Changes and a Restless Spirit

Changes:

2006 was a year of big changes, most notably, my marriage to Nathan.

There were a lot of associated changes and events that came along with it:

- Planning a wedding and all the spiritual and emotional stuff that goes along with preparing for marriage
- Moving into the 425 square foot apartment that Nathan and I now share from a spacious house I shared with 4 other girls.
- Sleeping next to another person
- Experiencing the spiritual changes that happen when you vow yourself to another person for life....there is no way I could describe it, since I don't totally understand it
- Joining finances and learning how to manage them with another person (whew!)
- Developing a different relationship with my parents and family and same with my husband and his family (we're both the first children to marry from our respective families)

One touchy subject for me lately is this:

- My friendships have changed.

I don't know if it's marriage that has changed things, or if there's something else, but it seems as though my relationships have morphed over the last year.

I've never tended towards having tons of friends. I usually have just one or two close female friends. I'm a pretty friendly person (I think) and have many people that I would consider friends, but I like having just one or two that I really make an effort to get together with and talk to about the deeper things of life.

At this point, I don't feel like I have any female friends I can easily talk to at a deeper level. I had that in the not too distant past, but it seems as though changing seasons have pulled me apart from those relationships. I can see how they gradually shifted through my engagement and into my marriage. Honestly, it's painful. But for some reason, it seems to happen over and over again in my life. I'll have one close friend during a particular season of my life and then we'll drift apart and eventually another friend comes into the pictures and so on. I know there is a natural ebb and flow to friendships, but it seems like very few of them actually stay in my life over the long haul. I'll end up trying to stay connected, but eventually give up after repeated attempts. This time, I am fighting harder to keep one friendship in particular, so we'll see how that plays out.

But, on the plus side, I did something unlike myself and joined a Knit Group that meets weekly, even though I didn't know a single person prior to joining. It's helped me get back into a hobby I enjoy (crocheting and now knitting) as well as introduced me to some women who are quickly becoming dear friends. Knit Group has become a precious thing to me and I hate missing it (which I only do when absolutely necessary!). I love the connection I have with other women, especially women who understand my passion for creating things.

Creativity and Community:

Another thing I've noticed about myself is how much I need community to fuel my creativity. I love music and creating it is a passion of mine, but I feel as though the fueling lines have been blocked. I realized that when I was at my peak musically, I was in the company of fellow musicians on a daily basis who encouraged me and vice versa. I was surrounded by music and creativity and others who shared that passion. So, despite the hecticness of my life, the lack of sleep, and the heightened stress-level, my passion was fueled and I was creating music, pushing myself to dig deeper. Since then, I've tried to fuel that passion on my own and it hasn't been very successful. Sadly, my music has fallen to the wayside and I wish I knew what to do to fix that.

On the flip side, during the height of my musical creativity, most of my other creative passions took a backseat. Now, it's through fiber arts that I am letting my creativity shine, and that probably wouldn't be happening if it weren't for the fact that I have a community of other women that I'm connected with who share that passion and cheer each other on.

Restlessness

There is a restlessness in my spirit that goes along with all these things. I can sense the music within me that wants an outlet...that is simmering below the surface of my soul ready to emerge when the time is right and the lines are unblocked.

This same restlessness keeps me from becoming too complacent in my relationship with God. Whenever God's wanting to do some work in me, the restlessness grows until I can't deny it. I get melancholy and crave time alone, time to think, time to spill out my spirit onto paper in the quietness of the presence of God and say "See this paper? These are the things on my heart...reveal to me what you want me to see. What changes do you want to make in my heart, in my life?"

I am glad for it because it keeps me from becoming too self-reliant. It reminds me that it is only in Jesus that I find true peace, direction, and security.

The future

2007 is going to bring many changes as well...possibly some big ones. I sense that melancholy restlessness as I prepare for going back to school to pursue my dream (currently one class at a time).

It's time to get out the Bible and journal and find some quiet space to reflect, pour out my heart to God, and wait on Him.