Taking the Plunge

Well, I have officially taken the plunge and I'll be going through some changes in the next few weeks. I am just hoping that my relationships with family don't suffer for it in the long run.

Interestingly enough, last night God really spoke to me about trust during my devotional time. I finally realized that deep down, I hadn't reached a level of trust that I thought I had; that some of my fears and insecurities about myself, about my future, are based on a lack of trust in God. That I have a certain lack of faith in that I don't really believe, in practice, that God knows what's best for me.

Realizing these things, I had to surrender more of myself to Him, and he blessed me with more faith in His provision and protection of and for me.

As long as I cling to Him, all is well.

Psalm 56:1-4

Be gracious to me, O God, for man has trampled upon me;
Fighting all day long he oppresses me.

My foes have trampled upon me all day long,
for they are many who fight proudly against me.

When I am afraid,
I will put my trust in You.

In God, whose word I praise,
In God I have put my trust;
I shall not be afraid.
What can mere man do to me?

Hope of things to come

"Oh! May the God of green hope fill you up with joy, fill you up with peace, so that your believing lives, filled with the life-giving energy of the Holy Spirit will brim over with hope" Rom 15:13 The Message

I read this passage a few days ago in our daily Bible-reading plan (which I am not always caught up with, but I'm getting better at that), and the freshness of the Message version struck me.

We as christians are given the Holy Spirit to guide us and to contend for us when we don't know what to contend for, among other things. The Holy Spirit fills us with life and energy, yet so often we live defeated lives, struck down by the mundane of everyday life, by complacency and lack of motivation.

Yet, really, we are given the Holy Spirit is there offering is hope, vibrant life, and abundant energy. It's like we see the gift sitting there on the table, yet never open it. How dumb is that?

In my own life, I feel like I am in an "upswing" spiritually. I had kinda fallen a bit to a place where I wasn't super close to God, just sorta barely maintaining, but God kicked my butt outta that place, and I'm moving back closer to Him again.

Really, our journeys are often made up of times where we sorta feel like we're moving backwards, when really, it's kinda like parts of the journey just overlap each other. It may be that there are lessons that we are just not learning that God wants to teach us, or weaknesses that take us back a few steps, but I find that in the end, I am always closer to God, always learning more about His character and holiness.

We are humans, and we will fail and fall, but by the grace of God, each time we get up, we find ourselves closer to Him. And that is why (well, one of the reasons why) our God is so awesome.

Beauty in the ordinary

Yesterday, I headed in the general direction of home after enjoying watching the sunset from the top of Elings Park off Las Positas.

I realized that there is so much beauty in the ordinary things of life, yet so often we miss them. I almost feel as if that odd mood I was in just sorta opened my eyes a bit.

It's as if I get so used to walking through life in a fog, that I don't even realize I am in a fog, because it is just what I am used to. But then the Sun peeks through the clouds, and my soul remembers that there is more. I see the beauty around me, the beauty of every day that so often gets missed as I bustle through life. I see the beauty of a streetlight pole framing the mountains behind. I see the beauty hiding in plain sight, just behind the manmade. I see the beauty in a hydrant poking out of a bed of flowers, the combination of natural creation and human creation inspired by God.

I think this may be my most transparent post

I have been in this kinda contemplative mood. It's my best song-writing mood, I think. Anyway, I just keep finding myself thinking deeply and I will realize the oddest things about myself, or at least acknowledge them. I tend to get busy, and not take the time to really think about things. Or to avoid taking the time to think about things. I wonder sometimes which one it is. Maybe both.

God is really teaching me to listen to Him, out of necessity. If I don't listen to Him and wait till He gives me the go-ahead to talk to my dad about stuff, it could be bad, or at least worse than it would be otherwise. I am kinda anxious to get moving and get to the next step, but I think God is teaching me about patience as well. *sigh* I am not too good at patience.

I was thinking and praying last night about random things, and so often I find myself feeling like I am missing something in my relationship with God. Like something is between me and Him. And most of the time, I feel that way when I am not spending time with Him like I should (I shouldn't even be saying "should", I am supposed to WANT to, and most of me does, but some parts don't apparently), like recently. Things get busy and I use busyness to avoid God in some ways. Anyhow, getting back to my point, I was wondering if I will ever NOT feel like there is something holding me back, or in my way, until I get to heaven.

Sometimes, I will catch a glimpse of some fear or something in my soul that wonders "What exactly would happen if I let go completely and let God do his thing?" as I go merrily on my way acting like I am oblivious. Sometimes convincing myself I am oblivious, avoiding dealing with the deeper parts of my soul because "I don't have the time" or "I need to get away".

All I can do is keep trying and doing my best to rely on God without hanging on, trying to keep some sort of control over things.

I feel at a loss as to what to do sometimes. How exactly do I relinquish my all? How exactly do I let go? I know I can find the answers, that they may even be hidden within me, but I haven't opened myself up enough to figure it out.

Sometimes I try to let go, but I fail, and get discouraged, though I know His grace covers me.

Some things I don't even think I can put into words, which is why I am thankful for being able to pray in my spiritual language, caue I know the Holy Spirit can pray the things I can't.

All I know is that each step, each realization is another step on my journey, another step closer to the heart of God. I know that He is there beside me each step of the way; holding my hand when I reach for his; ready to catch me if I trip and fall, ready to speak to me when I can't see his face for the fog.

I suppose that this point in my life is a bit foggy. I don't know and can't see exactly where I am going, hence the need to really listen and distinguish his voice from the voices of Expectation, Doubt, Fear, Discouragement, etc.

I just want to be able to let go. I want whatever is holding me back to be loosed. God help me, cause I can't do it on my own.

Comments on desire

The quote I posted below really struck me, because lately, my desire for music (writing, creating, singing, anything!) has been stirred up more and more lately, and I realized through some God moments, that those desires are in His plans.

The direction my life has been taking the past couple of years in some ways had stifled that desire and passion, and a part of me was being stifled along with it.

Now, as I am making changes to pursue this desire for music, for creating, I am learning to listen to God's voice more and more as well. He is showing me that He gave me this desire for a reason.

I am still in the process of figuring out things; what God is teaching me, what my next step should be, how I am going to make that next step, etc. But even though certain aspects are scary and unknown, I am so much more at peace. I don't have to deny those desires to "do the right thing" or whatever. I just need to follow God's leading and learn to listen more and more, and see what God does.

I am so excited!

Desire

"This may come as a surprise to you: Christianity is not an invitation to become a moral person. It is not a program for getting us in line or for reforming society. It has a powerful effect upon our lives, but when transformation comes, it is always the aftereffect of something else, something at the level of our hearts. At its core, Christianity begins with an invitation to desire. Look again at the way Jesus relates to people. As he did with the fellow at the Sheep Gate, he is continually taking them into their hearts, to their deepest desires."

~John Eldredge, The Journey of Desire

I'll post my thoughts on this later. But here it is for now.

Grief

Grief is an interesting thing.

I actually feel like I am doing okay at the moment, but other times, the loss of my grandmother overwhelms me a bit. I managed to tell my best friend (we've known each other our whole lives--seriously), about Oma's passing without crying. I think when I am at my grandma's house, I am kind of on guard, so I am not "feeling" as much, or letting it out, I guess.

The drama has started again. I am so sick of it. I have spent most of the day (well, since I woke up at 11:00am) *doing* all this stuff; cleaning, sorting, etc. etc., when I just want to *be*. I have to work this week (besides Friday, which is Oma's memorial service), and I have no idea how I am going to handle it, especially without a break. I am hoping I can spend some time with friends, or something tonight. I have talked with some of my good friends today at various times. So I have that.

What I am amazed at is the sense of hope that I have. Even though things are crappy, I won't deny that, I can have hope, because I know that my God is here for me, comforting me, comforting my family. I am praying he is also working in the hearts of those in my family causing problems, or exacerbating them. My prayer has just been that God will take out the unforgiveness, bitterness, anger, greed, and manipulation, and replace it with abounding forgiveness, grace, love, and truth. Oh Jesus, please.

I have found a slight change in myself, besides the effects of grief and loss. I have been noticing lately that it is kinda hard for me to tell my friends I love them. For some reason, the word slightly scares me. But I have had more freedom in just telling my friends that I care about them and love them. I want those around me to know that.

So, for all of you who support me in prayer, in listening to me, in just being there, thank you, and I love you. You guys are all wonderful people and you mean the world to me.

~Marieke

she's gone home

My grandmother (who I actually called Oma, which means grandma in German) passed away at 10:20pm tonight. She passed away very peacefully, in her sleep, just like she wanted to. She had all her kids around her, plus my sisters and I, and a few spouses.

She had made a pact with a friend of hers that they would both die in their sleep. Well, my Oma kept her part!

I'll miss her.

~M

please pray

My grandma is dying. Please pray that she will be at peace and that we will pass on with a right relationship with Jesus. She is really fighting--she's kinda like the energizer bunny--she just keeps on going!

However, she very well may not last the night.

Thanks,
Marieke

About to jump!

Well, it seems that God is definitely calling me to take the leap. The decision is made, now to act!

This is kind of an odd place to be.

I could still turn around, but I am acutely aware that it is really not worth it, no matter how difficult, stressful, or scary the things that lay ahead may be. To turn back would be to accept the mundane, to settle for less than God's best, and I don't want to do that.

To go ahead means that I don't really know what I am going to be doing.

At all.

There are so many possibilities! I have no idea what God has ahead for me. There will be more decisions to make, more adventures ahead, more scary leaps to take, but I am so ready! It is exciting to know that I am on the path God has for me.

Taking a risk, especially one that has the potential to cause conflict, is exhilarating. I don't know what will happen, but God does, and that is most important. He knows that I am kinda nervous about what may happen, but He is continually placing more and more peace in my heart as I take steps towards the edge of this cliff where my life's path currently is leading me.

I know deep down, that this is right, no matter what conflicts may arise. I can be at peace knowing that I am obeying God's lead--and that is the most important thing.

~Marieke

On the edge...

I feel like at this point in my life, I am on the edge of this big cliff, and I can't see what is at the bottom. It could be something awesome, it could be something that will hurt, but either way, it will be honoring to God. I don't want to be a slave to the comforts of this world, the security of a job for the rest of my life, even though that's a false sense of security.

If I stay back, I will be enslaved to the aforementioned comfort and security, as well as the expectations certain people place on me. And I am beginning to think that the things holding me back from taking the risk, from jumping off the cliff and seeing what God does with my life, are not from God. That he is encouraging me to take the leap of faith, trusting that he will take care of my every need, that he has my life in his hands. That what I discover when I jump, could be way beyond my imagination.

I learned in my business 101 class that the higher the risk, the higher the loss, or the reward.

Do I want to play it safe and conservative, and possibly not gain as much, but not risk losing as much? Or do I want to risk it all and possibly gain way more than I could fathom?

~Marieke

Innocence Restored

Trying to heal from the hurt and the pain
other inflicted upon you.
I see in your eyes the hollow inside
that threatens to swallow.

But you see, your Father in Heaven
reaching His hand down to heal.
Picking you up to cradle you close
His love flowing over you.

Your innocence stolen,
you wish you could reverse
to start over again.
He's here to restore you
redeem all and love you
Make you whole again.

An Amazing Night!

Aqueous' gathering Saturday night was simply awesome! The whole evening I felt slightly off-kilter (partly cause I forgot that I was scheduled for worship, so I went up cold, with no warm-up and no level-checking...whoops!). I think God wanted me a little un-with-it, though. I like feeling like I am as on top of things as I can be, and tend to beat myself up when I am not. But I think that that off-balance feeling made me ready for the rest of the night. It really allowed God to move in ways beyond ourselves.

Towards the end of the worship set, Pastor Billy opened up time for people to share what God placed on their hearts to share with everyone. My monitor wasn't very loud, so I couldn't quite hear what everyone said, but I definitely heard what God was telling me. A lot of what was said God had been speaking to me already lately. But as people were talking, I felt God telling me to share a song I had written that afternoon.

It was kind of an interesting thing, because I haven't really written any songs for a while, but my musical creativeness had been stirring in me, and the words just came to me. Then I went to my piano and just sorta jammed out chords and a melody.

Going back to the Gathering, I told Pastor Billy that I felt God wanted me to share the song, so he told me he wanted me to be last, even though he had no idea what the lyrics were or anything. So I went to get my journal and brought it back up.

I was kinda nervous, but I know I would have regretted not doing it. God totally gave me a chance to step out of my comfort zone and take a risk. So I sang the song a cappella and let God do with it what he will. I may never know if anyone was impacted by it, but I know I was obedient, and that is all I can do.

But I am really glad that I had the guts to step up and be obedient, even though it was a bit nerve-wracking.

I really hope God has more for me as far as music goes. I absolutely love it, especially sharing it with others. I feel the most in my element when I am singing and/or playing piano (not that I am very great at piano yet).

So yeah, it was an awesome night :-)

~Marieke

PS: I'll post the lyrics later.

Self-confidence or God-confidence?

1 Corinthians 10:12

"Forget about self-confidence; it's useless. Cultivate God-confidence."

The context surrounding this verse is one where Paul is warning the Corinthians of being too self-confident in themselves, but this verse in particular stuck out to me for a slightly different reason.

In our culture being self-confidence and having good self-esteem is very highly regarded. But I think these ideas are so ingrained into us, that we so easily forget to rely on God; to put our confidence in God; to find our self-worth in how God sees us.

I know I screw up, I know that I make my mistakes. We are all human and will fail and fall. So often I can get caught up in trying to do things right, trying to be a good Christian, that I forget that I am God's daughter. I don't need to measure myself by the standards of this world, or put such a high value on how others view me when I am a daughter of the King! I have been chosen by the King, and He sees me as I am and loves me. He knows I will make mistakes, he knows I won't be perfect, but he sees my potential. He sees who I was created to be and is continually encouraging me to keep growing towards that.

The arrows that the Enemy throws at me through the hurtful words of others, or the things he whispers to me in areas where he knows I am weak don't need to hurt when I remember that I am God's beloved.

My confidence is in the One who created me; the One who knit me together in my mother's womb; who already knew the mistakes I would make; already knew how I would grow towards Him; already knew of the times I would turn away.

My worth is found in being God's beloved daughter. I don't need anything else beyond that, yet God is constantly reminding me through those around me. He is constantly encouraging me through the words of others, through incidences where He shows he is caring for me, through the truth that He speaks through the Bible. He lavishes His love on me so much!


Dear Papa,
I am in awe of the love that you have for me. How you are in every little detail, loving me through good and bad, constantly speaking to me and whispering, even shouting at times, how much you love me! And I can never reciprocate all that you have done for me. I owe you my life, yet you sacrificed your Son so that I might be redeemed, my debt paid in full. I want to give you my whole life and everything that is part of it, but so often I fail. Yet your grace is there to catch me, to bring me through, to teach me lessons, and to draw me closer to You. There are not enough words to describe you or what you have done for my life. Thank you so much for everything! For my friends, my family, my church, my new home, the people I will meet, and so on. I could go on forever!

Thank you for this reminder of how much you love me. I can never thank you enough. May my life be a life of continual worship to you!

I love you Papa :-)

Marieke

Thanks God!

My car recently started making an awful noise, and I was a bit worried that something horrible had gone wrong that would cost tons of money. I had been praying about it just yesterday.

Well, now it is fixed, and I didn't even have to pay a single penny! My dad had to get a part for his car at a dealership and since his car had gone kaput, I picked him up and took him there over lunch. He heard the noise and guessed what it was, so he grabbed a mechanic and all my car needed was some steering fluid (or whatever it's called). So the mechanic filled up the tank thingy (can you tell how much I know about cars?) and even gave me the rest of the bottle to keep with me in case I need it again. I'll eventually need to get the line checked for leaks, but talk about God's provision!

Thank you Lord!

Talk about God "winning the battle" before I even get there *grin*

God's plans

Scripture: Joshua 13:1-7

In this passage of the Bible, God speaks to Joshua about how His plans are not completed, even though Joshua has loved a good long life. There is significance in mentioning Joshua's long life because Joshua was one of two people (the other being Caleb) who trusted in God's faithfulness in helping them overcome obstacles that they would encounter when taking hold of the Promised Land of Canaan. Everyone else in Joshua's generation passed away as they traveled through the desert for about 39 years.

So here is Joshua, after defeating many enemies, and taking over much of the land God promised to the Israelites, but God essentially tells Joshua that he is not done. That his promise has still not been fulfilled and more is to be inherited.

And God lays out exactly what is still to be given to His people.

And then God tells Joshua this:

I myself will drive them out before the People of Israel. All you have to do is allot this land to Israel as an inheritance, as I have instructed you. Do it now: Allot this land as an inheritance to the nine tribes and the half-tribe of Manasseh. Josh 13:6b-7

Many of the people groups that lived in Canaan were larger than the Israelites, outnumbered them, and had more weapons and experience in warfare. Yet here God is saying "The victory will be mine, you don't need to anything but simply take what I am giving to you".

If only I could remember when I hit obstacles in my own life, that the victories belong to God. He has made promises to me that he will keep. All I have to do is surrender the battle to Him, and he will make the victory and give me what has been promised. I still need to take action, I still need to go out there and do what he has asked. There will still be hurt, and there may be casualties, but He is in charge, and he will not let me fail where he has promised there will be victory.


Father, thank you for winning the battles before I even get to them; for going before me and conquering the enemy before I even get to the battlefield. Continue to fill me with your spirit as I go through life so that I can simply focus on the things you are calling me to do, not focus on the difficulties that come my way. My hope is found in you, and I know you have a future laid out for me that will challenge me and bless me in ways that I don't even know. Whisper your truths to me in moments of doubt, as you already do, and speak to me that I may speak truth and blessing to others as well. I don't want to be so focused on what is going on in my own life, that I miss chances to reach out to others who are dealing with their own obstacles and enemies. Please continue to give me wisdom, that I may give you glory in all that I do.

Amen

it's raining grace today......

Tonight, I felt God' grace in a neat way. Lately I have been having moments of feeling overwhelmed, stressed out and the like due to my upcoming move. The timing coincided with my church's Grand Opening and I just haven't had the time to devote to some of my responsibilities. I have gotten the essentials done, but I haven't done my best.

At the leader's meeting tonight, I realized that I have a fear of failure, and worry what other people think of me. I realized that these things have been affecting my life in subtle ways that have stolen some of my joy. It added an extra burden to my life that I am not meant to carry. Yes, I am responsible for taking care of Nursery related things, and I have been slacking in some areas, but it is not the end of the world. The people around me understand and God knows what's up.

I can so easily get caught up in being busy and so easily let guilt weigh me down. But what good does that do? When I am focusing my attentions on God, the rest will fall into place. When I am connected with God and connected to his will, where can I go wrong? It is only when I stray, when I let the busyness of life get in the way of my relationship with God that all the pressures and stresses threaten to overwhelm me.

But that is what I love about God's grace. It is there for the asking. Wallowing in guilt or fear does no good, but taking God's hand and letting Him pull me up to my feet draws me closer to Him and sets me back on track. As long as I am "falling forward" when I fall on my path closer to Jesus, I will continue to grow. We all fall, I will continue to fall, but as long as I am letting God pull me up, or even pick me up, the falling doesn't matter. What matters is being close to Him, of keeping my eyes focused on Him and persevering on the path he has set before me.


God, thank you so much for your perfect timing. It may not seem perfect to my human eyes, but you know the whole picture and you know what is right and good, even though it may not seem that way at first. Thank you for placing me in a community of fellow believers who love you more than anything. What I love about our church is that we can all be ourselves, and that our "style" is simply a reflection of who we are. The love that we have for each other can only come from you! I pray that you would continue to grow us closer to you, both individually and as a church, that we would continue to shine your love everywhere we go! You are truly an awesome God!

Here I am Lord....

~Marieke

Here I am...

The beginning of my online prayer journal.