Grief

Grief is an interesting thing.

I actually feel like I am doing okay at the moment, but other times, the loss of my grandmother overwhelms me a bit. I managed to tell my best friend (we've known each other our whole lives--seriously), about Oma's passing without crying. I think when I am at my grandma's house, I am kind of on guard, so I am not "feeling" as much, or letting it out, I guess.

The drama has started again. I am so sick of it. I have spent most of the day (well, since I woke up at 11:00am) *doing* all this stuff; cleaning, sorting, etc. etc., when I just want to *be*. I have to work this week (besides Friday, which is Oma's memorial service), and I have no idea how I am going to handle it, especially without a break. I am hoping I can spend some time with friends, or something tonight. I have talked with some of my good friends today at various times. So I have that.

What I am amazed at is the sense of hope that I have. Even though things are crappy, I won't deny that, I can have hope, because I know that my God is here for me, comforting me, comforting my family. I am praying he is also working in the hearts of those in my family causing problems, or exacerbating them. My prayer has just been that God will take out the unforgiveness, bitterness, anger, greed, and manipulation, and replace it with abounding forgiveness, grace, love, and truth. Oh Jesus, please.

I have found a slight change in myself, besides the effects of grief and loss. I have been noticing lately that it is kinda hard for me to tell my friends I love them. For some reason, the word slightly scares me. But I have had more freedom in just telling my friends that I care about them and love them. I want those around me to know that.

So, for all of you who support me in prayer, in listening to me, in just being there, thank you, and I love you. You guys are all wonderful people and you mean the world to me.

~Marieke

she's gone home

My grandmother (who I actually called Oma, which means grandma in German) passed away at 10:20pm tonight. She passed away very peacefully, in her sleep, just like she wanted to. She had all her kids around her, plus my sisters and I, and a few spouses.

She had made a pact with a friend of hers that they would both die in their sleep. Well, my Oma kept her part!

I'll miss her.

~M

please pray

My grandma is dying. Please pray that she will be at peace and that we will pass on with a right relationship with Jesus. She is really fighting--she's kinda like the energizer bunny--she just keeps on going!

However, she very well may not last the night.

Thanks,
Marieke

About to jump!

Well, it seems that God is definitely calling me to take the leap. The decision is made, now to act!

This is kind of an odd place to be.

I could still turn around, but I am acutely aware that it is really not worth it, no matter how difficult, stressful, or scary the things that lay ahead may be. To turn back would be to accept the mundane, to settle for less than God's best, and I don't want to do that.

To go ahead means that I don't really know what I am going to be doing.

At all.

There are so many possibilities! I have no idea what God has ahead for me. There will be more decisions to make, more adventures ahead, more scary leaps to take, but I am so ready! It is exciting to know that I am on the path God has for me.

Taking a risk, especially one that has the potential to cause conflict, is exhilarating. I don't know what will happen, but God does, and that is most important. He knows that I am kinda nervous about what may happen, but He is continually placing more and more peace in my heart as I take steps towards the edge of this cliff where my life's path currently is leading me.

I know deep down, that this is right, no matter what conflicts may arise. I can be at peace knowing that I am obeying God's lead--and that is the most important thing.

~Marieke

On the edge...

I feel like at this point in my life, I am on the edge of this big cliff, and I can't see what is at the bottom. It could be something awesome, it could be something that will hurt, but either way, it will be honoring to God. I don't want to be a slave to the comforts of this world, the security of a job for the rest of my life, even though that's a false sense of security.

If I stay back, I will be enslaved to the aforementioned comfort and security, as well as the expectations certain people place on me. And I am beginning to think that the things holding me back from taking the risk, from jumping off the cliff and seeing what God does with my life, are not from God. That he is encouraging me to take the leap of faith, trusting that he will take care of my every need, that he has my life in his hands. That what I discover when I jump, could be way beyond my imagination.

I learned in my business 101 class that the higher the risk, the higher the loss, or the reward.

Do I want to play it safe and conservative, and possibly not gain as much, but not risk losing as much? Or do I want to risk it all and possibly gain way more than I could fathom?

~Marieke

Innocence Restored

Trying to heal from the hurt and the pain
other inflicted upon you.
I see in your eyes the hollow inside
that threatens to swallow.

But you see, your Father in Heaven
reaching His hand down to heal.
Picking you up to cradle you close
His love flowing over you.

Your innocence stolen,
you wish you could reverse
to start over again.
He's here to restore you
redeem all and love you
Make you whole again.

An Amazing Night!

Aqueous' gathering Saturday night was simply awesome! The whole evening I felt slightly off-kilter (partly cause I forgot that I was scheduled for worship, so I went up cold, with no warm-up and no level-checking...whoops!). I think God wanted me a little un-with-it, though. I like feeling like I am as on top of things as I can be, and tend to beat myself up when I am not. But I think that that off-balance feeling made me ready for the rest of the night. It really allowed God to move in ways beyond ourselves.

Towards the end of the worship set, Pastor Billy opened up time for people to share what God placed on their hearts to share with everyone. My monitor wasn't very loud, so I couldn't quite hear what everyone said, but I definitely heard what God was telling me. A lot of what was said God had been speaking to me already lately. But as people were talking, I felt God telling me to share a song I had written that afternoon.

It was kind of an interesting thing, because I haven't really written any songs for a while, but my musical creativeness had been stirring in me, and the words just came to me. Then I went to my piano and just sorta jammed out chords and a melody.

Going back to the Gathering, I told Pastor Billy that I felt God wanted me to share the song, so he told me he wanted me to be last, even though he had no idea what the lyrics were or anything. So I went to get my journal and brought it back up.

I was kinda nervous, but I know I would have regretted not doing it. God totally gave me a chance to step out of my comfort zone and take a risk. So I sang the song a cappella and let God do with it what he will. I may never know if anyone was impacted by it, but I know I was obedient, and that is all I can do.

But I am really glad that I had the guts to step up and be obedient, even though it was a bit nerve-wracking.

I really hope God has more for me as far as music goes. I absolutely love it, especially sharing it with others. I feel the most in my element when I am singing and/or playing piano (not that I am very great at piano yet).

So yeah, it was an awesome night :-)

~Marieke

PS: I'll post the lyrics later.