Over the past few days I've been feeling a lot of different things... Dread.... Fear... Excitement ... Restlessness.
It may not seem like a huge change is happening in my life, but I'm going back to school (for the umpteenth time) next week and it's brought up a bunch of different things to consider. One of my friends told me that I'm making things too complicated. Perhaps I am, or perhaps in my life it truly is a complicated matter. I don't want to end up on the wrong path and have my actions affect both my life and the life of my husband.
Anyway, now is the time of year to apply for Financial Aid (FAFSA, CalGrant, Scholarships, Loans, etc, etc) and I've never been able to really do that since I wasn't considered "independent" enough and my parents weren't willing to give their financial information so I could properly fill out applications.
So I'm finding myself having to answer questions as to whether I will be in school Fulltime or Parttime in the 2007-2008 school year. How the heck do I know? Since we got engaged nearly a year and a half ago, our plans have changed fairly significantly. Between now and the Fall, things could change again, depending on what God's got in store for us. What should I be working towards?
Nathan and I are going to have a chat this weekend and take some time to really pray and discuss where we want to go. I don't want to be 30 by the time I get my degree unless that's part of God's plan somehow (please no!!).
And so here we are at a point of deciding whether to take a risk and both go back to school fulltime, at the same time, and trust God to provide the financial means to do this, or does God have something else in store for us? If God wants us to go on this adventure with Him, are we willing to truly seek His voice and take the plunge?
It's a scary thought, and to work towards it will require both work (saving money, applying for financial aid) and risk (moving to an unknown area, trusting in God to provide finances and part-time jobs), but at the same time it's exhilarating to think about what God may have in store for us if we run after His plans and purpose for our newly minted marriage.
Yikes!!!!
Showing posts with label living. Show all posts
Showing posts with label living. Show all posts
Friday, January 19, 2007
Thursday, January 04, 2007
Changes and a Restless Spirit
Changes:
2006 was a year of big changes, most notably, my marriage to Nathan.
There were a lot of associated changes and events that came along with it:
- Planning a wedding and all the spiritual and emotional stuff that goes along with preparing for marriage
- Moving into the 425 square foot apartment that Nathan and I now share from a spacious house I shared with 4 other girls.
- Sleeping next to another person
- Experiencing the spiritual changes that happen when you vow yourself to another person for life....there is no way I could describe it, since I don't totally understand it
- Joining finances and learning how to manage them with another person (whew!)
- Developing a different relationship with my parents and family and same with my husband and his family (we're both the first children to marry from our respective families)
One touchy subject for me lately is this:
- My friendships have changed.
I don't know if it's marriage that has changed things, or if there's something else, but it seems as though my relationships have morphed over the last year.
I've never tended towards having tons of friends. I usually have just one or two close female friends. I'm a pretty friendly person (I think) and have many people that I would consider friends, but I like having just one or two that I really make an effort to get together with and talk to about the deeper things of life.
At this point, I don't feel like I have any female friends I can easily talk to at a deeper level. I had that in the not too distant past, but it seems as though changing seasons have pulled me apart from those relationships. I can see how they gradually shifted through my engagement and into my marriage. Honestly, it's painful. But for some reason, it seems to happen over and over again in my life. I'll have one close friend during a particular season of my life and then we'll drift apart and eventually another friend comes into the pictures and so on. I know there is a natural ebb and flow to friendships, but it seems like very few of them actually stay in my life over the long haul. I'll end up trying to stay connected, but eventually give up after repeated attempts. This time, I am fighting harder to keep one friendship in particular, so we'll see how that plays out.
But, on the plus side, I did something unlike myself and joined a Knit Group that meets weekly, even though I didn't know a single person prior to joining. It's helped me get back into a hobby I enjoy (crocheting and now knitting) as well as introduced me to some women who are quickly becoming dear friends. Knit Group has become a precious thing to me and I hate missing it (which I only do when absolutely necessary!). I love the connection I have with other women, especially women who understand my passion for creating things.
Creativity and Community:
Another thing I've noticed about myself is how much I need community to fuel my creativity. I love music and creating it is a passion of mine, but I feel as though the fueling lines have been blocked. I realized that when I was at my peak musically, I was in the company of fellow musicians on a daily basis who encouraged me and vice versa. I was surrounded by music and creativity and others who shared that passion. So, despite the hecticness of my life, the lack of sleep, and the heightened stress-level, my passion was fueled and I was creating music, pushing myself to dig deeper. Since then, I've tried to fuel that passion on my own and it hasn't been very successful. Sadly, my music has fallen to the wayside and I wish I knew what to do to fix that.
On the flip side, during the height of my musical creativity, most of my other creative passions took a backseat. Now, it's through fiber arts that I am letting my creativity shine, and that probably wouldn't be happening if it weren't for the fact that I have a community of other women that I'm connected with who share that passion and cheer each other on.
Restlessness
There is a restlessness in my spirit that goes along with all these things. I can sense the music within me that wants an outlet...that is simmering below the surface of my soul ready to emerge when the time is right and the lines are unblocked.
This same restlessness keeps me from becoming too complacent in my relationship with God. Whenever God's wanting to do some work in me, the restlessness grows until I can't deny it. I get melancholy and crave time alone, time to think, time to spill out my spirit onto paper in the quietness of the presence of God and say "See this paper? These are the things on my heart...reveal to me what you want me to see. What changes do you want to make in my heart, in my life?"
I am glad for it because it keeps me from becoming too self-reliant. It reminds me that it is only in Jesus that I find true peace, direction, and security.
The future
2007 is going to bring many changes as well...possibly some big ones. I sense that melancholy restlessness as I prepare for going back to school to pursue my dream (currently one class at a time).
It's time to get out the Bible and journal and find some quiet space to reflect, pour out my heart to God, and wait on Him.
2006 was a year of big changes, most notably, my marriage to Nathan.
There were a lot of associated changes and events that came along with it:
- Planning a wedding and all the spiritual and emotional stuff that goes along with preparing for marriage
- Moving into the 425 square foot apartment that Nathan and I now share from a spacious house I shared with 4 other girls.
- Sleeping next to another person
- Experiencing the spiritual changes that happen when you vow yourself to another person for life....there is no way I could describe it, since I don't totally understand it
- Joining finances and learning how to manage them with another person (whew!)
- Developing a different relationship with my parents and family and same with my husband and his family (we're both the first children to marry from our respective families)
One touchy subject for me lately is this:
- My friendships have changed.
I don't know if it's marriage that has changed things, or if there's something else, but it seems as though my relationships have morphed over the last year.
I've never tended towards having tons of friends. I usually have just one or two close female friends. I'm a pretty friendly person (I think) and have many people that I would consider friends, but I like having just one or two that I really make an effort to get together with and talk to about the deeper things of life.
At this point, I don't feel like I have any female friends I can easily talk to at a deeper level. I had that in the not too distant past, but it seems as though changing seasons have pulled me apart from those relationships. I can see how they gradually shifted through my engagement and into my marriage. Honestly, it's painful. But for some reason, it seems to happen over and over again in my life. I'll have one close friend during a particular season of my life and then we'll drift apart and eventually another friend comes into the pictures and so on. I know there is a natural ebb and flow to friendships, but it seems like very few of them actually stay in my life over the long haul. I'll end up trying to stay connected, but eventually give up after repeated attempts. This time, I am fighting harder to keep one friendship in particular, so we'll see how that plays out.
But, on the plus side, I did something unlike myself and joined a Knit Group that meets weekly, even though I didn't know a single person prior to joining. It's helped me get back into a hobby I enjoy (crocheting and now knitting) as well as introduced me to some women who are quickly becoming dear friends. Knit Group has become a precious thing to me and I hate missing it (which I only do when absolutely necessary!). I love the connection I have with other women, especially women who understand my passion for creating things.
Creativity and Community:
Another thing I've noticed about myself is how much I need community to fuel my creativity. I love music and creating it is a passion of mine, but I feel as though the fueling lines have been blocked. I realized that when I was at my peak musically, I was in the company of fellow musicians on a daily basis who encouraged me and vice versa. I was surrounded by music and creativity and others who shared that passion. So, despite the hecticness of my life, the lack of sleep, and the heightened stress-level, my passion was fueled and I was creating music, pushing myself to dig deeper. Since then, I've tried to fuel that passion on my own and it hasn't been very successful. Sadly, my music has fallen to the wayside and I wish I knew what to do to fix that.
On the flip side, during the height of my musical creativity, most of my other creative passions took a backseat. Now, it's through fiber arts that I am letting my creativity shine, and that probably wouldn't be happening if it weren't for the fact that I have a community of other women that I'm connected with who share that passion and cheer each other on.
Restlessness
There is a restlessness in my spirit that goes along with all these things. I can sense the music within me that wants an outlet...that is simmering below the surface of my soul ready to emerge when the time is right and the lines are unblocked.
This same restlessness keeps me from becoming too complacent in my relationship with God. Whenever God's wanting to do some work in me, the restlessness grows until I can't deny it. I get melancholy and crave time alone, time to think, time to spill out my spirit onto paper in the quietness of the presence of God and say "See this paper? These are the things on my heart...reveal to me what you want me to see. What changes do you want to make in my heart, in my life?"
I am glad for it because it keeps me from becoming too self-reliant. It reminds me that it is only in Jesus that I find true peace, direction, and security.
The future
2007 is going to bring many changes as well...possibly some big ones. I sense that melancholy restlessness as I prepare for going back to school to pursue my dream (currently one class at a time).
It's time to get out the Bible and journal and find some quiet space to reflect, pour out my heart to God, and wait on Him.
Friday, December 29, 2006
Living "offensively"
Offensive meaning "proactive", that is.
My husband, Nathan, and I were talking as we walked to lunch today and I shared with him how I feel like a lot of things in life have changed since we got married, not all directly related to marriage.
Lately I've been frustrated in the area of friends. I'm having to take the offensive and be the one to pursue my relationships outside my marriage (although that one also takes work, especially being only 4 months old). The thing is, I feel like I'm the only one making the effort to take the initiative. Whether it's my close friend that I don't see anymore unless we make specific plans, or the new friends I'm making through my knit group and other places. Honestly the lack of effort on my friends' sides at times makes me feel like I'm not important to them. And taking the initiative isn't always easy for me, which means that I end up not spending the time with my dear friends that I wish I did.
I could easily live "defensively" and end up a hermit, only spending time with my husband and probably driving him nutso. Perhaps if I waited long enough, someone would decide to actually call me up. It can also be tiring and discouraging, but in the end, when I'm connecting with that friend who's been with me through this and that, it's all worth it.
But I crave community and I crave the encouragement of others, especially other believers. It's the way God designed us. We are to sharpen iron on iron and that's what Church is about whether that's your normal church service, or two friends coming together in Christ to encourage, exhort and lift each other up.
On a spiritual level, the Bible is constantly using "offensive" terminology, and perhaps that's where the term "warfare" comes from, especially considering the continuous warring that went on in the Old Testament and throughout Israel's history. The wars and battles fought were both spiritual and literal. I think that we like to be able to label things, so we put the label of "warfare" on the spiritual battle that goes on in our lives. I know I feel a warring going on between my soul and my fleshly desires. And it's too easy to name off the demons "Greed, Lust, Self-righteousness, Pride, Anger". And it certainly feels like demonic oppression.
We aren't better than people who don't know Jesus like we do. We aren't above them, or in some Holy club, we are simply followers of a God who has touched us and we are called to share His touch with those around us. He's given us His spirit so that we have authority and power over evil, but he calls us to love our neighbors above all else.
So in the day to day, I think the number one thing is to be connecting with God...to See Him, to Touch Him, and to let Him meet our needs, to fill us with Himself. Without His love and life in us, we can't do it. I know I can't. We need him to open our eyes, our ears and our hearts to what's going on in our lives and the lives of those around us.
I do think that there may be times (moments or even longer periods of time) when the spiritual is more present in my awareness and there is a strong sense of very real, very demonic activity, but in the day to day it's not that sensational.
My husband, Nathan, and I were talking as we walked to lunch today and I shared with him how I feel like a lot of things in life have changed since we got married, not all directly related to marriage.
Lately I've been frustrated in the area of friends. I'm having to take the offensive and be the one to pursue my relationships outside my marriage (although that one also takes work, especially being only 4 months old). The thing is, I feel like I'm the only one making the effort to take the initiative. Whether it's my close friend that I don't see anymore unless we make specific plans, or the new friends I'm making through my knit group and other places. Honestly the lack of effort on my friends' sides at times makes me feel like I'm not important to them. And taking the initiative isn't always easy for me, which means that I end up not spending the time with my dear friends that I wish I did.
I could easily live "defensively" and end up a hermit, only spending time with my husband and probably driving him nutso. Perhaps if I waited long enough, someone would decide to actually call me up. It can also be tiring and discouraging, but in the end, when I'm connecting with that friend who's been with me through this and that, it's all worth it.
But I crave community and I crave the encouragement of others, especially other believers. It's the way God designed us. We are to sharpen iron on iron and that's what Church is about whether that's your normal church service, or two friends coming together in Christ to encourage, exhort and lift each other up.
On a spiritual level, the Bible is constantly using "offensive" terminology, and perhaps that's where the term "warfare" comes from, especially considering the continuous warring that went on in the Old Testament and throughout Israel's history. The wars and battles fought were both spiritual and literal. I think that we like to be able to label things, so we put the label of "warfare" on the spiritual battle that goes on in our lives. I know I feel a warring going on between my soul and my fleshly desires. And it's too easy to name off the demons "Greed, Lust, Self-righteousness, Pride, Anger". And it certainly feels like demonic oppression.
...and on this rock I will build my church, and the gates of Hades will not overcome it. Matt 16:18The gates don't move. The church does. WE are on the offensive and the "powers of Hell" (as another translation puts it), are on the defensive. But that doesn't mean that we are knocking down people along the way. We are to overcome evil with GOOD. The greatest of these is LOVE. I think that's where a lot of us get confused (particularly in Charismatic circles). We become so impassioned, that we forget that Jesus' focus was on healing, restoration, touching the untouchables, recognizing people's needs and meeting them where they are at. He didn't sit back and just let people travel to him from wherever they were (although that did happen as well), he traveled to the people...he went to their homes and ate with them, healed them, and restored them.
We aren't better than people who don't know Jesus like we do. We aren't above them, or in some Holy club, we are simply followers of a God who has touched us and we are called to share His touch with those around us. He's given us His spirit so that we have authority and power over evil, but he calls us to love our neighbors above all else.
- What do you struggle with when it comes to contemporary understandings of spiritual warfare?
- What should spiritual warfare look like in everyday life?
So in the day to day, I think the number one thing is to be connecting with God...to See Him, to Touch Him, and to let Him meet our needs, to fill us with Himself. Without His love and life in us, we can't do it. I know I can't. We need him to open our eyes, our ears and our hearts to what's going on in our lives and the lives of those around us.
I do think that there may be times (moments or even longer periods of time) when the spiritual is more present in my awareness and there is a strong sense of very real, very demonic activity, but in the day to day it's not that sensational.
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