. I'm still figuring out what "music" means to my relationship with God, with the church, with other people, etc, since it is such a huge part of who I am and who God made me.

I don't have a neat way to close up these thoughts because they are still so open-ended to me. I certainly haven't figured it out, but I'm curious what other people may have to say (if they are even still checking my poor abandoned blog!)

Homosexuality a big deal?

2006-01-17T08:27:00.000-08:00

This post may not make much sense. It is simply my rambling thoughts on an issue that I haven't figured out and I don't pretend to have all the answers.

Nathan and I went to see Brokeback Mountain with Ryan and Heather recently and it has certainly stirred things up, in a good way. Ryan wrote an excellent post about the movie and his experiences with running into a friend (linked above).

I wrote a brief review with my thoughts about the movie on a message board I frequent. The message board is predominantly conservative Christian women, although there are a few that are further on the liberal side on some issues. They are a wonderful group of women, many of whom I count as good friends.

Because I wrote that review (and I kinda risked it a little, because I wasn't sure if I'd get backlash, which I didn't), one woman private messaged me sharing her views on homosexuality (that it's ok) and shared with me that she was quite hurt by some of the responses she received when she'd shared those views.

That really got me thinking about how the church handles the issue of homosexuality and what exactly is in the Bible regarding homosexuality (and how the Bible addresses it). It seems to me that the proportion of time the church spends discussing the issue (oftentimes without really accomplishing much) compared to other issues is disproportionate to how often it's discussed in the Bible compared to other issues. For instance, homosexuality isn't referenced or directly addressed as much as the issue of money is referenced or directly addressed.

Could it be that perhaps the church is spending too much time focusing on this issue? It seems to me that we should spend the time discussing the issues that are most important to God, as touchy as they may be with the church. How many sermons do you hear that talk about being godly with money, for instance? Yet that is one of, if not the most discussed issue in the Bible. When most people think about a sermon regarding money, they think of televangelist's trying to get people to send money to them so that God will bless them financially. I've heard some very good sermons regarding money, but it's sad that pastors have to tip-toe around the issue because so many people will think that they're just trying to get money, when it's a legitimate spiritual issue.

Or even more pointedly, think of how strongly Jesus rebuked the Pharisees for their legalism? How prevalent is that issue in the church? It's probably one of the biggest issues, in my opinion. Who are we to say we're better than someone else? We have been given the grace of God not by any effort on our part, but because Jesus died on the cross for each and every one of us, because we were ALL sinners. We are supposed to be reflections of Christ? But did he point fingers and rebuke the sinners he talked with every day? No, his righteous anger was directed towards the religious leaders who were judgemental, condemning and legalistic.

Obviously, homosexuality is something that the church needs to address because sexuality is something that many people struggle with, be it hetero- or homosexually, but it seems to me that most discussions the church has over this issue end up doing a lot of harm and not necessarily so much good.

We hear the cliche's of "Love the sinner, hate the sin" and such, but what does that really mean anyway? Most people who call themselves gal or lesbian, feel that their sexuality identifies who they are. They hear "love the sinner, hate the sin" and most likely hear something to the effect of "I'll love you when you're straight". That cliche really does nothing except make Christians feel better about themselves and gives them a way out.

How many people have we rejected from the church because they struggle with homosexuality, no matter whether they're flamingly open about it, or still in the closet, or somewhere in between? How can people open up and be vulnerable on this issue (that they may not even want to be struggling with) only to be shot down? Yet how often are people rejected from the church for other sins? Is there a disparity here?

Granted, there are people in the church who are open to learning about these struggles without just shoving people into a box labeled "sinner". We all have our struggles with sexuality in one way or another. Paraphrasing Ryan -- How can I say I'm any better than someone else just because my struggles are heterosexual in nature?

I don't really have answers, but I have questions... and I think that's where the church needs to start. We need to be open to hearing and understanding the difficulties and complications of homosexuality. People who struggle with these issues are hurting and need to be TRULY loved, first and foremost. I've walked with some friends through these issues and it totally changed my viewpoint and made me realize that it's not as cut and dried an issue as some churches, some people, some leaders make it out to be.

I sincerely hope that movies like "Brokeback Mountain" will cultivate questions in people, especially Christians, that will help them search for truth.

And I hope it will help people to respond in love and grace when these issues come up, rather than judgement and condemnation. Because that's really the heart of the issue.

I'm engaged!!!

2005-11-14T16:39:00.000-08:00

Most of the people who read this blog probably know already, but here is the story, in detail, of Nathan's proposal. Enjoy!! :-)

Nathan and I recently hit 10 months of dating (November 8th) and Nathan told me that he had plans for us on Saturday the 12th. He told me we had to be somewhere at a specific time in the morning, so he’d have to pick me up at 7am.

The night before, we were hanging out and cuddling and Nathan decides to take off my rings, saying that he “wanted to wear them”. He’s weird (as am I), so it didn’t phase me too much. He actually did put them both on his pinky for a little while (they only fit about a 3rd of the way down, hahaha!!). But then he put them on his desk and I had a feeling he was up to something. I didn’t think too much of it though, cause for all I knew, he was doing that early as a precautionary measure.

So, the next morning he picks me up at my house and we go to Jack’s Bagels and pick up some lox and bagels to eat for breakfast.

We went up to the Riviera Theater, which is this old theater that plays artsy, foreign, and independent films that come in to town. The building is pretty old and right next to it is a courtyard with a beautiful fountain in the middle. We ate on the steps facing the fountain and just talked for a little bit.

Then, Nathan said we needed to go on to the next thing, so we walked back to the parking lot, but Nathan walked right past our car and I started wondering what was going on.

We walked into the theater (by this time it was 8am and NO theaters in Santa Barbara ever show movies that early – especially on a Saturday morning!). We walked right past the staff and the box office and right into the theater. I asked Nathan “What’s going on?” and he said not to worry.

Nathan got us to our seats and we sat down and the movie started. The moment it started, I recognized by the music that it was “Garden State”, our favorite movie and one that holds a LOT of sentimental value to us. Nathan had arranged for a private showing for us! I DEFINITELY knew something was up at this point, but a part of me was so thrown off, I wasn’t totally sure what was gonna happen next.

We watched the movie and had a blast enjoying a theater to ourselves. We talked as loudly as we wanted, didn’t have to worry about blocking views or bothering anyone. The thought crossed my mind that we could even burp out loud if we wanted to and I said so to Nathan, so he obliged, haha.

When the movie ended, we walked out, but Nathan stopped me right before the doors to the lobby area. He hugged me and gave me a kiss and told me he loved me.

Then, he opened the doors and I saw a pathway of white, pink and lavender rose petals. I exclaimed “oh crap!” as the realization hit me that this was it! An odd thing to say, but oh well!

He led me along the pathway out to the top of the front steps of the theater where there was a bed of white rose petals. He started his speech (none of which I remember) then got down on one knee to continue, including a part of a poem he had memorized. Then he asked me “Would you give me the pleasure of being my wife?” To which I of course replied “Yes!”

We hugged and savored the moment, and then he yelled inside “She said yes!” I thought at first that perhaps he was telling the staff cause he was so excited, but then my family starting coming down the steps in the lobby! They had been the ones to come and lay out the rose petals for us. They congratulated us and took lots of pictures. We were wondering where my dad was, when he pops out of the bushes across the driveway with a video camera in hand! Nathan didn’t even know he was gonna do that!

Then we all went out to brunch at Anderson’s Bakery, downtown to celebrate!

I am SOOO blessed to have such a wonderful man in my life! He's a keeper for sure!

Prayer Warrior

2005-10-25T10:08:00.000-07:00

We all slept in our clothes--I, my brothers, my workmen, and the guards backing me up. And each one kept his spear in his hand, even when getting water. ~ Nehemiah 4:23 The Message

Last Saturday, at Aqueous, Pastor Billy's sermon (click link to be taken to podcast of sermon) mostly consisted of sharing his heart and the spiritual state of our church and his own spiritual walk. It was a powerful and emotional service, in a VERY good way. I am continually amazed at how God has worked in PB's life and how He has brought him and his family to lead our church. I feel so blessed to be led by these two amazing followers of Jesus.

As PB talked openly about the spiritual battles we are facing at this point in time, I felt my spirit be charged with passion. As he talked about how a lot of us are getting tired and discouraged at this point in our battle to reach the city of Goleta, I realized how much that is true for me. But rather than sit back and wallow, I realized that now is the time to press forward and persevere past the discouragement. The enemy is gearing up for attack and we need to be ready.

In line with the analogy of the book of Nehemiah, we have the walls half up. The enemy is seeing that we ARE persevering and making a difference, and realizing that they better do something to prevent us from furthering God's kingdom in Goleta. It's an exciting, but also difficult time.

PB talked about speaking with a man who formerly pastored a Foursquare church in Goleta that started in the 1950s. He said the average tenure of a pastor was about 3 years and the church ended up closing its doors. Our church has only been in existence for 7 years now, and our first pastors resigned after 4 years. At the same time, God obviously has a big plan for Goleta. The former pastor that PB talked with also said that he hasn't seen the same level of life-change in any church he's worked in since he pastored the Goleta Foursquare church.

That really struck me. It is obvious that God has something awesome planned for Goleta, but the battle is difficult. We're in the thick of it.

As I was contemplating the story of Nehemiah, I noticed how dedicated Nehemiah was to prayer. He often gathered the people for prayer. And that's when it hit me. We have 24 hour prayer from 8am Friday to 8am Saturday, but no specifically mobilized prayer the rest of the week. We don't have the attendance necessary to have 24/7 prayer, but we can certainly mobilize people to be praying each day of the week.

So I emailed PB and gave him my idea. Here's the basics:

Purpose:

To mobilize daily intercessory prayer from within the Aqueous community for our church leadership, church community, our neighborhoods and cities, and our global partners in ministry.

To give our community the opportunity to be intentional in prayer and give them the tools to pray effectively and specifically.

To build hedges of protection around our church leaders, especially Pastors Billy & Kristin as they minister to our community, our church community, and global partners in ministry.

Team Function:

Team members would sign up for a specific day on which to pray and possibly fast. Once signed up, the day stays the same unless the team member requests a change.

On the day a prayer team is scheduled, they will pray for the specific prayer needs of our church leadership, church community, neighborhoods and cities, and our global partners in ministry.

If urgent situations arise that can be communicated to the team, the Ministry leader will contact a team member, starting a chain of contact to pass the message on so team members can be praying.

Tools:

The main source of communication would be email. An email would go out to Team members prior to their prayer day listing any current needs for their prayer day, along with encouragements, Bible verses, and any other pertinent communication. Telephone contact would be used in the event of urgent, day-of needs.

Prayer cards/bookmarks could be a helpful tool for ongoing prayer needs.

Over the past few years, different prophecies have been spoken over me that indicated that I am meant to be a spiritual warrior. God has continually pressed upon my heart the need to be constantly interceding. Another part of the prophetic words spoken over me has been an image of leadership...leading others into the battle.

I have admittedly not been following that call very much. I've been lazy and content to do my own thing, just doing enough to "get by". I don't want to do that anymore. I am the most impassioned when I think about God's people mobilizing and seeking Him, ushering in His Kingdom and winning spiritual ground through prayer.

I'm stepping up, and I hope the church in Santa Barbara will too. It's time to fight, persevere through the tough times, and win the battle before us!!!

Save a Child

2005-09-30T14:46:00.000-07:00

I'm sure most, if not all, of you have heard about World Vision and their child sponsorship programs. If you haven't, World Vision is an organization that provides for the physical and spiritual needs of communities all over the world. They are working in war-torn, impoverished, famine-stricken countries, as well as providing emergency relief to communities all over the world.

Nathan and I decided to sponsor a child together through World Vision a few months ago. Her name is Jane and she lives in Uganda. I've actually traveled to Uganda and been to a WV program facility there while I was on a missions trip with a different organization. The staff are amazing people and really do impact the communities both on practical and spiritual levels.

Jane's community is one where HIV/AIDS is prevalent and World Vision is there helping families and the community as well as raising awareness about HIV/AIDS as well as providing assistance to people who's lives have been impacted by the disease.

One awesome thing about sponsorship is that Nathan and I are both able to minister to her by sending letters and stickers and items like that as well as providing the means for her to get an education and proper nutrition and medical care. We hope that someday we'll get to visit her.

Please consider sponsoring a child if you don't already. The sacrifice of $30 (or $35 for a Hope Child in an AIDS/HIV impacted area) isn't really that much compared to the things we buy every day. You could sponsor 2 or 3 kids each day with the money spent on coffee at Starbucks every day for a month!

You can click on the link below to get more information...

Religion

2005-09-23T11:27:00.000-07:00

I was reading a fellow blogger's post and it got me thinking about the term "religion".

Honestly, I hate the word. Particular in Western society, the word religion has connotations of rules, rote actions, and rites that don't really carry any real meaning. To most, Religion is something people often use as a weapon to beat the brows of people who disagree with their ideologies; it is people in suits knocking on your door; it is fire and brimstone; it is the right-wingers; it is judgement and condemnation.

And I just want to SCREAM that that's not what it's supposed to be about!! So many religions in this world do fit some or all of those things. Many Christians turn our faith into many of the those things.

I don't see my faith in Jesus as a religion. It's not a dead thing to me. My faith is LIFE! It is what brings joy and salvation to my life, and hopefully to the people around me.

My faith is Jesus is a RELATIONSHIP, first and foremost. It is about joyful abandon and reckless love. It is about diving headfirst into the depths of God's love. It is about a love so deep and wide that Jesus sacrificed his own perfect life that I might live with him for eternity, so that I might have hope that this life is not all there is, that I might have joy in this life while I am here (despite the difficulties) and that I might live and abundant life in the things that truly matter. It is about sacrificing my own desires and wishes that I might be more like Christ and live in a way that shows that He is the one in control of my life. It is about the grace of God that allows me to overcome my own sinfulness and the influence of evil in my life that I might come to know God even more.

After all, if God could create the entire Universe, from the largest galaxy to the smallest electron, then surely He knows much better what to do with my life than I do.

A postcript to "Birth Control"

2005-09-15T08:19:00.000-07:00

I realized that I didn't really clarify that the thoughts in my previous post are my opinions. I think there are very valid reasons for women to use hormonal birth control and I don't want to seem judgement towards those that do because I'm not that way.

It's up to each person to decide, with prayer, what the best option is for them. I do wish more women and couples would consider and seriously look into natural options more, though, and I wish that the word about it would get out more as well, so I just thought I would share my thoughts.

~M

Birth Control

2005-09-13T15:35:00.000-07:00

I posted this on another blog that I have, and thought I'd post it here. I think this is particularly valuable information for Christians!

.............................................................

Birth control has always been something in the back of my mind, but I knew I would never really had to answer the question for sure until my future husband and I discussed it prior to getting married.

I have researched it off and on for a couple years and I’ve learned about different methods of birth control. One that always fascinated me was the Fertility Awareness Method (also known as Natural Family Planning, but NFP is a little different). I know a few people who have used FAM for birth control and for pregnancy achievement as well. The more I looked into it, the more I realized that it was the way I want to go.

Now that Nathan and I are approaching engagement and I'm looking into wedding stuff, I am more and more sure that I do not want to use hormonal birth control (the Pill, Depo Provera shots, etc). I talked to Nathan about it, and he's totally supportive.

FAM is a scientifically-based method (unlike the Rhythm method, which is complete bunk - and also sometimes mistaken for FAM/NFP) that a lot of people use to try to conceive, but it is also highly effective (if used properly) as birth control. It (along with Natural Family Planning) gets a bad rap because of the failure rates don’t take into account user-failure. A lot of people don’t take the time to really understand how to use it, or they aren’t really trying all that hard to avoid.

Anyway, I got a book about FAM, Taking Charge of Your Fertility (TCOYF), and read up on it and started charting. It can seem complicated at first, but it's not really all that difficult once you get the hang of it. It’s not really any more difficult than remembering to take a pill every day!

Basically, I take my temperature every morning before I get out of bed and record it on a chart. There are a couple other things I take note of during the day and record as well. For most women there is a clear jump in temperature as hormones change, combined with other signs that my body gives me, that indicates when ovulation occurs. Another thing I really like about FAM is that I have become a lot more familiar with my body and my cycle. And for when Nathan and I get married, there are certain rules (based on how long sperm and eggs can survive) that we would use to determine when we'd need to use barrier methods of birth control.

As far as hormonal birth control is concerned, I have a few reason for not wanting to take it:

1. Moral – The abortion factor. I know it’s debatable as to whether the Pill actually causes abortions or not, but I’d rather not risk it. Most types of hormonal birth control work on a one to all of a few different levels. First, they prevent ovulation from occurring at all. Second, they thin the lining of the uterine wall, preventing any egg that might have been fertilized from implanting. There’s a third, but I don’t remember offhand what it is. I believe that life starts at conception, and that conception starts at fertilization. I am not at peace at all about taking the Pill for this reason.

2. Physical – I am already prone to health issues, so I don’t want to mess with my natural hormones and screw things up even more! Additionally, my mom never took hormonal birth control, and she never had issues with fertility. My aunt, on the other hand, did use hormonal birth control and she had fertility problems once she went off it, and she also battled breast cancer later on. My family has cancer tendencies, and I don’t want to add to the risk. Additionally, there is a history of various forms of depression in my family, and I know that hormonal birth control can affect women mentally as well. I just do not want to deal with the possible side effects.

3. Spiritual – The only reason I would even use birth control of any kind is because I don’t believe that it’s in God’s plan for us to start a family right away. There are other places that he is leading us at this point in time. However, once he leads us to start a family, with FAM, we’d be able to start trying right away! We wouldn’t have to deal with the residual effects of hormonal birth control and the possibility of miscarriage.

Here are some resources:

FAM info: www.tcoyf.com

Free online charting software (designed for women trying to conceive, but also useful combined with FAM birth control guidelines): www.fertilityfriend.com

I really believe that this is a beneficial and useful alternative, and I wish I knew more people who used it. I don't know anyone in my area who uses this method (although I'm sure there's SOMEONE!). And it's unfortunate that it gets a bad rap at times, or doesn't even get mentioned as an option!

2005-08-29T15:38:00.000-07:00

New Design

So, my formatting got all screwed up and I couldn't figure out how to fix it, so welcome to the new design! It's not as personal, but oh well. Now you can actually see my posts without having to scroll down *rolls eyes*.....

2005-08-23T11:08:00.000-07:00

My thoughts on life

Lately I've been thinking about life and what really matters.

I wrote out my life purpose for the money map thing and I realized that a lot of the things that our culture values aren't necessary to fulfill what I believe my purpose during the short period of time that is my life.

Here is my life purpose:

My Life purpose is to glorify God through my relationship with Him (through prayer, worship, reading my Bible, and acting on the things that He calls me to do), through loving and serving my family and friends and giving them the grace that God gives me, and through serving and ministering to people by using the gifts that God has given me.

I feel that all the details of my life with work out for the best as long as I live with that purpose in mind, because I know that wherever God leads me is the perfect and best place for me to be. My life so far has been nowhere near what I expected, but I love it, because I know that I am right where God wants me and there are good and wonderful things happening!

A lot of people lately have been telling me what they think I should do with my life. I realize that it's out of love and caring, but it's frustrating to me sometimes. The things they mention (education, finances, etc) are important to me, but whatever it is that GOD has for me is much more important. I know that God will give me the education I need (whether it's at a University, or whether it's through reading my Bible and living life), the finances I need (whether it's a lot or a little) and everything else. I would really like to finish my education and get a degree, but if I don't, that's not the end of the world. My degree isn't going to matter in heaven, and it doesn't even matter on earth if that's not something I need.

What is important to me is that at the end of my life, I can look back and see that I was faithful with what God entrusted me with...my life, my mind, my talents, my family, my friends, the people in the circle of influence. If getting my degree means missing out on something better that GOD has planned for me, I don't want it.

What I've said won't make sense to a lot of people, I would imagine. But I don't want to make sense to the world, I want to follow God's leading in my life. I trust that He will give me the knowledge I need, guide me, and provide for me.

~M

2005-08-02T14:31:00.000-07:00

Collapse

I think my ability to deal with all that life is throwing me at the moment is becoming less and less.

I feel like I have so many things coming at me that I may crumple. Thankfully, God's grace sustains me and He also has given me a wonderful man who is there for me when I really need him to be.

All this is teaching me the importance of spending good time with God, no matter how busy I am, because I simply can't survive without His guidance and help. I'm not necessarily doing so great, but I continue to improve.

The funny thing is, I think the more I grow and learn, the more I realize how far away from perfection I truly am. I know so many people, myself included, who feel like they are moving backwards in their relationship with God. I don't think it's so much that, as I growing realization of how far from perfection we are, and how much we really need God. I think that the more we realize how far we are from God, the more we want to pursue Him and get closer to Him, and the more He works in our lives, whether we realize it or not.

I have a feeling that God is doing things in my life that I don't realize at all. Thankfully, it doesn't all fall on my shoulders, really. All I have to do is obey Him and let him do the rest.

I read the August 1st entry in "My Utmost for His Highest" by Oswald Chambers and it really spoke about this matter:

Learning About His Ways

When Jesus finished commanding His twelve disciples . . . He departed from there to teach and to preach in their cities
—Matthew 11:1

He comes where He commands us to leave. If you stayed home when God told you to go because you were so concerned about your own people there, then you actually robbed them of the teaching of Jesus Christ Himself. When you obeyed and left all the consequences to God, the Lord went into your city to teach, but as long as you were disobedient, you blocked His way. Watch where you begin to debate with Him and put what you call your duty into competition with His commands. If you say, "I know that He told me to go, but my duty is here," it simply means that you do not believe that Jesus means what He says.

He teaches where He instructs us not to teach. "Master . . . let us make three tabernacles . . ." ( Luke 9:33 ).

Are we playing the part of an amateur providence, trying to play God’s role in the lives of others? Are we so noisy in our instruction of other people that God cannot get near them? We must learn to keep our mouths shut and our spirits alert. God wants to instruct us regarding His Son, and He wants to turn our times of prayer into mounts of transfiguration. When we become certain that God is going to work in a particular way, He will never work in that way again.

He works where He sends us to wait. ". . . tarry . . . until . . ." ( Luke 24:49 ). "Wait on the Lord" and He will work ( Psalm 37:34 ). But don’t wait sulking spiritually and feeling sorry for yourself, just because you can’t see one inch in front of you! Are we detached enough from our own spiritual fits of emotion to "wait patiently for Him"? ( Psalm 37:7 ). Waiting is not sitting with folded hands doing nothing, but it is learning to do what we are told.

These are some of the facets of His ways that we rarely recognize.

2005-06-03T10:20:00.000-07:00

Life is good....

It can be so easy to get caught up in the little annoying things of life to miss the huge ways that God has blessed us.

I have been gettig frustrated with work cause it hasn't been terribly busy, so I am bored out of my mind. I'm one of those people who needs some urgency and lots of stuff to do in order to have motivation (I need to work on that -- maybe a to-do list of every little thing would make me feel like I have more work to do).

Anyway, despite the worries about finances, the future, life in general, etc, etc. God totally takes care of me.

First off, the God of the universe cares enough about me to have a specific plan for my life. The more time I spend with Him, the more I do things for Him, I am blessed. All the things He tells us to do are for our own good. The more we pray, the more we open ourselves up to God and allow him to work in our lives, rather than making God any closer to us than he already is. The more we serve and are faithful with what God has given us, who he has placed in our lives to minister to, and where he has placed us, the more he blesses us so that we might continue to bless others. It's amazing.

Also, God has placed so many wonderful people in my life. Nathan is such a wonderful man and so in love with God and desiring to become more and more of the man God created him to be. He is such a huge support to me and we love each other very much. I have a good family, despite the relational problems that sometimes come up. I have a wonderful church family that is such a huge support system for me. I have wonderful friends who I love sharing life with, who are a wonderful support and encouragement in my life (and hopefully vice versa!).

I live in Santa Barbara in a nice place, with wonderful roommates. I have a good job (despite my gripes with it sometimes) that supports me and I go to a beautiful school with wonderful teachers.

I have clothes and food and all the necessities, plus so much more.

I am truly blessed and I hope to be able to bless others with what I've been given. I think that if we as followers of Jesus would remember how much we've been blessed and how much God has provided for us from big (redeeming us from our sins) to small (giving us that one smile from someone special that totally makes your day), it puts everything into perspective.

Lord, thank you so much for all the blessings you've given me! May I constantly be giving you thanks and praise for all that you have done. For that is all that I really have to give you.

~M

2005-04-29T16:24:00.000-07:00

It sometimes frustrates me that I have to so often learn things "the hard way". The trials I go through -- from teeny to huge -- are frustrating and often painful to go through. But God teaches me so much through each difficulty. Sometimes it's something hitting me from the outside, and sometimes it's my own sinfulness causing problems in my life (or a mixture of both).

I am a stubborn human being. Sometimes that stick-to-it-iveness is good. Often it's the cause of my own demise. But God is teaching me to humble myself when I need to through some current difficulties in one of my family relationships. I so often get caught up in how I'm right that I don't think about how I might be wrong.

My boyfriend, Nathan, has a very humble spirit and his humility has shown me how I need to be humble and when I need to even sacrifice my own "rightness" in order to serve someone else or give grace to someone else. I love how even though we may go through tough times spiritually, emotionally, physically or financially, God always provides exactly what we need to make it through and teaches us so many important truths in the process.

Even though I'm experiencing difficulty and pain, God has provided and blessed me by bringing Nathan into my life, giving me wonderful friends, and placing me in a loving church family. And He constantly gives me strength so that I can bless and serve others as well -- and continues to teach me how to do so. Hopefully out of my own situations, I will be able to bless others and share their burdens.

Oh, to be more like Christ in His humility and grace!

2005-03-14T18:15:00.000-08:00

Life in the Valley of Death

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/7182113/?GT1=6305

Death Valley is normally a dry, barren wasteland, but with the right amount of rain and sun, the life that is hidden pops above the surface.

What an amazing reminder of how God's grace rained upon us gives our dead and barren souls eternal life!

2005-02-21T12:09:00.000-08:00

An attempt at brevity

I know, I know, it's been forever since I last posted. You're probably thinking I "took the plunge" and then disappeared off the face of the earth! haha. Well, here I am. I am going to try to briefly recap the past few months, but we'll see how brief it actually turns out to be...

Looking back, God has done so much in my life in the past year. By taking a step of faith, I allowed God to really begin to set me free from things that were holding me back.

I quit my job and went to a different one (though that didn't last too long, it was still an important step). I went back to school fulltime after only taking classes here and there for the past 3 years. I went back to my original major, my passion...music.

My first semester back in school was really good for me in a number of ways. First off, I was getting back to my passion--the love for music that God put inside me. I was kind of shy and nervous about performing again, but over the course of the semester, God developed a lot of confidence in me in numerous ways.

I hadn't been in much contact with the "outside world" for quite some time, having been working in a small office for so long and being homeschooled prior to that. So I really grew socially as well, getting to know my fellow music majors. What helped a lot was the intimate feel of the music department and seeing classmates hanging around all the time, either between or in classes.

In the middle of the semester, I went to the women's encounter weekend, and that really was a turning point for me. The things from my past that were holding me back were broken and I have felt so much freer since then. God really prepared me in a lot of ways for that weekend and has been keeping me close since.

I've learned to really listen to God and to seek Him more than ever. I've learned to be confident in who He created me to be, not letting myself be swayed by what other people expect of me.

Over Christmas break and since, God has led me into a situation I never thought I'd be in. I have had to keep myself surrendered to Him with this. It's challenging sometimes to know that I am following God's will, when other people don't agree, even those I respect. I thank God for the close friends who love Him as well and know me well enough to know to keep me accountable while allowing for God to be working in unusual ways. I can't deny the fruit that has come out of this situation and I just continue to seek God daily and keep myself and the situation surrendered to Him.

I suppose what I have learned in all this is that God is the one I need to listen to above all. I know I may make mistakes, as does everyone, but I have put my trust in Him alone. As long as I stay connected to Him, I can trust that I am hearing His voice and following His lead in my life.

~M

2005-02-14T00:16:00.000-08:00

I'm still alive.

2004-06-23T13:39:00.000-07:00

Taking the Plunge

Well, I have officially taken the plunge and I'll be going through some changes in the next few weeks. I am just hoping that my relationships with family don't suffer for it in the long run.

Interestingly enough, last night God really spoke to me about trust during my devotional time. I finally realized that deep down, I hadn't reached a level of trust that I thought I had; that some of my fears and insecurities about myself, about my future, are based on a lack of trust in God. That I have a certain lack of faith in that I don't really believe, in practice, that God knows what's best for me.

Realizing these things, I had to surrender more of myself to Him, and he blessed me with more faith in His provision and protection of and for me.

As long as I cling to Him, all is well.

Psalm 56:1-4

Be gracious to me, O God, for man has trampled upon me;
Fighting all day long he oppresses me.

My foes have trampled upon me all day long,
for they are many who fight proudly against me.

When I am afraid,
I will put my trust in You.

In God, whose word I praise,
In God I have put my trust;
I shall not be afraid.
What can mere man do to me?

2004-06-08T15:18:00.000-07:00

Hope of things to come

"Oh! May the God of green hope fill you up with joy, fill you up with peace, so that your believing lives, filled with the life-giving energy of the Holy Spirit will brim over with hope" Rom 15:13 The Message

I read this passage a few days ago in our daily Bible-reading plan (which I am not always caught up with, but I'm getting better at that), and the freshness of the Message version struck me.

We as christians are given the Holy Spirit to guide us and to contend for us when we don't know what to contend for, among other things. The Holy Spirit fills us with life and energy, yet so often we live defeated lives, struck down by the mundane of everyday life, by complacency and lack of motivation.

Yet, really, we are given the Holy Spirit is there offering is hope, vibrant life, and abundant energy. It's like we see the gift sitting there on the table, yet never open it. How dumb is that?

In my own life, I feel like I am in an "upswing" spiritually. I had kinda fallen a bit to a place where I wasn't super close to God, just sorta barely maintaining, but God kicked my butt outta that place, and I'm moving back closer to Him again.

Really, our journeys are often made up of times where we sorta feel like we're moving backwards, when really, it's kinda like parts of the journey just overlap each other. It may be that there are lessons that we are just not learning that God wants to teach us, or weaknesses that take us back a few steps, but I find that in the end, I am always closer to God, always learning more about His character and holiness.

We are humans, and we will fail and fall, but by the grace of God, each time we get up, we find ourselves closer to Him. And that is why (well, one of the reasons why) our God is so awesome.

2004-05-28T09:49:00.000-07:00

Beauty in the ordinary

Yesterday, I headed in the general direction of home after enjoying watching the sunset from the top of Elings Park off Las Positas.

I realized that there is so much beauty in the ordinary things of life, yet so often we miss them. I almost feel as if that odd mood I was in just sorta opened my eyes a bit.

It's as if I get so used to walking through life in a fog, that I don't even realize I am in a fog, because it is just what I am used to. But then the Sun peeks through the clouds, and my soul remembers that there is more. I see the beauty around me, the beauty of every day that so often gets missed as I bustle through life. I see the beauty of a streetlight pole framing the mountains behind. I see the beauty hiding in plain sight, just behind the manmade. I see the beauty in a hydrant poking out of a bed of flowers, the combination of natural creation and human creation inspired by God.

2004-05-24T14:57:00.000-07:00

I think this may be my most transparent post

I have been in this kinda contemplative mood. It's my best song-writing mood, I think. Anyway, I just keep finding myself thinking deeply and I will realize the oddest things about myself, or at least acknowledge them. I tend to get busy, and not take the time to really think about things. Or to avoid taking the time to think about things. I wonder sometimes which one it is. Maybe both.

God is really teaching me to listen to Him, out of necessity. If I don't listen to Him and wait till He gives me the go-ahead to talk to my dad about stuff, it could be bad, or at least worse than it would be otherwise. I am kinda anxious to get moving and get to the next step, but I think God is teaching me about patience as well. *sigh* I am not too good at patience.

I was thinking and praying last night about random things, and so often I find myself feeling like I am missing something in my relationship with God. Like something is between me and Him. And most of the time, I feel that way when I am not spending time with Him like I should (I shouldn't even be saying "should", I am supposed to WANT to, and most of me does, but some parts don't apparently), like recently. Things get busy and I use busyness to avoid God in some ways. Anyhow, getting back to my point, I was wondering if I will ever NOT feel like there is something holding me back, or in my way, until I get to heaven.

Sometimes, I will catch a glimpse of some fear or something in my soul that wonders "What exactly would happen if I let go completely and let God do his thing?" as I go merrily on my way acting like I am oblivious. Sometimes convincing myself I am oblivious, avoiding dealing with the deeper parts of my soul because "I don't have the time" or "I need to get away".

All I can do is keep trying and doing my best to rely on God without hanging on, trying to keep some sort of control over things.

I feel at a loss as to what to do sometimes. How exactly do I relinquish my all? How exactly do I let go? I know I can find the answers, that they may even be hidden within me, but I haven't opened myself up enough to figure it out.

Sometimes I try to let go, but I fail, and get discouraged, though I know His grace covers me.

Some things I don't even think I can put into words, which is why I am thankful for being able to pray in my spiritual language, caue I know the Holy Spirit can pray the things I can't.

All I know is that each step, each realization is another step on my journey, another step closer to the heart of God. I know that He is there beside me each step of the way; holding my hand when I reach for his; ready to catch me if I trip and fall, ready to speak to me when I can't see his face for the fog.

I suppose that this point in my life is a bit foggy. I don't know and can't see exactly where I am going, hence the need to really listen and distinguish his voice from the voices of Expectation, Doubt, Fear, Discouragement, etc.

I just want to be able to let go. I want whatever is holding me back to be loosed. God help me, cause I can't do it on my own.

2004-05-23T22:15:00.000-07:00

Comments on desire

The quote I posted below really struck me, because lately, my desire for music (writing, creating, singing, anything!) has been stirred up more and more lately, and I realized through some God moments, that those desires are in His plans.

The direction my life has been taking the past couple of years in some ways had stifled that desire and passion, and a part of me was being stifled along with it.

Now, as I am making changes to pursue this desire for music, for creating, I am learning to listen to God's voice more and more as well. He is showing me that He gave me this desire for a reason.

I am still in the process of figuring out things; what God is teaching me, what my next step should be, how I am going to make that next step, etc. But even though certain aspects are scary and unknown, I am so much more at peace. I don't have to deny those desires to "do the right thing" or whatever. I just need to follow God's leading and learn to listen more and more, and see what God does.

I am so excited!

2004-05-18T15:24:00.000-07:00

Desire

"This may come as a surprise to you: Christianity is not an invitation to become a moral person. It is not a program for getting us in line or for reforming society. It has a powerful effect upon our lives, but when transformation comes, it is always the aftereffect of something else, something at the level of our hearts. At its core, Christianity begins with an invitation to desire. Look again at the way Jesus relates to people. As he did with the fellow at the Sheep Gate, he is continually taking them into their hearts, to their deepest desires."

~John Eldredge, The Journey of Desire

I'll post my thoughts on this later. But here it is for now.

2004-04-25T17:22:00.000-07:00

Grief

Grief is an interesting thing.

I actually feel like I am doing okay at the moment, but other times, the loss of my grandmother overwhelms me a bit. I managed to tell my best friend (we've known each other our whole lives--seriously), about Oma's passing without crying. I think when I am at my grandma's house, I am kind of on guard, so I am not "feeling" as much, or letting it out, I guess.

The drama has started again. I am so sick of it. I have spent most of the day (well, since I woke up at 11:00am) *doing* all this stuff; cleaning, sorting, etc. etc., when I just want to *be*. I have to work this week (besides Friday, which is Oma's memorial service), and I have no idea how I am going to handle it, especially without a break. I am hoping I can spend some time with friends, or something tonight. I have talked with some of my good friends today at various times. So I have that.

What I am amazed at is the sense of hope that I have. Even though things are crappy, I won't deny that, I can have hope, because I know that my God is here for me, comforting me, comforting my family. I am praying he is also working in the hearts of those in my family causing problems, or exacerbating them. My prayer has just been that God will take out the unforgiveness, bitterness, anger, greed, and manipulation, and replace it with abounding forgiveness, grace, love, and truth. Oh Jesus, please.

I have found a slight change in myself, besides the effects of grief and loss. I have been noticing lately that it is kinda hard for me to tell my friends I love them. For some reason, the word slightly scares me. But I have had more freedom in just telling my friends that I care about them and love them. I want those around me to know that.

So, for all of you who support me in prayer, in listening to me, in just being there, thank you, and I love you. You guys are all wonderful people and you mean the world to me.

~Marieke

2004-04-25T00:17:00.000-07:00

she's gone home

My grandmother (who I actually called Oma, which means grandma in German) passed away at 10:20pm tonight. She passed away very peacefully, in her sleep, just like she wanted to. She had all her kids around her, plus my sisters and I, and a few spouses.

She had made a pact with a friend of hers that they would both die in their sleep. Well, my Oma kept her part!

I'll miss her.

~M

2004-04-24T11:47:00.000-07:00

please pray

My grandma is dying. Please pray that she will be at peace and that we will pass on with a right relationship with Jesus. She is really fighting--she's kinda like the energizer bunny--she just keeps on going!

However, she very well may not last the night.

Thanks,
Marieke

2004-04-19T13:55:00.000-07:00

About to jump!

Well, it seems that God is definitely calling me to take the leap. The decision is made, now to act!

This is kind of an odd place to be.

I could still turn around, but I am acutely aware that it is really not worth it, no matter how difficult, stressful, or scary the things that lay ahead may be. To turn back would be to accept the mundane, to settle for less than God's best, and I don't want to do that.

To go ahead means that I don't really know what I am going to be doing.

At all.

There are so many possibilities! I have no idea what God has ahead for me. There will be more decisions to make, more adventures ahead, more scary leaps to take, but I am so ready! It is exciting to know that I am on the path God has for me.

Taking a risk, especially one that has the potential to cause conflict, is exhilarating. I don't know what will happen, but God does, and that is most important. He knows that I am kinda nervous about what may happen, but He is continually placing more and more peace in my heart as I take steps towards the edge of this cliff where my life's path currently is leading me.

I know deep down, that this is right, no matter what conflicts may arise. I can be at peace knowing that I am obeying God's lead--and that is the most important thing.

~Marieke

2004-04-12T19:05:00.000-07:00

On the edge...

I feel like at this point in my life, I am on the edge of this big cliff, and I can't see what is at the bottom. It could be something awesome, it could be something that will hurt, but either way, it will be honoring to God. I don't want to be a slave to the comforts of this world, the security of a job for the rest of my life, even though that's a false sense of security.

If I stay back, I will be enslaved to the aforementioned comfort and security, as well as the expectations certain people place on me. And I am beginning to think that the things holding me back from taking the risk, from jumping off the cliff and seeing what God does with my life, are not from God. That he is encouraging me to take the leap of faith, trusting that he will take care of my every need, that he has my life in his hands. That what I discover when I jump, could be way beyond my imagination.

I learned in my business 101 class that the higher the risk, the higher the loss, or the reward.

Do I want to play it safe and conservative, and possibly not gain as much, but not risk losing as much? Or do I want to risk it all and possibly gain way more than I could fathom?

~Marieke

2004-04-06T00:07:00.000-07:00

Innocence Restored

Trying to heal from the hurt and the pain
other inflicted upon you.
I see in your eyes the hollow inside
that threatens to swallow.

But you see, your Father in Heaven
reaching His hand down to heal.
Picking you up to cradle you close
His love flowing over you.

Your innocence stolen,
you wish you could reverse
to start over again.
He's here to restore you
redeem all and love you
Make you whole again.

2004-04-05T16:43:00.000-07:00

An Amazing Night!

Aqueous' gathering Saturday night was simply awesome! The whole evening I felt slightly off-kilter (partly cause I forgot that I was scheduled for worship, so I went up cold, with no warm-up and no level-checking...whoops!). I think God wanted me a little un-with-it, though. I like feeling like I am as on top of things as I can be, and tend to beat myself up when I am not. But I think that that off-balance feeling made me ready for the rest of the night. It really allowed God to move in ways beyond ourselves.

Towards the end of the worship set, Pastor Billy opened up time for people to share what God placed on their hearts to share with everyone. My monitor wasn't very loud, so I couldn't quite hear what everyone said, but I definitely heard what God was telling me. A lot of what was said God had been speaking to me already lately. But as people were talking, I felt God telling me to share a song I had written that afternoon.

It was kind of an interesting thing, because I haven't really written any songs for a while, but my musical creativeness had been stirring in me, and the words just came to me. Then I went to my piano and just sorta jammed out chords and a melody.

Going back to the Gathering, I told Pastor Billy that I felt God wanted me to share the song, so he told me he wanted me to be last, even though he had no idea what the lyrics were or anything. So I went to get my journal and brought it back up.

I was kinda nervous, but I know I would have regretted not doing it. God totally gave me a chance to step out of my comfort zone and take a risk. So I sang the song a cappella and let God do with it what he will. I may never know if anyone was impacted by it, but I know I was obedient, and that is all I can do.

But I am really glad that I had the guts to step up and be obedient, even though it was a bit nerve-wracking.

I really hope God has more for me as far as music goes. I absolutely love it, especially sharing it with others. I feel the most in my element when I am singing and/or playing piano (not that I am very great at piano yet).

So yeah, it was an awesome night :-)

~Marieke

PS: I'll post the lyrics later.

2004-03-27T12:01:00.000-08:00

Self-confidence or God-confidence?

1 Corinthians 10:12

"Forget about self-confidence; it's useless. Cultivate God-confidence."

The context surrounding this verse is one where Paul is warning the Corinthians of being too self-confident in themselves, but this verse in particular stuck out to me for a slightly different reason.

In our culture being self-confidence and having good self-esteem is very highly regarded. But I think these ideas are so ingrained into us, that we so easily forget to rely on God; to put our confidence in God; to find our self-worth in how God sees us.

I know I screw up, I know that I make my mistakes. We are all human and will fail and fall. So often I can get caught up in trying to do things right, trying to be a good Christian, that I forget that I am God's daughter. I don't need to measure myself by the standards of this world, or put such a high value on how others view me when I am a daughter of the King! I have been chosen by the King, and He sees me as I am and loves me. He knows I will make mistakes, he knows I won't be perfect, but he sees my potential. He sees who I was created to be and is continually encouraging me to keep growing towards that.

The arrows that the Enemy throws at me through the hurtful words of others, or the things he whispers to me in areas where he knows I am weak don't need to hurt when I remember that I am God's beloved.

My confidence is in the One who created me; the One who knit me together in my mother's womb; who already knew the mistakes I would make; already knew how I would grow towards Him; already knew of the times I would turn away.

My worth is found in being God's beloved daughter. I don't need anything else beyond that, yet God is constantly reminding me through those around me. He is constantly encouraging me through the words of others, through incidences where He shows he is caring for me, through the truth that He speaks through the Bible. He lavishes His love on me so much!

Dear Papa,
I am in awe of the love that you have for me. How you are in every little detail, loving me through good and bad, constantly speaking to me and whispering, even shouting at times, how much you love me! And I can never reciprocate all that you have done for me. I owe you my life, yet you sacrificed your Son so that I might be redeemed, my debt paid in full. I want to give you my whole life and everything that is part of it, but so often I fail. Yet your grace is there to catch me, to bring me through, to teach me lessons, and to draw me closer to You. There are not enough words to describe you or what you have done for my life. Thank you so much for everything! For my friends, my family, my church, my new home, the people I will meet, and so on. I could go on forever!

Thank you for this reminder of how much you love me. I can never thank you enough. May my life be a life of continual worship to you!

I love you Papa :-)

Marieke

2004-03-23T14:21:00.000-08:00

Thanks God!

My car recently started making an awful noise, and I was a bit worried that something horrible had gone wrong that would cost tons of money. I had been praying about it just yesterday.

Well, now it is fixed, and I didn't even have to pay a single penny! My dad had to get a part for his car at a dealership and since his car had gone kaput, I picked him up and took him there over lunch. He heard the noise and guessed what it was, so he grabbed a mechanic and all my car needed was some steering fluid (or whatever it's called). So the mechanic filled up the tank thingy (can you tell how much I know about cars?) and even gave me the rest of the bottle to keep with me in case I need it again. I'll eventually need to get the line checked for leaks, but talk about God's provision!

Thank you Lord!

Talk about God "winning the battle" before I even get there *grin*

2004-03-22T15:13:00.000-08:00

God's plans

Scripture: Joshua 13:1-7

In this passage of the Bible, God speaks to Joshua about how His plans are not completed, even though Joshua has loved a good long life. There is significance in mentioning Joshua's long life because Joshua was one of two people (the other being Caleb) who trusted in God's faithfulness in helping them overcome obstacles that they would encounter when taking hold of the Promised Land of Canaan. Everyone else in Joshua's generation passed away as they traveled through the desert for about 39 years.

So here is Joshua, after defeating many enemies, and taking over much of the land God promised to the Israelites, but God essentially tells Joshua that he is not done. That his promise has still not been fulfilled and more is to be inherited.

And God lays out exactly what is still to be given to His people.

And then God tells Joshua this:

I myself will drive them out before the People of Israel. All you have to do is allot this land to Israel as an inheritance, as I have instructed you. Do it now: Allot this land as an inheritance to the nine tribes and the half-tribe of Manasseh. Josh 13:6b-7

Many of the people groups that lived in Canaan were larger than the Israelites, outnumbered them, and had more weapons and experience in warfare. Yet here God is saying "The victory will be mine, you don't need to anything but simply take what I am giving to you".

If only I could remember when I hit obstacles in my own life, that the victories belong to God. He has made promises to me that he will keep. All I have to do is surrender the battle to Him, and he will make the victory and give me what has been promised. I still need to take action, I still need to go out there and do what he has asked. There will still be hurt, and there may be casualties, but He is in charge, and he will not let me fail where he has promised there will be victory.

Father, thank you for winning the battles before I even get to them; for going before me and conquering the enemy before I even get to the battlefield. Continue to fill me with your spirit as I go through life so that I can simply focus on the things you are calling me to do, not focus on the difficulties that come my way. My hope is found in you, and I know you have a future laid out for me that will challenge me and bless me in ways that I don't even know. Whisper your truths to me in moments of doubt, as you already do, and speak to me that I may speak truth and blessing to others as well. I don't want to be so focused on what is going on in my own life, that I miss chances to reach out to others who are dealing with their own obstacles and enemies. Please continue to give me wisdom, that I may give you glory in all that I do.

Amen

2004-03-18T00:12:00.000-08:00

it's raining grace today......

Tonight, I felt God' grace in a neat way. Lately I have been having moments of feeling overwhelmed, stressed out and the like due to my upcoming move. The timing coincided with my church's Grand Opening and I just haven't had the time to devote to some of my responsibilities. I have gotten the essentials done, but I haven't done my best.

At the leader's meeting tonight, I realized that I have a fear of failure, and worry what other people think of me. I realized that these things have been affecting my life in subtle ways that have stolen some of my joy. It added an extra burden to my life that I am not meant to carry. Yes, I am responsible for taking care of Nursery related things, and I have been slacking in some areas, but it is not the end of the world. The people around me understand and God knows what's up.

I can so easily get caught up in being busy and so easily let guilt weigh me down. But what good does that do? When I am focusing my attentions on God, the rest will fall into place. When I am connected with God and connected to his will, where can I go wrong? It is only when I stray, when I let the busyness of life get in the way of my relationship with God that all the pressures and stresses threaten to overwhelm me.

But that is what I love about God's grace. It is there for the asking. Wallowing in guilt or fear does no good, but taking God's hand and letting Him pull me up to my feet draws me closer to Him and sets me back on track. As long as I am "falling forward" when I fall on my path closer to Jesus, I will continue to grow. We all fall, I will continue to fall, but as long as I am letting God pull me up, or even pick me up, the falling doesn't matter. What matters is being close to Him, of keeping my eyes focused on Him and persevering on the path he has set before me.

God, thank you so much for your perfect timing. It may not seem perfect to my human eyes, but you know the whole picture and you know what is right and good, even though it may not seem that way at first. Thank you for placing me in a community of fellow believers who love you more than anything. What I love about our church is that we can all be ourselves, and that our "style" is simply a reflection of who we are. The love that we have for each other can only come from you! I pray that you would continue to grow us closer to you, both individually and as a church, that we would continue to shine your love everywhere we go! You are truly an awesome God!

Here I am Lord....

~Marieke

2004-03-17T10:22:00.000-08:00

Here I am...

The beginning of my online prayer journal.