Grief

Grief is an interesting thing.

I actually feel like I am doing okay at the moment, but other times, the loss of my grandmother overwhelms me a bit. I managed to tell my best friend (we've known each other our whole lives--seriously), about Oma's passing without crying. I think when I am at my grandma's house, I am kind of on guard, so I am not "feeling" as much, or letting it out, I guess.

The drama has started again. I am so sick of it. I have spent most of the day (well, since I woke up at 11:00am) *doing* all this stuff; cleaning, sorting, etc. etc., when I just want to *be*. I have to work this week (besides Friday, which is Oma's memorial service), and I have no idea how I am going to handle it, especially without a break. I am hoping I can spend some time with friends, or something tonight. I have talked with some of my good friends today at various times. So I have that.

What I am amazed at is the sense of hope that I have. Even though things are crappy, I won't deny that, I can have hope, because I know that my God is here for me, comforting me, comforting my family. I am praying he is also working in the hearts of those in my family causing problems, or exacerbating them. My prayer has just been that God will take out the unforgiveness, bitterness, anger, greed, and manipulation, and replace it with abounding forgiveness, grace, love, and truth. Oh Jesus, please.

I have found a slight change in myself, besides the effects of grief and loss. I have been noticing lately that it is kinda hard for me to tell my friends I love them. For some reason, the word slightly scares me. But I have had more freedom in just telling my friends that I care about them and love them. I want those around me to know that.

So, for all of you who support me in prayer, in listening to me, in just being there, thank you, and I love you. You guys are all wonderful people and you mean the world to me.

~Marieke