I think this may be my most transparent post

I have been in this kinda contemplative mood. It's my best song-writing mood, I think. Anyway, I just keep finding myself thinking deeply and I will realize the oddest things about myself, or at least acknowledge them. I tend to get busy, and not take the time to really think about things. Or to avoid taking the time to think about things. I wonder sometimes which one it is. Maybe both.

God is really teaching me to listen to Him, out of necessity. If I don't listen to Him and wait till He gives me the go-ahead to talk to my dad about stuff, it could be bad, or at least worse than it would be otherwise. I am kinda anxious to get moving and get to the next step, but I think God is teaching me about patience as well. *sigh* I am not too good at patience.

I was thinking and praying last night about random things, and so often I find myself feeling like I am missing something in my relationship with God. Like something is between me and Him. And most of the time, I feel that way when I am not spending time with Him like I should (I shouldn't even be saying "should", I am supposed to WANT to, and most of me does, but some parts don't apparently), like recently. Things get busy and I use busyness to avoid God in some ways. Anyhow, getting back to my point, I was wondering if I will ever NOT feel like there is something holding me back, or in my way, until I get to heaven.

Sometimes, I will catch a glimpse of some fear or something in my soul that wonders "What exactly would happen if I let go completely and let God do his thing?" as I go merrily on my way acting like I am oblivious. Sometimes convincing myself I am oblivious, avoiding dealing with the deeper parts of my soul because "I don't have the time" or "I need to get away".

All I can do is keep trying and doing my best to rely on God without hanging on, trying to keep some sort of control over things.

I feel at a loss as to what to do sometimes. How exactly do I relinquish my all? How exactly do I let go? I know I can find the answers, that they may even be hidden within me, but I haven't opened myself up enough to figure it out.

Sometimes I try to let go, but I fail, and get discouraged, though I know His grace covers me.

Some things I don't even think I can put into words, which is why I am thankful for being able to pray in my spiritual language, caue I know the Holy Spirit can pray the things I can't.

All I know is that each step, each realization is another step on my journey, another step closer to the heart of God. I know that He is there beside me each step of the way; holding my hand when I reach for his; ready to catch me if I trip and fall, ready to speak to me when I can't see his face for the fog.

I suppose that this point in my life is a bit foggy. I don't know and can't see exactly where I am going, hence the need to really listen and distinguish his voice from the voices of Expectation, Doubt, Fear, Discouragement, etc.

I just want to be able to let go. I want whatever is holding me back to be loosed. God help me, cause I can't do it on my own.