Beauty in the ordinary

Yesterday, I headed in the general direction of home after enjoying watching the sunset from the top of Elings Park off Las Positas.

I realized that there is so much beauty in the ordinary things of life, yet so often we miss them. I almost feel as if that odd mood I was in just sorta opened my eyes a bit.

It's as if I get so used to walking through life in a fog, that I don't even realize I am in a fog, because it is just what I am used to. But then the Sun peeks through the clouds, and my soul remembers that there is more. I see the beauty around me, the beauty of every day that so often gets missed as I bustle through life. I see the beauty of a streetlight pole framing the mountains behind. I see the beauty hiding in plain sight, just behind the manmade. I see the beauty in a hydrant poking out of a bed of flowers, the combination of natural creation and human creation inspired by God.

I think this may be my most transparent post

I have been in this kinda contemplative mood. It's my best song-writing mood, I think. Anyway, I just keep finding myself thinking deeply and I will realize the oddest things about myself, or at least acknowledge them. I tend to get busy, and not take the time to really think about things. Or to avoid taking the time to think about things. I wonder sometimes which one it is. Maybe both.

God is really teaching me to listen to Him, out of necessity. If I don't listen to Him and wait till He gives me the go-ahead to talk to my dad about stuff, it could be bad, or at least worse than it would be otherwise. I am kinda anxious to get moving and get to the next step, but I think God is teaching me about patience as well. *sigh* I am not too good at patience.

I was thinking and praying last night about random things, and so often I find myself feeling like I am missing something in my relationship with God. Like something is between me and Him. And most of the time, I feel that way when I am not spending time with Him like I should (I shouldn't even be saying "should", I am supposed to WANT to, and most of me does, but some parts don't apparently), like recently. Things get busy and I use busyness to avoid God in some ways. Anyhow, getting back to my point, I was wondering if I will ever NOT feel like there is something holding me back, or in my way, until I get to heaven.

Sometimes, I will catch a glimpse of some fear or something in my soul that wonders "What exactly would happen if I let go completely and let God do his thing?" as I go merrily on my way acting like I am oblivious. Sometimes convincing myself I am oblivious, avoiding dealing with the deeper parts of my soul because "I don't have the time" or "I need to get away".

All I can do is keep trying and doing my best to rely on God without hanging on, trying to keep some sort of control over things.

I feel at a loss as to what to do sometimes. How exactly do I relinquish my all? How exactly do I let go? I know I can find the answers, that they may even be hidden within me, but I haven't opened myself up enough to figure it out.

Sometimes I try to let go, but I fail, and get discouraged, though I know His grace covers me.

Some things I don't even think I can put into words, which is why I am thankful for being able to pray in my spiritual language, caue I know the Holy Spirit can pray the things I can't.

All I know is that each step, each realization is another step on my journey, another step closer to the heart of God. I know that He is there beside me each step of the way; holding my hand when I reach for his; ready to catch me if I trip and fall, ready to speak to me when I can't see his face for the fog.

I suppose that this point in my life is a bit foggy. I don't know and can't see exactly where I am going, hence the need to really listen and distinguish his voice from the voices of Expectation, Doubt, Fear, Discouragement, etc.

I just want to be able to let go. I want whatever is holding me back to be loosed. God help me, cause I can't do it on my own.

Comments on desire

The quote I posted below really struck me, because lately, my desire for music (writing, creating, singing, anything!) has been stirred up more and more lately, and I realized through some God moments, that those desires are in His plans.

The direction my life has been taking the past couple of years in some ways had stifled that desire and passion, and a part of me was being stifled along with it.

Now, as I am making changes to pursue this desire for music, for creating, I am learning to listen to God's voice more and more as well. He is showing me that He gave me this desire for a reason.

I am still in the process of figuring out things; what God is teaching me, what my next step should be, how I am going to make that next step, etc. But even though certain aspects are scary and unknown, I am so much more at peace. I don't have to deny those desires to "do the right thing" or whatever. I just need to follow God's leading and learn to listen more and more, and see what God does.

I am so excited!

Desire

"This may come as a surprise to you: Christianity is not an invitation to become a moral person. It is not a program for getting us in line or for reforming society. It has a powerful effect upon our lives, but when transformation comes, it is always the aftereffect of something else, something at the level of our hearts. At its core, Christianity begins with an invitation to desire. Look again at the way Jesus relates to people. As he did with the fellow at the Sheep Gate, he is continually taking them into their hearts, to their deepest desires."

~John Eldredge, The Journey of Desire

I'll post my thoughts on this later. But here it is for now.